Chapter 44:This Brokenness inside me...

Mental illness is a real thing. 

Don't believe me? 

Then you are one of the few lucky people who has never known some one who suffers from one or you yourself have never suffered. And I choose the word suffered for very specific reason.

The definition of suffered is: 

to experience or be subjected to (something bad or unpleasant).

   

"he'd suffered intense pain"

synonyms:

hurt, ache, be in pain, feel pain;  be in distress, be upset, be miserable "I hate to see him suffer" undergo, experience, be subjected to, receive, endure, face "the nation suffered a humiliating defeat" hardship, distress, misery, wretchedness, adversity, tribulation; pain, agony, anguish, trauma, torment, torture, hurt, affliction,sadness,  unhappiness, sorrow, grief, woe, angst, heartache,heartbreak, stress;

Anxiety and depression are real. They are not just mental illnesses they are physical illnesses.  To be in pain, to experience, undergo, be subjected to... those are not mental terms. Those are physical. 

You may think there is such an easy fix, it's mental after all... just think happy thoughts, just snap out of it, stop feeling sorry for yourself, get over it, move on...

Laughable. When you get angry does it help if I tell you to calm down?

You may think that there's a magic pill out there, just go to your primary care doctor... prozac, paxil, lexapro, celexa, xanax....

Laughable. Everyone is different and those pills are band aids. Not to mention my primary care doctor isn't an expert in the field of mental health and prescribes the pills the pharmaceutical companies tell her to. 

You may think you can just pick up the phone and find a psychiatrist... because it's so very easy to actually ask for help. Do  you know how hard it is to admit that you need help? Never mind the fact that you can't JUST see a psychiatrist. There's a waiting period and a process."

So you've reached out to your primary care and she's given you every pill she knows to see if that one works. You're a walking experiment. Some dull the pain, some make it ten times worse, some make those thoughts get much darker. Some work for a couple months and then just stop. Then you have to ween yourself off of them (because they all have terrible side affects {except prozac really....}) and start all over. When you've run out of pills to try your doctor says she can no longer help you and you need to see a psychiatrist.

It takes 4 weeks to get an appointment at a mental health facility and then you have to see a therapist for a couple weeks to "show you are committed to treatment." 

Do you know how hard it is to work full time, and see a therapist once a week? 

So you start talking and time goes by and finally your "approved" to see the actual doctor. 

He can't see you for a couple weeks though, he's pretty booked. 

Maybe you feel better and say screw it I'm fixed! Maybe you can't wait that long. Maybe you don't want to have to sit through another 4 weeks of therapy with a shrink who stares at you waiting for you to talk. A shrink that asks you things like "And why do you think you feel like that?" or "You know if you don't like me you just have to say so and we'll change therapists..."

As if my anxiety and depression weren't enough now I have to tell you I don't like you. 

I know I have a chemical imbalance and I know that it runs in the family. 

I know I need help and I know it helps to talk about it. 

I actually had a counselor, one that I loved. I was seeing her once a week. She was helping. But she had no ties to a medical doctor and that wasn't good enough for the mental health facility. I had to see THEIR therapist. I had to stop seeing the one I loved and sit with this thing who stared at me and waited for me to talk. How is that not broken?

My therapist and my primary care doctor think I need medical help yet you need me to "prove" that I'm dedicated to getting better?

My time and patience wore out and oh did I mention my $35 co-pay every week to see this therapist I didn't need to see.  

I was feeling better so I just stopped. Never got to see the doctor. 

Three months later I'm back to the darkness. 

I called the mental health facility and asked if I could see the doctor and they said no. I had to start all over again.  4 weeks of therapy to be approved to see the doctor and wait another 4 weeks for my appointment. 

I reached out for help. And this is what I got. 

If I needed surgery would you make me wait 8 weeks? 

If I needed antibiotics would you make me wait?

So why do I have to wait?

Mental illness is a real thing.  

Chapter 43 Double Standards...

It has been quite the week. I feel so up and down. So Strong and weak.

I am a self sabotaging ass. I think I really am just terrified when things are going good.

My life coach says I have abandonment issues. Yes, I started seeing a life coach.

I had bought a Groupon for this belly treatment to help get rid of some of my belly fat. It's called iLipo, a non-invasive light treatment. Just for my lil pooch I can't seem to lose. The Groupon required me to get a consultation first. I made the appointment and I sat down with this woman Sandi. She does life coaching, nutrition planning, and her center offers the iLipo, massage, facials, etc. It's a holistic healing center. She convinces me to sign up with her for three months to get my nutrition in line and life coaching to help with stress management. I am a sucker for any thing that says it will 'fix me.'

It's like going to a counselor. I have told her all my deep dark secrets, well most of them anyway. It helps to talk, but it also is unearthing some pretty powerful feelings. She thinks I may have PTSD as well but I'm not playing into that one. Anxiety, yes. Abandonment issues, yes. Self-Esteem issues, yes. PTSD, I'm not convinced. But she wants me to try this neuro something or other session. Basically hypnotism to help rewire my neuro-pathways to help me deal with  my anxiety and restlessness.
I'm up for anything so I say sure. The first session is scheduled for this Thursday. Can't hurt to try, right?

But like I said, it has been quite the week. I made it past 100 days of not drinking and now I have to start all over again.

Yep, I cracked. It was inevitable. It started with one lass of wine.

I was meeting up with my cousin Kelly to discuss job opportunities and I messed up the time. I texted her at 6:00p to verify that we were still on for our 6:00p date and she replies "yep at 7:00p right?"

Oh no, I was already sat at a table waiting on her. I told her I messed up the time and was already there and she said no worries he'd head right over and be there in 10 minutes. Thank goodness for flexible schedules!

So now I'm sitting alone, waiting on the rest of my party, yes I was that girl, and the waitress seemed to be a little impatient that I was holding up one of her tables so I ordered a side salad.
15 minutes went by and still no Kelly and the waitress kept popping in, you sure you don't want to order?
You sure you don't want a drink?
You sure, you sure, you sure!!
Jesus woman, I told you I'm waiting on someone!
After the 6th time she came over I said fine bring me a glass of Cabernet.
That seemed to get her away from me for a while. My cousin arrived about 20 minutes after I had been seated. We ended up talking more about life than about jobs and that one glass of wine had my face red and my ears hot. I am a lightweight!

After we had talked for about an hour and a half and had finished our meals we said our good-byes.
I went home and, in typical fashion, mixed myself a whiskey and coke... just one.
And then another... at this point I felt so guilty for drinking that I called my little sister Sarah and vented to her about my disappointment in myself.
I stopped at two drinks and I was just MAD.
I was so MAD at me for letting myself down.
Sarah spoke to me and reassured me that it's ok to slip up. She reassured me that I went 100 days and I shouldn't forget that, I should be proud of myself. That helped. So we hung up and I tucked in bed with a glass of water.

The next day I felt like shit. I hate hangovers.

Tuesday I met up with Sandi, my life coach, and I talked to her about how upset I was with myself. She told me I need to stop feeling so guilty. Stop beating myself up. It happened, get over it and move on. Decide if it's going to happen again or make sure it doesn't but either way stop with the guilt!
Did I mention I like her very much.


I've drank on three separate occasions since then.
One was just Seth and me sitting in the living room and I was feeling ansy. He get's up and makes himself a drink and I decide I'm having one as well. He tells me no.
That never works out well, I don't take too kindly to being told what to do. So now I'm adamant and get up and mix myself a vodka and tonic. That was really the extent of that.
Again I woke up with a headache and work really dragged that day...

Then this past Friday I had a comedy show to go to to help support my friend Alice. It was in the same building I've been working in so how could I say no? Seth agrees to go with me and he meets me at work and go to dinner right in the venue.
After dinner we head to the show. My cousin was there and so was my aunt. We say our hellos and then move to find seats. Seth and I found an empty table in the back of the room and sat there.

For the first half hour Seth sat there and complained about how he didn't want to be there, he could be home sitting on the couch, he could be having snacks and taking a shower... Finally I told him if he wants to go he can go, enough! He looks a little surprised that I snapped at him.

I say, "There are 80 year olds more active than us! Do I ask you to go out, ever??"

He says, "No, but you don't like going out either."

"Yes but when I have family to support I'm going to go out and here we are. How about this, PRETEND to have a good time!"

He says, "You actually want me to PRETEND to have fun? So you're telling me to lie?"

I exclaim, "YES! I do it ALL the time! I don't care if you don't want to be here, I don't care that you want to be at home, I DON'T want to hear it! Are we really that couple already that goes out and sits there miserable because we don't want to be here?? Fucking pretend!"

He replies,"Oh so you pretend to have fun when? And don't say at my sisters, you know you have fun there!"

I say,"You mean like tomorrow when you made plans for US to go to your sisters without even asking if I want to go? You would never know if I wasn't having fun because I am GREAT at pretending so I don't ruin your fucking night!"

I let this sink in for a second and his attitude changes and he starts to pretend to want to be there. Then he says, "I think I"m going to get a scotch, do you want anything?"

I say yes, "Get me a gin and tonic." He looks at  me funny so I ask, "Is there a problem?"

He says "No." and walks to the bar

Now we have two older women that have joined our table and I'm talking to them. They are very cute and very talkative. Great company to have.

Alice comes over for a visit and I am chatting with her about her upcoming trip to California, Seth is staying out of the conversation but he's more than welcomed to join in...

Then I get up to talk with my aunt briefly and I return back to the table.
As I sit down I see a friend of mine from about 8 years ago, Kaitlyn, sitting at the table next to me, she waves and I go over to give her a hug and say hello.
I bring her over to meet Seth but the show is starting so we can't really talk. We excuse ourselves and go a catch up in the bathroom for about 5 minutes.
I return back to the table and Seth asks me if I want another drink, I offer to buy him one and I get up and go get them.

We sit and watch the show for about 45 minutes. It's funny and very entertaining and were having a good time. I have to pee so I get up and run to the bathroom. On the way back I run into Alice and she offers to buy us two more drinks. She also introduces me to a couple of the people running the show and we have a quick conversation. All in all probably about 15 minutes I was gone. When I return to the table Seth is pissed.
 He is livid that I left him all by himself and was up talking to other people. I give him a funny like like "are you kidding me?" Now Kaitlyn come and sat next to me to see if we can plan meeting up so I talk with her and we exchange numbers.
The show is over and we all get up to leave.

Seth rushes out and is pissed. He says to me, "Next time you can go by yourself since you felt the need to leave me alone the whole time!"

I am so baffled by this response, he does this to me all the time at softball games and it was my family. I don't understand what the problem is. Then he proceeds to pout, "How many drinks did you have? I didn't realize we were going out partying. What was it five, six??!"

At this point I'm not going to argue with him I just say, "I'll see you at home, are you ok to drive?" And I get in my car before he can answer. Clearly he thinks me being up and about and talking to people must mean I was slamming back drinks the whole time but really I had two gin and tonics and a glass of water within the 2 hour span.

I call him on the way home and tell him I have to stop and get gas. He yells at me to get off the phone and concentrate on my driving. What the fuck is his problem!? Now I'm super pissed, he completely ruined my entire evening because I wasn't glued to his side being the doting wife. Who the hell did he think he married??

I stop at Cumby's and go inside and buy a pack of cigarettes and prepay my pump. My blood is burning through my veins.

Driving home I light up a cigarette and take two drags. That's all I wanted.  I throw the cigarette out the window along with the whole pack. Sometimes you just need a drag!

I get home and he's in bed already. Big surprise. I go into the bathroom and start washing my face, he yells at me through the door, "Are you coming to bed!"

Fuck no. "Nope, I'll be staying up."

"Fine, good night!"

I finish up in the bathroom and pop into the bedroom. I give him a kiss on his cheek and whisper, ""I love you, and for the record I had two drinks and the rest was water."

I stay out in the living room and make myself a vodka and tonic. I call my cousin Kelly and vent to her. It's about 12:30am when i get off the phone with her. I tuck in bed and Seth apologizes for being an ass.
Better late than never right? We kiss and make up.

About a half hour later his phone starts ringing. We are both super confused, and in the middle of something, so he doesn't answer. Shortly afterwards there's a bang at the door. He jumps up and goes to answer the door.
It's Melissa. Her car had broke down about 4 houses from us and no one was answering their phone. Not Seth, not me, not Pamela, not Carissa. She had been sitting outside our house for 10 minutes periodically banging on the door.

We felt AWFUL.

We take her down to her car and Seth drives it back home. She's in tears and so upset about the whole situation.
I talk with her and calm her down but now she's upset that she has to work in the morning and has no car to get there.
I'm scheduled off so I give her my keys and tell her to take my car.  We would bring her home but both of us had been drinking. Plus I have nothing to do but laundry and clean the house the following day. So she takes my car and heads home.

***********

The next morning Pamela texts me.

-Thank you for helping Missy last night!

It was 8am and I was still sleeping, I didn't see it until later.

Following that was another text

-I signed up for planet fitness and I can take an extra person with me, if you want to go and our schedules match up you're more than welcome to come with me!

I had invited her to do Mudderella with me and Carissa and she said yes. Well more like I convinced her after she told Carissa Hell NO so we have kind of bonded over the last couple of days.

I respond around 10a.

-Not a problem, what do you want to do about the car? I'll take it for a test drive to see if it's driveable.

I drive it around the block and it's fine. The blinkers and vents don't work but otherwise it's driveable. We decide that she will meet me at my house and I will drive the car to her house while she follows me.
About 10 minutes later she's there. We talk about what had happened the night before, we all feel awful that we didn't answer our phones!

I start driving and Pamela follows. Everything is fine, the car is kind of loud but it's old and has 130k miles on it. I make it the ten minutes to Pamela's house and as I'm making the left hand turn into the driveway the car DIES. Bye bye power steering So I muscle the car left and park it. Then the smoke comes... Plumes and plumes of white smoke. I pop the hood and make sure there's no fire. It looks like there was but it had gone put. Crisis averted. But now the car is dead...

Pamela gives me a ride home. You would think that it would have been awkward but it's not. I guess I really do have the gift of gab. She tells me she thinks I'm a hot shit and hilarious and she would rather hang out with me than Seth.

Guess we really have turned a corner.

I get home and it's a little past noon. I start the laundry and clean the house. Then Missy calls me and she's out of work. She comes over and hangs out for about a half hour. It's about 4:30p now and I need to get dinner started and finish cleaning, Seth and I have an appointment to view a house in town at 6:30.
I offer to give Missy a ride home or ask if she wants to stay for dinner. She says she'd like to go home if I don't mind bringing her. I drop her off and get home at 5p.

For dinner I make baked stuffed chicken and have it out and ready to eat by 6:15p. Seth get's home around 5:45p and we shower and eat and are getting ready to head out.
 I walk into the kitchen looking for my mascara in my purse and pull a receipt out of my bag I don't think anything of it so I leave it on the counter without looking for it.

I continue to get ready and I hear Seth say, "Hmph..."

I pop my head out of the bathroom and ask, "Did you say something?"

He says, "I said, hmph that's interesting. The receipt from Cumby's from last night. Marlboro's and a Bic lighter?"

OH SHIT.

I say "I know, I'm sorry. I took two drags and through the whole pack out the window."

That's all he says and we don't speak much until we're in the car.

We are on our way to go see a house we could potentially be setting up the rest of our lives in and then we're going to is sisters house.

He says, "I just decided... I decided I'm going to find something you absolutely despise, something that completely disgusts you and do it just to spite you."

Ok, here we go... "Are you kidding me right now? Sure you do that, 6 months into our marriage you're already trying to spite me. Wow, we are really going to make it far."

He says, "You smoke just to spite me!"

"Me smoking has absolutely nothing to do with you!! "

"Oh, that's nice that's real nice."

"Seth, I am not perfect, I have my vices. I work on them but I am no where near close to perfect."

"So now it's a vice, so you do this all the time!?"

"Are you serious? Maybe you should understand what a word means before you try to use it against me!"

"So you leave me all by myself all night last night and make me feel like shit, I would never do that to you!"

I fucking lose it... "Are you serious! This is the story of my life with you!! Every single fucking softball game I have ever been to with you you have done this to me! Every single basketball game, every time I have been anywhere with you you sit there and talk to every single person and I just sit there feeling out of place, feeling like I shouldn't be there, hating every second I am there!"

"I never leave you alone!"

"Are you kidding me??? You go to the bathroom it takes you 30 minutes to come back because you ran into so and so and had to catch up and then the worst part of it is you always say how much you can't stand these people yet there you are talking like they're you're best friend reminiscing about times before me and there I am sitting there not even able to jump into the conversation because it's always about when you were with Pamela! And let's not forget the 2 years I wasn't legally ALLOWED to be around the kids because of the divorce decree or how about the other day when we were at the basketball game and I was standing there, all alone, waiting for you while you were in full bromance with Pamela's brother??? But you're right YOU  NEVER MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I DON'T BELONG!!!! "

"That's so not the same thing..."

"Let's get one thing straight, if you don't get a hold of this fucking double standard that you seem to have... you can drink but I can't, you can talk to everyone like you're the mayor while I just sit there but I can't, you're allowed to make plans for us but I can't, you decide when we go home but I can't. Fuck you! Get this straight or 6 months is the longest this marriage will EVER be."

And now I am in tears and pulling into the driveway to meet the realtor. I wipe my eyes and fix my mascara. I look at him and say, "You think I never pretend. Just watch."

I get up out of the car with a smile and see the realtor, "Jim! So good to see you thank you so much for meeting us! We're excited to finally start looking at houses!"

Then I walk past Seth without even glancing at him to meet the realtor selling the house, "Hi, I'm Eliza this is my amazing husband Seth..."

Afterwards we get in the car and Seth says "We should kiss. I never realized how I made you feel. I'm sorry. But please work on your vices. Work on your problems."

" I do work on my problems. I work very hard on them. It's scary that you cat see that..."


And now we start. All over again. Back to day one. You can only call the first time a slip up, the second time, is a mistake, and the third is back to your evil ways.

Chapter 42...The Silver Lining

They say God only gives you what you can handle.

I feel like he has given me A LOT over these past years.

Today though, everything seemed to start to fall into place.

I met with an employment agency and they are super excited that I walked into their office.
I know how this works, employers pay them to find candidates and then they get paid on placement and based on how much money the candidate get offered.
I have never met two more excited women.
We spoke for about a half an hour about what my career goals will be. They told me that just based off my resume, I am a very seasoned human resource candidate.
That is exactly what I needed to hear. Somebody thinks I can do more than bag groceries!! And now I have these two women searching for a job FOR ME!
I feel like a life raft was just tossed my way.

Second, Seth and I have started to look at houses. We have decided on the next town over. The town he grew up in.
The funny thing about this is I thought he didn't want to live in Somertown. When he started looking at houses in Somertown I said to him, "I'm confused, I thought you were against living in Somertown?"
He replied, "No, I would love to live in Somertown. that's where my whole family is! I thought YOU didn't want to live in Somertown because it's TOO close to my entire family."
We laughed and each of us said we had no objections with living in Somertown. So we started the search.
I contacted two realtors today and we have a meeting set up  tomorrow with one of them. We did a drive by of two houses and I actually kind of fell in love with one of them.
It's a bit of a fixer upper but it just calls to me. It's weird, I know. But I can't get it out of my head! Is this love at first sight??
I can actually see Seth and I sitting on the deck watching the sunset over the water. (Yes it overlooks a river!)
On Sunday Seth and I went out for lunch. It seems to be our new Sunday tradition. We went to a seafood restaurant and enjoyed some really good (but oh o bad) food. We started with Jalepeno poppers, a stuffed quahog, and a cup of clam chowder. Seth ordered a chourico sandwich with fries, I got eggplant Parmesan with linguine.
That was WAY too much food but it was soul food. Feeding our souls so we can last one more week!
At the end of lunch I hadn't touch my linguine with sauce. They had served that on  separate plate. All I had room for was the delicious eggplant. I didn't want to take it home either, I knew it would never get eaten. I felt a little guilty for wasting the food but either way it was going  to get wasted.
As we were getting up Seth says to me as he's looking out the window, "Is that a homeless guy??"
I stand up and look to where he is pointing and see a man sitting down on a piece of wood. He's very disheveled and looks down on his luck. I say "Yea, I think  it is."
Seth usually comes up with some sarcastic comment or another and makes an ass of himself but all he says is, "It's supposed to snow later I hope he stays warm."
I cock my head to the side intrigued by this new Seth. I say "Do you want to give him my leftover pasta? I
I'm not taking it?"
He looks at me like he's going to say no but then surprises me, "Yea, I think I will."
He calls the waitress over and asks for a to go box and some plastic ware. He says "Can't make the guy eat it with his fingers!"
He asks the waitress, "Do you know about that guy? Is he homeless?"
The waitress says "yea he's there every now and again"
Seth then tells her we're going to give you leftovers to him. The waitresses oh and ah and compliment how nice that is. Seth eats it up. I simply smile.
When we get outside Seth says, "Sorry, I took all the credit for your idea. They're probably in there talking about how great a guy I am right now"
I smile at him and say, "I don't mind my love. As long as the guy gets something in his belly."
We get over to the guy, I stand back as Seth approaches. I want him to do this all on his own. I want him to feel how good it feels to help people who are down on their luck.
Seth asks the guy, "Hey we saw you sitting over here and weren't going to take out leftovers. Thought we'd offer it to you. Would you like some pasta?"
The guys eyes light up, "Sure! That's awfully kind of you! Say, does it have sauce on it!?"
Seth laughs,"Yea, it has sauce on it. Hey, enjoy and keep warm tonight!!"
The guy says, "Thanks a bunch. Have a great day!"
We walk away.
Seth grabs my hand and gives me a kiss on the cheek. He turns to me and says, "I never in a  million years would ave done that. You make me a better person"
And that's why I married this man.

For the first time in a long time the future is starting to look bright!.
I'm excited.

Chapter 41... loneliness

It's been 99 days since I last had a drink.

My great Aunt Betty passed away on the 10th.
I hadn't seen her in ages. She was 90 years old
.
This got me thinking about the past. About my grandmother, her sister.
It brought back some fond memories but also some not so fond memories.
I thought of when she passed away, how I was feeling then.
The people I had in my life then.
The people that are in my life now.
I have come a far way.

Death always gets me feeling a bit lonely.
I'm sure death doesn't make anyone warm and fuzzy on the inside but it really scares me.
When I think about growing old, with my husband... I always think...who's going to be there?
Sure I have my brother and sisters. I have my parents, now.

Seth always says, "the girls will be there for you."
But I'm afraid that they won't.
Seth always jokes that he'll be the first to go and I'll find someone else.

I don't think it's funny. Statistically he will be the first to go.

The future I have chosen is a very lonely one. It's like I'm destined to be alone.
I have done a fine job of pushing everyone away.
I don't have very many close friends, asides from Alice.

Clearly I don't do very well on my own.
The thought is terrifying.
I can't stop my mind from creating these stories when we are out and I see an elderly person all alone. My heart aches for them. I don't even know if they really are sad or alone, it just happens.
I picture myself as them, going through the motions at the supermarket or at a restaurant.
All alone.
I don't like cats so I can't be a cat lady.
Dogs, I'm sure I'll have several of those.
The girls, will they come visit me? After their father is gone?
Will I be grandma to their children? After their father is gone?
What will I be?

It's hard to say, especially when I don't even know what I am now.

Chapter 40... stress makes you sick

I just got my results from my blood work....
High cortisol Levels, low b12 levels, and a UTI.
Now I have to go back for more blood work and see a urologist.
I have my sleep study scheduled for tomorrow night.

Two days later...

Have you ever tried to sleep attached to 47 wires? On your head, arms, feet, across your chest...
I have no idea how this sleep study could give any results! I got hardly any sleep. I had to take 2 lunesta's and 3 melatonin just to doze off for an hour and wake up having to pee!
I was in a room, set up just like a bedroom. When I needed anything I just had to say "Hello!" so now having to pee, being disoriented, I wake and call out "Hello, is there anyone there!"
A voice comes over the intercome, "Yes..."
"I gotta pee..."
"One minute."
And then the woman comes in, grabs my wires and throws them around my neck and I have to walk to the bathroom carrying all my wires, groggy from all my pills, blinded from the light in the hall way, and sit down to pee while trying to keep the wires out of the way.
That takes talent.
I was woken up at 5am, wires removed, and sent home. I went straight to bed.
That was awful

Three days later...

I feel like I have gone crazy.
I'm not used to going to so many doctors.
Usually I just let myself be sick.
I feel like a hypochondriac.
Look at me,  Within the last two weeks I have had 14 vials of blood taken, I've gone for a sleep study, and today I just called to make another doctors appointment.
Ever since the sleep study I have had this awful migraine.
Shooting pain starting to the left of my right eye ball and moving right down the whole half of my head, if that makes any sense. It sits right in the back of my head, like it pooled overnight and is just waiting to burst through my brain.
It feels like my head is imploding.
I can't focus.
I'm freezing.
I'm nauseous.
I can't keep my eyes open.
I can't keep them shut.
If I shut my eyes I can still see the light. I can see the image of my pupil dilate and with every dilation comes this tearing white pain.
What the hell is going on with me??
I have no energy, like zero.
I am 150% exhausted. It takes all I have to even keep my eyes open past 7:30pm.
Last night I got this terrible chill I could not shake. I took my temperature and it was 96.6 degrees. I thought you would be hot if you had a low temperature....
I ran a scalding hot bath and jumped in trying to shake this chill.
I had to refill the bath with hot water twice because the water went luke warm and I was still shivering. I stayed in there for over an hour.
After I got out I felt a little bit better but that didn't last long.
I was able to stay up for about an hour and then I tucked into bed and watched House of Cards for a couple hours.
My headaches was back so I watched with one eye open while putting pressure on the right side of my head.

Stress really does make you sick.

Chapter 39: Stress takes it's toll

After some deep consideration I have decided that I am just taking a couple days off from work.
I'm still looking for another job and quitting but I don't want to go out with them knowing they got to me.

I went to my doctor today.
I love her.
I have never had such a great doctor.
I've been seeing her for just about 2 years and she just has a way about her. I can talk to her about anything.  I have been suffering through a pretty nasty cold thing so she gave me some medicine for that.

I then started talking to her about how I've been feeling lately.
I had done a web search to try to figure out why I'm so exhausted and achy all the time and read about adrenal fatigue.
When I mentioned this to her she didn't make me feel silly or disregard me, she said it's possible and schedule me to have blood work done tomorrow morning.
I guess 8am is the only time of day they can take the blood to check my cortisol and Vitamin B levels so I have a nice early appointment.
She then asked me if I snore, when I said yes she checked my throat again and announced she it fairly certain I have sleep apnea.
She then goes on to explain that I have a very crowed throat (is that a technical term?) and tells me sleep apnea is a disorder where everything basically get's in the way while I'm sleeping and I stop breathing for about 20 seconds. When this happens my brain sends a signal that cause me to jerk and basically jump start my breathing. She looks at my chart quickly and shakes her head, almost laughing at herself, and says "I can't believe I hadn't seen this all along. Sleep apnea would cause all of this."

So blood work and a sleep study will be in my future.  We shall see.
Stress can seriously damage you.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired because of stress. I just want to feel... Good. I can't remember the last time I felt good and that's pretty messed up.

Chapter 38... the slip up

Today would have been day 80. Drink free.

Unfortunately that is not the case. I allowed myself to have a drink. Three drinks to be exact. Three whiskey and diet cokes.
Don't shake your head at me. I needed a hole to hide in so with my husband by my side I decided I was going to have three drinks tonight.

Have you ever had salt rubbed in a cut? Like literally gotten salt in a teeny tiny paper cut?
That shit stings like crazy!!!
That's what happened to me today.
My job had cut me wide open with the whole store manager thing.
But I still had this last little bit of hope that we would be going to Block Island.
This would give us three more years with the company and three years to figure out what I am going to do with my life.

I know I've said that I'm done with this company many times but I have dedicated almost 50% of my life to them.
I had to give them one last chance. Shame on me.

Now remember, back in November I was approached by George, the district manager for Block Island. He told me plain as day, if you want the Island, it's yours. We'll get you out there in two weeks. I was waiting to hear back from the other job (the one that strung me along for 5 months and ended up not picking me) so I had told him I would get back to him.

In January Seth and I went and interviewed for the position on Block Island. A couple weeks late I ran into George in one of the stores. He asked me when the lease was up on my house and told me that Seth and I need to get out and visit Block Island as soon as possible. There was urgency in his voice. And so we did. I wrote to George telling him we loved it and that we look forward to hearing back from him.

About a week ago Seth and I received an email invitation to meet in Marston's Mills to hear the verdict. Marston's Mills is about an hour and a half away from us. We figured we would be offered a contract and that's why we had to go all the way down there.
Boy were we wrong.

My meeting was at 1p Seth's was scheduled for 1:30p. We got there at about 12:45 and headed inside. George came out and said hello and invited me into the office. He was in there with his HR rep. We small talked for about 2 minutes about the weather and a thunderstorm that had happened the night before. Then the conversation goes like this:



April from HR "So how was your drive down here?"

"It was long, this is quite out of the way but hey I'm here."

"Yea..." George and April exchange an awkward look "So when we had first started talking we had two spots available and now there's only one so unfortunately we won't be needing you or Seth."

I have this dumbfounding look on my face.
Jaw dropped white as a ghost are you fucking kidding me look.

April starts saying, "We expect two spots to be open in November so you can try for it..."

I cut her off "No we will not be trying for it again. Thank you."

I get up grab my stuff and turn to leave. As I get to the door I turn and say "Seth will not be needing to come in here, I doubt he cares..."

George cuts me off and tries to turn it on me, "Oh so he doesn't care..."

I cut him off "No George, don't even.  He cares. I care. A phone call would have sufficed instead of having us drive all the way out here."

April says, "We wanted to tell you face to face."

I chuckle, "Thank you, that was very kind of you."

I then make my exit and tell Seth let's go we're leaving.
He's so confused right now.
He says "What, they don't want to talk to me??"
I tell him, "You can go in there and talk to them but the answer is no and I'm leaving."

I get to the car and the flood gates open.
 Who do these people think they are?
How far are they trying to push me?
Are they trying to get me to quit? Because they just insured that I will be quitting.

Seth is sitting there just watching me cry trying to figure out the right thing to say but there isn't anything he can say.
He then decides he wants to go speak to them so he leaves me be and goes inside.
I take this time to call my doctor and make an appointment for Friday.
I need some time off to figure things out.

Seth returns about a half hour later. I look up and he's walking towards the car with this pissed off expression on his face.
His hands are clenched in fists and he is walking with a purpose.
When he gets in the car I ask him how it went.
Can you believe they never even opened the door to speak to him? He spent a half hour waiting outside the office while they sat behind a closed door and ignored his knocks.

After our hour and a half drive home we go out to lunch and talk about what just happened, well more like what's going to happen.
I can't stay with this company any longer.
Not after what just happened. This is our lives and they just fuck with them for fun. I wonder if they laughed about it after we left.
I bet they did.

Now I have to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.
 Do you know how hard that is?

Have you ever been in a relationship that wasn't going very well at all but you stay because it's all you know?
You are so scared to break up with your significant other because for as long as you can remember it's been you and him. Life without him is terrifying and unknown.
So you stay. He treats you like shit, he makes you feel like shit, he makes you feel stupid and incompetent but then he says I love you and tells you how great you are and so you stay.
You deal with all the shit because it's all you've ever known.
You may try to break up with him, knowing it's the right thing for you, but you can't seem to get away.
You sacrifice for him, you change for him, you cater to him.
You basically give him all of you and get nothing in return.
Sometimes you feel absolutely crazy for trying so hard.
Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard!
Then one day you find out that he's been cheating on you and he no longer wants you. He leaves you and you're left all by yourself feeling so stupid for being so God damn naive, so fucking weak. It's heartbreaking, it's soul shattering.

That's how I feel.

So later that night as we are showering I tell Chris I'm going to have a couple drinks tonight. We're going to pretend like it's February 29th, a day that doesn't really exist and I'm going to forget all about it.

Chapter 37... When one door closes

It has been quite some time since I cried myself to sleep. Tonight I didn't let myself, I shed some tears and got up to sort out my thoughts.

My first thought was it has been 76 days and today I thought for sure I was going to have a  drink. As a matter of fact, when I left work today I pictured myself opening the bottle of wine that had been sitting on the counter since Christmas. Then I spoke to my husband and he said he was going to have some drinks tonight. At that point I could feel the whiskey burning away every shred of my miserable day.

Today started like any other. I was up before my alarm and checked my phone. I had a message from my brother calling me an asshole and telling me fuck you. Nice, real nice.
You see last night I was on Facebook and saw one of his many stupid ignorant posts. Typically I can ignore it but this one hit me right in the heart. It said something like "Trying to raise $3000 for Solar Share, a nonprofit that installs solar panels in countries that don't have electricity. If I can raise the $3k it gets (super awesome talented) me on the installation project!"
 So I simply commented "So you're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart or for these countries?"
 Simple question right? Are you doing this to help other countries or so you can travel the world on your companies dime? Needless to say he flipped out, so clearly he wasn't happy with me pointing out his obvious selfish intent. I went to reply to his message but he had blocked me already, no surprise there. So I carried on with getting ready for work.

I then proceeded to a meeting with HR and my district manager. I had been pushed to complete a store manager assessment. Basically my companies idea of interviewing you for a store manager spot. I don't want the job, it's what they want for me.

We sit down and I am told that I was rated "unqualified." Now, this shouldn't hurt because I didn't want the job anyways right? Wrong,  I am so pissed that I was pushed to apply for something that I didn't even want and then told no. Are you kidding me?

This leaves me with 4 doors closed in my face in the last 12 months. Every time I try for something they tell me I'm not good enough. So now the question I am stuck with is this.... why am I still with a company where I am clearly going no where, treated like a piece of shit, and made to feel worthless?

There is absolutely nothing for me in this company. Now I just need to really get over the fear of leaving and get the fuck away as fast and as far as possible.

I leave the meeting and drive to work and sit the the parking lot for about ten minutes and just cry. I have been made to feel so stupid. I feel so fooled. So very stupid. And I do not like feeling this way.

This got me thinking about what I want to do. I want to make people not feel like I have been made to feel!

I want to help people. The only time I have been happy in my position is when I'm able to mentor and help other people. I love helping people succeed. I love helping the community. I love every aspect about that.

Then I started thinking about who I know that love their job for those reasons and I came to my cousin Julie.
She absolutely loves her job. She is constantly talking about how rewarding it is. And that is what I want. I sent Julie a message asking if she had any openings at her company. She said yes and sent me a link, she told me to look them over and see what I liked and we could meet next week. She works for the May Institute helping kids with disabilities. From what I gather, she's kind of a big deal there so I might as well use my connections!
I check out what she's got to offer and explain what I'm looking for, maybe it'll be a match made in heaven.

Although, I am in hell so anything is a step up from here.

But enough talking about leaving this shitty company already, time for some action.

I then had lunch with my parents. They're office is right down the street from where I'm working. Seth was supposed to meet up with us but he had to pick up Ashley from school.  I try to talk to them about my brother, they don't want any part in it. I try to talk to them about my job. They tell me its time to quit but don't really care to get into it. All I want is some guidance, some thing, any thing! But this is my family, we don't go further than the tip of the iceberg.

I went back to work after lunch and called my old store manager. He gives me a pep talk. Tells me I'm not a quitter and I need to keep on keeping on. I feel a little better but still bummed out

I came home with a new purpose, find a new job and something that makes me happy. I broke a sweat and busted out some stress relieving moves during my dance video and watched a movie with Seth and Ashley. Seth had drinks... I didn't.

Chapter 36... No Bullshit

Melissa had turned 18 years old on Wednesday. Can you imagine that I have not one, but two step daughters over the age of 18? This is crazy!

Luckily things have been better with Melissa. Ever since I reached out to Pamela and started communicating with her. Guess she doesn't have anything bad to say about me when I'm the only person who communicates with her!

I decided that we would take the girls out to a Murder Mystery Dinner and I invited Pamela. She accepted.

If you would have told me even 6 months ago that I would be inviting Pamela to dinner I would have laughed at you! With age comes maturity though...

It was about -6 degrees tonight. Just a little bit cold... We got to Pamela's house around 5:30p to meet up with everyone. Carissa couldn't make it, she told me she was booked for the whole month, so it was myself, Seth, Ashley, Melissa, her BFF Allie, and Pamela. We had to take two cars so Seth and I were driving up with Melissa and Allie, Pamela and Ashley were following in her car.

Seth had gotten the three girls flowers for Valentine's Day so we were going inside. The walk to the front door wasn't shoveled so we ad to go through the garage. This led into, Pamela's bedroom. A bit awkward but hey why not? As we enter, Pamela is downstairs getting ready. Her room is a bit disorderly, bed unmade, clothes laying all about, but no surprise there.  She doesn't strike me as the most organized person... Seth moves to go upstairs and Pamela's calls for me. She wants my opinion on what she's wearing. She had already texted me earlier asking me what I was wearing. i told her a skirt, sweater, and heels. And so I was wearing a skirt, sweater, and heels.

She asks me, "Tell me the truth, do I look like a heffalump!???" She was wearing leggings, knee high boots, and a shawl like top. She didn't look bad in it so I said, You look fine."

She then gasps and say, "Please tell me you're old enough to know what a Heffalump is!"

I roll my eyes, "Yes Pamela, I know what a Heffalump is." At this point I consider telling her she in fact does look like one and nothing she wears is going to change that but I play nice. I tell her, "You look fine. Are you comfortable? Because that's what matters. If you're not comfortable then change." And I walk upstairs.

We get to dinner and are sat at a table with two other couples. I am on one side and Pamela is directly across from me.  We have the strange couples on our sides. I strike up a conversation with them but keep it casual. Pamela asks the same questions to each of them... typical questions, "Do you have kids?" "How old are they?" "Where are you from?" "What do you do?"

I don't ever ask these questions because I don't care. I'm not here to make small talk with strangers I'm here to celebrate Melissa's birthday. Although, I never was very good at small talk. I will answer questions if they're asked but I never care to find out about these people I will never see again. I don't need to find 'common ground' to have conversations with people. I usually just stick with what's going on around us. We are at a Murder Mystery dinner after all. There is plenty to talk about without having to get to know these people.

They have a mugshot photo set set up so we all go over to get our pictures taken. Pamela doesn't want a part of it so she stays at the table. Guess she didn't want to look like a heffalump in the picture...

Then after dinner was served the show starts. This involves us getting up and asking questions to the 'suspects.' ME and the girl to my right jump right up ready to go. Nobody else moves. I say "Come on girls, Melissa it's your birthday let's go. I follow your lead!" Pamela says she'll stay at the table and watch the purses. After that nobody moves. They all look at each other wondering what to do. I roll my eyes, again, grab Seth, and say "Ok, I did not pay for you all to sit and watch teh purses get up and let's go figure out who the murderer is. Melissa, Ashley, Allie out of your seats let's go!" And I take off. Surprisingly they all follow. All but Pamela. She's babysitting the purses....

The girl that was sitting next to me was really into it and so was I. This got the girls really into it. Allie was actually pretty good at tit. Ashley and Melissa were just having fun piecing things together. Seth and I took  the lead with interrogating the suspects. When it as time to put in our guess we ended up guessing correctly. It was fun. I just wish Pamela wasn't such a lump on a log.. but it gave me this sense of empowerment that I hadn't had before. She really is boring. I am fun. Yay for me.

All the girls left with Pamela so Seth and I drove home alone. As we are driving I ask him, "Is Pamela always like that?" He says "Like what? Debbie downer? Party killer? Yep that's her." I can't help but chuckle at this. Good to know.

Chapter 35: Awkward....

It was Saturday night and Seth and I went over to his sisters house. I guess she wasn't expecting us, her husband forgot to tell her he had invited us over. She was shocked... borderline mortified that she wasn't expecting us and hadn't had a chance to clean... I tried to tell her not to worry, we're not going to judge her for having toys laying around but she still seemed so uncomfortable.

We made our way in and I went and posted up in the living room. I had asked Seth to stop at Dunkin' Donuts so I could get a coffee. I've realized if you have a drink of any sort in your hand people don't try to push you to have a drink.

Seth had just stopped at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of Kilbeggins Whiskey. We had toured the Kilbeggins  distillery when we were in Ireland on our honeymoon. It's one of the best whiskeys we've ever had. Very smooth, not too smokey, very strong... all in all delicious.

Seth made himself a drink and we started to relax.

A couple hours later I had finished my coffee.
It was almost like his sister was waiting for me to finish. After I took my last sip she immediately asked "Do you want a glass of wine!?"
It almost seemed like she was begging me to have a drink with her. I declined. She asked a couple more times through out the night. I finally asked her if I could just have a coke zero.

It's funny how people act once you decide to stop drinking.
If I had never been a drinker it wouldn't be a problem but now that I have CHOSEN to stop drinking, it seems as though people feel guilty... I don't know if guilty is the word... it almost seems like they feel ashamed... yes, ashamed that they are drinking.
Especially after I say it's been over two months since I've had a drink. Almost always the reaction is "Wow, I couldn't do that... why??" And then I have to explain why I don't want to drink...I don't want to say I can't have a drink because one drink always turns into one too many. I don't want to say I have a  problem, I don't know if I have a problem.  I just don't want to feel like shit. Drinking has never done a single good thing for me.

I've just been telling people I'm trying to get in to shape.
I'm trying to be healthy. That seems to placate them, but I still get the sideways glances like there's some big secret I'm hiding.
It's no secret it's just I don't want to poison myself and I don't want to make you feel guilty or ashamed for wanting to drink.

So after several hours I decided it was time to go. Seth had started speaking in slurs and mumbles. His sister and her husband started getting droopy eyes and bickering back and forth.
It's always awkward to see couples bickering and I was glad it wasn't Seth and I this time... another good think about not drinking.

I drove home and Seth stumbled inside. He's an amusing drunk, he gets very lovey dovey. So he proclaimed his love for me for about an hour and we went to bed.

The next day was Super Bowl Sunday. We had plans to go to our friends house, Keith and Maddy.

We headed over there around 5:30pm. Tonight Seth was not drinking, he was still recovering from the night before.
The second we walked in Keith and Maddy asked us what we wanted to drink. Again, I had to explain why I was't drinking. Seth used the excuse that he had to work in the morning and had had too much to drink last night.

Keith and Maddy felt very awkward. Maddy stated several times that she couldn't believe neither of us were drinking.
It's not like conversation was awkward, we were having a good time... After the third time I was a little annoyed by it and then I realized I had been in their shoes on more than one occasion.

I hated when I was drinking and other people weren't. Nobody wants to be the only drunk person. And nobody wants to be the drunkest person. If we were drinking it would be less obvious to tell who was drunk. No one would have to feel guilty or ashamed for numbing themselves. Misery loves company as much as a drunk loves another drunk.

We decided to leave at half time, not because of the pressure to drink just because we had planned on leaving at half time. As we were getting ready to leave Maddy and I were talking about planning a vacation together this spring. She told us they had one condition, Seth and I had to drink with them... I just smiled and said yea sure.

And that is why I will always have a bottle of cranberry juice handy... they can think I'm drinking and no one has to feel bad.

PART II Chapter 34: This world we live in

Everyday I get more and more disappointed at the world we live in; well more the the world a majority of us a terrified to live in.
This world we live in has been created by an inundation of media outlets and the problem is people take the opinions of these people and corporations as truths.

Since when is someone's opinion supposed to be my truth??

And since when has it been OK for people to be so self absorbed?? If I'm not mistaken, vanity is one of the seven deadly sins.


Just today I saw a post on Facebook, because everything on Facebook is true, that said "so done with being nice and not getting it on return."

 Maybe we should just stop expecting it in return. Maybe if we didn't expect it returned and just did it for the simple sake of being nice we would all be a hell of a lot happier. Instead of what can you do for me, maybe we should all think how can I make today better? But we don't think like that. Being nice is frowned upon. Mean hearted self-absorption is rewarded. Just drive down the highway ad look at the billboards, turn on your TV and watch the commercials. You see lawyers EVERYWHERE. You slipped and fell, let's sue someone. You were in a car accident, let's sue someone. Your loved one dies, let's sue someone. It's a reward based society based on hurting those who hurt us.... or finding someone to blame. People are terrified of being blamed because of this. And thus comes an attitude of self absorbed herds.


I was in Subway yesterday. It was around noon so it was busy. There were 3 people behind the counter, one wearing "manager" on his badge.

As I stood in line patiently I noticed this soft spoken girl in front of me and as she quietly ordered her 6" meatball sub with American cheese I wished her some confidence to say her order loud enough for the clerk to here. I felt empathy for her... an emotion that doesn't exist now a days...and on the line moved.

I placed my order and waited... double chopped chicken salad please, heat the chicken! I moved up and tuned out my surroundings. I was lost in my own thoughts when I heard the clerk call out, "Six inch meatball! Meatball! Who had the meatball!"

 The soft spoken girls order was up to be paid for but she wasn't approaching. As they called her order again I glanced up jarred out of my own thoughts and saw she was holding on to the soda machine and at first looked a little panicked. I thought she just didn't hear them or was too shy to approach and claim her order.

 They called her order again and then all three clerks stopped what they were doing and exclaimed "what's wrong with her."

 I, along with the entire restaurant looked up and saw something was definitely not right. She was clinging to the handle of the soda cooler with hide eyes. Her lips were trembling and she was twitching slightly.

There were three people between me and her. All backed away from her like she was going to explode. One father grabbed his two children and hugged them away from her. She looked totally freaked out.  I recognized she was having a mild seizure. I told the clerk to put her order aside and I rushed over to her and touched her arm asked her if she was OK. She nodded yes. I asked if she was having a seizure. She nodded yes.  she wasn't verbally responsive at first but was still standing and answering in head nods so I kept talking to her about my dog who has seizures and I went on about him in a calm smooth voice.

After a minute she said yes it was a seizure she sometimes gets from the lights and that she just wanted to get her sandwich and go home. Because I had stood between her and everyone else she was blocked from their stares and whispers and was able to regain her composure. I let her be and took my place in line. She quickly paid for her sub and rushed out embarrassed. I didn't do this for applause or appreciation. I did it because another human needed help and in a society where everyone is constantly ASKING for help, I gave it to someone who needed it, someone who would never have asked for help, because we all know no one else in that restaurant was going to.

When I took my place in line the woman behind me tried to talk to me about her, "what happened, oh my God that was scary!" I just smiled and thought, scary for who? Scary that you might have had to of been inconvenienced at Subway by a medical emergency that happens everywhere everyday. The woman kept talking though, finally I just said "She just needed a minute and didn't need everyone staring and pointing at her. It happens" And I paid for my salad and left.



********

It has been 61 days since I last had a drink.

I started a new workout regiment. It seems like I'm always looking for something new! This one is a dance video called "Cize." And man, I cannot dance! It's hilarious. Yesterday while I Was dancing a new routine I was laughing at myself and my lack of coordination. But I was doing it! And I am not going to give up regardless of how awful I am!

I still get so restless. We had a pretty bad snow storm yesterday. I have been put on a new assignment for work hiring Temporary Replacement Workers aka Scabs. Basically I set at a conference center and wait for people to come in and apply to work in the case of a strike. No one is coming in. I have spent he last 2 weeks reading, walking circles, doing laps around the building, trying to converse with the other two ladies with me, trying to find new topics to talk about. Doing a whole lot of nothing, but hey I'm getting paid to do nothing so who am I to complain.

I'm the head of this project so I drove the 10 miles down the road in the middle of the snowstorm to open the hiring center.  The roads were awful. The snow came down fast and wet. The streets were coated with a slushy mess. It took me a half hour to drive the ten minutes it normally takes me. White knuckled, slow, and steady. I am not rushing to get in to this place, and who in their right mind would come out in this weather to apply for a position that they will most likely never end up working anyways!

When I got in I set up my laptop and turned to channel 12 news. I let that stream in the background as I cranked up the heat, pulled my boots off, and curled up in one of the big cozy office chairs with my book. I was facing the window so had a perfect view of the piling snow and my car slowly disappearing under the white blanket.

About a half hour later Seth texted me that our house had lost power, he was heading out to work early. Well, good thing I'm here safe and sound with power. I got lost in my book. I went for a walk a couple of times just to get some steps in. Up and down the stairs, up and down and up and down. After about two more hours I settled in again. It was getting pretty bad outside.
My cell phone started buzzing and I saw it was my HR command center. They said the roads were getting terrible and they wanted everyone to pack up and head home. So much for safe, warm, and cozy.

I put my boots back on, bundled up and hurried out to start the task of clearing off my car. I had been plowed in... great. Luckily I had parked with this in mind. I got in my car and rolled forwards and backwards a few times and my car shot out, fishtailed slightly, and off I went.

The roads had gotten even worse. And now my gloves were soaked, my hat was soaked, I was cold. I was wet. My heat was cranked up but my body heat, the car heat, and the moisture coming off of me was fogging up the windows. All I could think was, this is going to take a while.

Finally after a half hour I got to my street... tires spinning on top of the snow and slush. Just a little bit further! Then I came to a downed wire with a police cruiser blocking my path. I could see my house.... I had to back track and go around. Why didn't I just stay and wait a little bit longer at the hiring center... I pulled a u-turn and headed back the way I came. I took a right at the upcoming intersection and headed down the back roads. The very messy hardly plowed back roads.

The sight was unbelievable.  It was like a winter wonderland. Everything was white. The sky, the trees, the ground. The trees were all bent with the heavy snow and the world seemed to have turned black and white. I nearly pulled over to take a picture but then my car slipped and skidded and I thought better of that. I kept going trying to focus on my driving rather than the beauty I was surrounded by. It was so still. So peaceful. It was perfect.

I would have missed this if not for that downed wire.... I thought, everything really does happen for a reason.

I got home safe, the power was on, the dogs were happy to have my company and I still had my DVR full and half a book to finish.

Chapter 33: Then...Ambition=desperation?

I had an amazing year this past year at work.

Literally, I made a name for myself.
I feel like I finally came into myself and decided THIS IS WHAT I WANT.
When I decide that, you best not stand in my way!!!!

My district director praised me, my store manager adored me.
I made an impact. I moved numbers.
Everything I did seemed to have awesome results.
I felt like no time is better than the now so I applied for a job I was more than qualified for, just a bit above my pay grade. But hey the answer is always no if you don't ask!

I applied for an internal job.
I got a call back for a phone interview, and I and was psyched!!
Until I hear who it's with... a not so big fan of mine.
Oh well, better to make it through this interview then to not.
So I interview. Not gonna lie, it was not good.
I wasn't ready for some of the questions and I did not speak very well.

Not a big deal, lesson learned. I did not get called in for an interview but the best way to learn is by making mistakes.

A couple months later I'm doing even better and feeling even stronger so I apply for another position, same position as the previous just different department. I get a call back and am ready for the questions and now I have an actual interview.
I'm super psyched. And now I'm prepared. But the department I'm applying for, I don't have much experience with but I'm a quick learner.

I go into the interview and it's two people I don't know.
One from Human Resources, Rachel, one the regional department director, John.
So we go through the interview and I answer all their questions and I'm feeling good.
I did get caught up with one or two of the questions but I've learned to (as my now store manager recently told me) have the gift of gab.

I get a call a couple weeks later from the HR manager, Rachel, that was in the interview and she has not ONE bad thing to say. Rachel tells me the regional director, John, was absolutely impressed with my interview and how I handled myself.
She told me I interview exceptionally well and I know how to conduct myself.
But the job went to someone with more experience in the department.

I took this as a good thing.....

A couple weeks later I get an email from my HR manager, Alan. A job posted that no one was going for. It was along the buying side.
So I read the description and it's a temp position in the buying department but more along the lines of marketing and E-Commerce. I went to school for marketing and could hear my recently deceased professor saying GO FOR IT!!!!

So I did. And I got an interview and AGAIN I aced it. This time even more prepared then the last. I went in for the interview and it was a video conference with a guy named Jason. One of the people, Sal, didn't show up. No one knew where he was so we went on with the interview. I left feeling awesome about my interview. On the drive home my phone started ringing and it was the recruiter. She told me Sal was absolutely embarrassed he missed the interview and was told that he needs to meet me by Jason. She asks me if it's ok to give Sal  my number. I say yes.
About 20 minutes later my phone rings again and it's Sal. He wants to meet with me today but says he will come to me. I arrange a meeting time and place.
I sat down with Sal for over an hour. He asked me the same questions Jason had so I already knew what to say. I did amazing. Sal started talking to me about pay and location and working from home in extreme weather. I thought for sure I got the job but lo and behold I didn't get it.

I get a call from the recruiter. She tells me everyone was blown away with my interview and that I have such a bright future with the company. I'm told everyone was hands tied with the decision but it came down to me and the person they chose. She asks me if I have a mentor and I say yes. She asks me if I am involved with any 'female' mentoring circles. I say no. She suggests that I find a group of females that will assist me with getting a corporate position. I don't think anything of this at the time.

I take her feedback as a good sign.

I was then moved into a lateral position and training for 6 weeks.

So another position opens up for the first position I had applied for, the one I had the phone interview I bombed... so I went for that. I get a call from the HR rep that did the actual interview with me that gave me rave reviews and she tells me I wasn't selected again but hang in there and get through my training and keep my head up.

I get through training and move into my role. I'm there fore 8 weeks when the position I actually WANT opens up. I apply.....................................

Let me add that I have been very close with the person in this role, kind of shadowing them; Recently I was called in to cover off the back end of a meeting because she was sick and no one in the district was more qualified than me to run it; so I ran the back end of it.

MY human resource manager, Alan, whom I get along with very well comes to my store. He calls me into the office and says he got word I applied for this job. He then says I will not be interviewing for this job because I did not get the job I previously interviewed for. (let that sink in...............)

I say to him, that's fine I'm just going to keep on applying until they realize I'm what they want.

Ambitious, right? You would think so.

He says, "well that actually makes you look desperate and perhaps you should give it a rest."(Of course he says *hands in the air* that's not what I'm saying but others)
I say, "Since when is ambition seen as desperation Alan??"
He says, "I'm not saying to stop, I'm just saying to give it a rest. Focus on your training and focus on applying to be a store manager. Things will come in time. Just, stop being so ambitious..."

Thanks for defending me Alan. Apparently ambition is desperation

Apparently HR can stand in the way.

I went home that day and went for the last run I would go on.
When I got back from my run my phone rang. It was my store manager. He was yelling at e, "What did you say to Alan today!?"
I replied, "We were discussing a job I applied for, not that it's your business!"
He says, "Oh? Well apparently you made quite the impression. You got yourself transferred!"
I was transferred 57 miles away that day.
I haven't gone running since.  

Chapter 32: Now... break please!!

The pit is back. The empty nothing in my stomach. I guess it's comparable to a black hole.
It feels like it's sucking in everything around me.
Every event, every emotion, every word... everything just getting sucked into this pit of nothingness and sitting right smack in the middle of my stomach.
It makes me dizzy.
I can feel a weight holding my shoulders down.
I can actually feel it.
It makes breathing feel like a chore.
It feeds off of life.
It sucks the life out of me.
I just want to curl up into a ball and make it go away but curling up into a ball only makes it worse. This is my anxiety.
I don't even know where it came from or why it came here.
I just know it's here, and it wants me to know it's here and it is real.

Usually I'd have a drink to get rid of it. To feed it and make it quiet. But after 42 days I just can't do that...

*******

So much has been happening so fast lately. My whole world is spinning in circles.

At work I was transferred to another store, finally.
I got that news Monday.
I was being sent to the South end of New Bedford.
Closer to home but not that close, but hey anywhere is better then where I am.
On Tuesday I got word that I am not going to New Bedford I am going back to Pawtuckett.
Much closer to home but a very difficult store in the ghetto.
I was there for almost 3 years about 2 years ago.
I know the store and know the people that work there and I also know what to expect from the customers... the awful awful terrible customers.
Wednesday I get a call that I'm not going to be in Pawtuckett I'm going to go on special assignment to set up and run the hiring center in case of a strike... This will be for the next 3 months, Monday through Friday, right down the street from my house. I don't have a say in this.....

Unfortunately I have an interview set up with Harris Teeter in February and was going to take off 3 days and fly down to Virginia. So much for that idea.
It's like they KNOW.
I had to send an email to cancel.

On top of all this, I told my 14 year old step daughter Ashley, that I would take her to New York City for a girls weekend. That was this past weekend.
Ashley had stayed home from school on Friday sick and wasn't sure if she could go.
I had already made reservations at a hotel and it was well past 24 hours notice so I couldn't cancel so I had to scramble for a plan b.
Luckily my little sister Stacey was free and agreed to go if Ashley couldn't.
Miraculously she was better Saturday morning and so we went on our road trip.

It was a three and a half hour car ride and we were in New York by 3pm.
We were one block from Broadway.
Awesome location.
The whole car trip down we sang and danced and joked around, it was fun.
I think she was sick Friday from nerves. She wasn't sure how it would be going away with just me... this is the first time it's been just her and I and it was her first time going to New York City.
Lots of things a 14 year old can worry about.

Once we got checked in we hit the town. It was almost 60 degrees out in mid-January.
Couldn't have asked for better weather! The Patriot's were playing in the AFC championship game at 4:30p so there were (slightly) less people out then a typical Saturday.

We walked up times square, I wanted to take her to Madam Tussouds wax Museum.
As we were walking down the street, out of the hundreds of thousands of people, these two British guys come up behind us and start harassing her. Seriously!!?? Why am I always being tested!?

They were trying to take her hat off and saying they wanted to wear it. I had to transform into angry mama bear and basically told them to fuck off and threaten them with my pepper spray.

One of the Brits says "Oh, she was quite beautiful!" and the other replies "I wouldn't go that far..." and they scamper off.

Ashley immediately says "I hate New York, I want to go back to the hotel" and she turns almost catatonic.
 I tell her "We are not going back, you can't let two idiots ruin our trip! They were probably just drunk. Let's go to the museum and if you still aren't having fun we'll go back. Ok?"
She says "Okay. Fine, Whatever. "

We get to the museum and the line is fairly long.
She is not happy.
She stands there and stares off into nothing.
I try to get her back to earth but she's not really responsive.
Then we get to the entrance and it's a picture spot with King Kong. She says "We are not doing that." I grab her and pull her into King Kong's oversized fist "Oh yes we are!!! Come on Ashley look scared!!"
She rolls her eyes at me and makes a cheesy face. Hey, whatever, at least she made a face... progress!

Then we get into the wax figures and she starts to loosen up a little more.
 I start snapping selfies left and right.
"Ashley, you need to get in some of these with me, people are gonna think I came here by myself!" And so she does.
Then we see Spongebob.
Enough said.
 "Oh my God, Spongebob!! This place is Awesome! I love New York!!"
 (Praise the Lord, there is a God!) Now she's back to herself.
We saw the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, the Spice Girls, Abe Lincoln. She got to stand with Frankenstein, Dracula, and the president. Now we're snapping pictures left and right. Thor is the one that sealed the deal. She threw her arms around him and her leg up in the air "My herooooo! Take my picture with Thor!!"
That's my girl.

At the end of the museum she was thanking me for such good time. She then asks if we can go back to the hotel and order room service. Sure, why not.

So we get back unharmed and she jumps in the shower. Only problem is the hotel we're in doesn't have room service.... hm, shoot. I tell her this and tell her she needs to get dress. There's an Irish Pub right next door we can go to.

After we sit down and order she asks me, "Did you hear what those guys said afterwards?"

I say, "What guys? The idiots from earlier?? They were just being stupid because I made them feel stupid Ashley."

"Yea but did you hear what they said??"

"What, about how 'she's so beautiful' and then the other saying 'no she's not'?? Ashley, did you see them? They were ugly!! Not us."

"No, one of them turned around and said 'Lumpy' to me. He called me fat."

"I don't think that's what he said at all, if anything he probably called you lovey. Want me to go find them and beat them up?"

She laughs, "No, but that wasn't nice at all. I hate people."

"Me too Ashley, me too. But you know what I do love? Animals. Have you heard of the Central Park Zoo? It's right down the street."

"Oh my God we are so going to the zoo! I love the zoo! High five!!"

We high five. "So I hope you still plan on getting dessert with me because that Mississippi Mud pie looks TO DIE FOR! What do you say we take that to go, head back to the hotel, and watch stupid movies and tell ghost stories??"

"Yes!"

And so that's what we did.... It was a good time but my God while we were at dinner I was SO freaking tempted to have a drink, or two... I even had a battle in my head. No one would ever know. I can just have one drink. A really really strong drink. But you stopped drinking for you and you would know. I know but it's just one. I can have ONE drink I'm an adult after all. Is it ever just one drink? You're right. But it would totally help me get through this night. No. No, ok. No drink.... where's the dessert menu....

The next day we got up, had breakfast, and planned the day. The Central Park Zoo was 0.9 miles away. A 20 minute walk. It was colder today, about 35 degrees. I tell this to Ashley and tell her to dress warm. She comes out of the bathroom wearing sSperry topsiders with no socks.... Not exactly warm. She says she'll be fine.... ok, don't say I didn't warn you.....

The walk wasn't that bad. Less people today. Still just as many street peddlers trying to shove flyers in our face. I teach Ashley how to avoid them.
I tell her to just growl at them.
She thinks this is funny.
I growl at the next one.
She thinks it's even funnier. She didn't think I was being serious. Oh, I am.

Finally we see a Starbucks. Coffee! As we approach, two homeless men are outside. They start hollering at us. "Hey sisters, hey twin sisters! You two are beautiful twin sisters! You have a penny to spare!"

I smile and say "No, sorry." and we walk away.

Ashley says "That's funny they thought we were twin sisters." And she smiles to herself.
Hopefully that comment erases the idiot comment from the previous day.
I smile back and say "Come on sister let's head to the zoo!"