Chapter 8: now... Longings for sleep

I can't sleep.
I never can...

For some reason my body and eyes want so desperately to turn my mind off and just slip away from the world for a couple hours but my mind... my mind thinks 2am is a great time to come up with some great ideas, worries, gotta do's, and should have done's.
I read.
I take melatonin.
I take zyrtec.
I meditate... None of it works.

I ran out of my sleeping pills and need to call my doctor tomorrow but 9 times out of 10 even the ambien, belsamra, or lunesta don't even work.
Some nights I am lucky enough to fall asleep only to wake up, eyes wide open and mind racing, at 2am.

I try to turn off my mind  with my meditating... Counting backwards from 100... Focus on relaxing my muscles from head to toe... But that doesn't work and after a half hour i get fed up and frustrated with my mind, get up and pour myself a drink.
That's the one thing that always allows me to silence my mind.
Never fails.

But in typical fashion, one drink turns into 3 or 4 and all of a sudden its 4am and I'm stumbling drunk to bed, slamming the door, walking into the bed, waking my husband (pissing off my husband), then the restless talk in my sleep while flailing and tossing and turning all night sleep. Then there's always the hangover the next day and sleeping past 10.
Not exactly conducive to a healthy lifestyle.

So now it's just me and my cage of thoughts sitting here,  waiting for them to just be still.