My first thought was it has been 76 days and today I thought for sure I was going to have a drink. As a matter of fact, when I left work today I pictured myself opening the bottle of wine that had been sitting on the counter since Christmas. Then I spoke to my husband and he said he was going to have some drinks tonight. At that point I could feel the whiskey burning away every shred of my miserable day.
Today started like any other. I was up before my alarm and checked my phone. I had a message from my brother calling me an asshole and telling me fuck you. Nice, real nice.
You see last night I was on Facebook and saw one of his many stupid ignorant posts. Typically I can ignore it but this one hit me right in the heart. It said something like "Trying to raise $3000 for Solar Share, a nonprofit that installs solar panels in countries that don't have electricity. If I can raise the $3k it gets (super awesome talented) me on the installation project!"
So I simply commented "So you're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart or for these countries?"
Simple question right? Are you doing this to help other countries or so you can travel the world on your companies dime? Needless to say he flipped out, so clearly he wasn't happy with me pointing out his obvious selfish intent. I went to reply to his message but he had blocked me already, no surprise there. So I carried on with getting ready for work.
I then proceeded to a meeting with HR and my district manager. I had been pushed to complete a store manager assessment. Basically my companies idea of interviewing you for a store manager spot. I don't want the job, it's what they want for me.
We sit down and I am told that I was rated "unqualified." Now, this shouldn't hurt because I didn't want the job anyways right? Wrong, I am so pissed that I was pushed to apply for something that I didn't even want and then told no. Are you kidding me?
This leaves me with 4 doors closed in my face in the last 12 months. Every time I try for something they tell me I'm not good enough. So now the question I am stuck with is this.... why am I still with a company where I am clearly going no where, treated like a piece of shit, and made to feel worthless?
There is absolutely nothing for me in this company. Now I just need to really get over the fear of leaving and get the fuck away as fast and as far as possible.
I leave the meeting and drive to work and sit the the parking lot for about ten minutes and just cry. I have been made to feel so stupid. I feel so fooled. So very stupid. And I do not like feeling this way.
This got me thinking about what I want to do. I want to make people not feel like I have been made to feel!
I want to help people. The only time I have been happy in my position is when I'm able to mentor and help other people. I love helping people succeed. I love helping the community. I love every aspect about that.
Then I started thinking about who I know that love their job for those reasons and I came to my cousin Julie.
She absolutely loves her job. She is constantly talking about how rewarding it is. And that is what I want. I sent Julie a message asking if she had any openings at her company. She said yes and sent me a link, she told me to look them over and see what I liked and we could meet next week. She works for the May Institute helping kids with disabilities. From what I gather, she's kind of a big deal there so I might as well use my connections!
I check out what she's got to offer and explain what I'm looking for, maybe it'll be a match made in heaven.
Although, I am in hell so anything is a step up from here.
But enough talking about leaving this shitty company already, time for some action.
I then had lunch with my parents. They're office is right down the street from where I'm working. Seth was supposed to meet up with us but he had to pick up Ashley from school. I try to talk to them about my brother, they don't want any part in it. I try to talk to them about my job. They tell me its time to quit but don't really care to get into it. All I want is some guidance, some thing, any thing! But this is my family, we don't go further than the tip of the iceberg.
I went back to work after lunch and called my old store manager. He gives me a pep talk. Tells me I'm not a quitter and I need to keep on keeping on. I feel a little better but still bummed out
I came home with a new purpose, find a new job and something that makes me happy. I broke a sweat and busted out some stress relieving moves during my dance video and watched a movie with Seth and Ashley. Seth had drinks... I didn't.
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