Chapter 12: Now... Little by little

Every morning I have a  routine.
I open my eyes, grab my phone, check my email, then I jump on Facebook and just entertain myself. Routine is good and at least I'm not rolling over and saying just 10 more minutes. This helps me get out of bed.

This morning I saw a friend had posted something about anxiety and depression.

It said "Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends but hating socializing.It's wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything then caring about nothing. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb."

Finally, someone put into words the way I have been feeling! I didn't think it was possible and it brought tears to my eyes.

Other people really do feel this way.

I think back to this past May. I was happy. I enjoyed life! I was active and actually went on daily runs. That was my stress relief and it felt great to be taking care of myself! Finally things at work were going well... I had just been promoted and was transferred to a store 10 minutes from my house. I had never been this close, I enjoyed my boss, I enjoyed my store, life was good.

Then that all changed.  I had a terrible day at work and just wanted to crawl under a rock. I didn't want to go for a run but I needed to, I needed the distressing.

When I came home I instantly changed into my running clothes and sneakers.  I didn't give myself enough time to make excuses or changed my mind.  I strapped my phone onto my arm,  plugged in my ear buds, and just ran away. I only ran one mile but that was enough. I felt SO much better.

The second I stepped onto my deck my phone rang. It was work. My boss called to tell me I had been transferred. 57 miles from home. On top of that my district manager had changed, he was now my old boss from 10 years ago who tried to fire me. Oh and did I mention,  the reason I had a terrible day at work was that HR came in and told me to stop applying for jobs because it seems desperate... 

That was the last time I ran. That was the start of this latest bout of anxiety and depression. That was the start of Paxil. And the return of booze as a stress release.

I desperately want to go back to having the energy to run. I love running. I need it.

I'm still not there yet, but I know I can get back there. It's little things like waking up and trolling through my phone that will get me there.

Right now the thought of running exhausts me. But at least now, I WANT to run. Over the last 6 months I haven't WANTED to do anything. Besides sleep, and drink,  and sleep.

It's been 9 days since I've had a drop of alcohol. I've got a long way to go. But I see the end this time. I can actually see a better life. And it exhaust me.