A month later we were back together. My plan hadn't worked and now I had this awful thing called guilt. He used it against me every second he could. I let him.
A year of him trying to make me pay for my sins later, he left me for another girl.
Didn't see that one coming.... karma really is a bitch.
I was broken.
I was devastated at how stupid and weak I was.
I spent the next couple of weeks drinking a bottle of wine (not the small one either) a night. Drowning my sorrows.
One night my friend Crystal called me up and said she was going out and I should join her.
I was already a half a bottle deep so I said, OK. I threw on some jeans and some red lip stick, grabbed my keys, and met her at a bar 2 miles down the street.
That was probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made.
Crystal was there with a guy and she ended up leaving about a half hour after I got there.
There were a few people I knew there and it felt ok to be out.
I stayed.
Another bad decision.
I was now downing beers and drowning myself.
Around 12am I was ready to go home.
But in no way shape or form ready to drive.
The guy I had been talking to asked me if I needed a ride, I said don't worry I'm only 2 miles from home.
Big mistake....
I had gone the wrong way down a highway.
I realized it before anything terrible happened and pulled a u-turn and took the first exit. Unfortunately 2 cops also noticed this.
I was pulled over and given a sobriety test. I failed miserably.
I was arrested and thrown in jail.
While in the back of the cop car I was crying and talking about how my life was over and how this is going to ruin what ever life I have left.
I was put on suicide watch.
Every 20 minutes someone woke me up to make sure I hadn't killed myself.
I couldn't even sleep through this nightmare. Finally I was given my phone call.
I called my James, he didn't answer. Who knew you could spend 6 years saying I love you and within weeks completely abandon them when they desperately need you.
I ended up calling my older sister, she called my parents. The next morning, after spending the night in jail, I was dragged into court. I had to face my parents and their lawyer in shackles and handcuffs.
How did I end up like this, I couldn't even look at my parents.
When I was finally released my parents and I stopped for lunch to talk. Turns out the restaurant we went to was where James' new floozy worked. She was our waitress. My parents frequented this restaurant so she was friendly with them.
She kept looking at me and finally said, "I'm sorry, do I know you you look so familiar to me!?" In this bubbly waitress hooker tone.
I wasn't really in the mood to talk to this bitch, I did just get out of jail and she was probably with James last night when he ignored all my calls, so I looked at her and snapped, "I should look familiar, you're the one fucking my boyfriend."
Her jaw dropped and she walked away with a stunned look on her face.
I didn't order anything to eat.
My appetite was lost and gone.
After the whole ordeal, I had no choice but to move back home. I had lost my license for 6 months because I had refused a breathalyzer. My entire life had changed in one night.
Everything went down hill. Fast.
I spent the next 2 years in a drunken haze.
It was the only way I could get away from myself. I have never hated so one as much as I hated myself.
In that haze, I lost friend after friend after friend.
I really wasn't helping myself at all. I had given up.
On another occasion, I was put in protective custody at a concert because I had drank a liter of vodka. I called my brother to come pick me up. When I was finally released I asked my brother to bring me back to the concert so I could gather my stuff. I was arrested for trespassing. I must have forgotten they told me not to come back...
They made me take a breathalyzer. This was about 4 hours after I had originally been PC'd. My blood alcohol level was a .22.
When I went and spoke with my lawyer, he told me I had a problem.
He told me he was concerned.
He told me .22 4 hours after my last drink should have killed me.
He told me his story and his battle with alcohol.
I didn't listen.
My parents told me that I had a problem.
They told me that they wanted to admit me into rehab.
They let me go to work and take the day to think about it.
I thought over my options and I had decided I would do an out patient program.
When I came home to tell them, they were both drunk.
It was laughable.
I told them what I had decided but told them I wouldn't go unless they went.
They didn't go.
Neither did I.
I moved out shortly after that.
I spent about 9 months living with my friend Kate. That was a disaster waiting to happen. We ended up living in the same house but not talking to each other.
We ended up despising one another.
We were just completely different people by then, we weren't the friends we once had been.
I moved out one day without even telling her. My friend Alice came while Kate was at work and helped me pack everything up.
Now I had a dog, Toby. I had gotten him when he was a puppy to help keep Kate's dog calm when we weren't home. Her dog had separation anxiety and her vet suggested she get another dog. I found Toby. My teeny tiny yellow lab puppy.
Did you know puppies get big?
He was a terror...
I moved back into my parents house and was there for about 3 months.
They hated Toby.
I found a place that allowed dogs and I moved in there, me and Toby.
All alone. Again.
Things only got worse.
I fell off of a balcony because I had locked myself out of my apartment and nearly killed myself with the fall.
I hurt people.
I hurt a lot of people.
I smashed my best friend, Erica's, car window because I wanted my keys and was too impatient to wait for her. She called me the next morning to see if I was ok. Nobody ever mentioned my drinking they all just slowly disappeared.
I just wanted to feel numb, I wanted to disappear, to fade away. I wanted everyone to leave me. I wanted them to let me wallow in my self pity.
I never even realized the one thing I was lacking, the one thing I really needed to find, was this little thing called self respect.
I had lost that and I had lost me and the only thing that kept me going was booze.
That and the memory of years of emotional abuse. Playing over and over and over again.
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