Chapter 5: then... Boys will be boys

Going from Catholic School to public school my freshman year in high school was not an easy task. Nobody knew me and I didn't know anybody.

At this point I had only ever kissed 1 boy, he was a French foreign exchange student named Loic. Let me tell you, just because they are French does NOT in any way make them a good kisser! But what did I know then?

I went from wearing a uniform everyday to wearing whatever I wanted. Honestly, the uniform thing is so much easier! Being a lost and confused 15 year old trying to figure out who I was and dress that part was awful. I had no idea who I wanted to be.

All the boys were very interested in the quiet new girl. One freshman on the football team took a liking to me. We started 'going out.' Then one night he invited me to a party and told me he was very excited to take me there because they had this couch in another room and we could have some alone time.

I freaked out! What kind of girl do you think I am!? You think you can just bring me to a party, get me drunk, and take me to a couch!?

I ended it with him.  And also got a reputation as a prude...

The year went on and I fell in with the "bad" kids. My friend Carla hung out with them and so I did too. They were all seniors. Carla was a sophomore and I was a freshman. One of the boys, Jared, asked me if I would be his girlfriend. This was so exciting! Jared was super cool, if Bad Boys could be cool. He had the cool parents with the party house. Everyone always seemed to be over his house. So we started dating. Day drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes. I was super cool.

One day we were sitting in Jared's room with two other people talking about drugs. One of the girls asked me if I ever tripped. I said yes, last summer with my cousin. She asked me if I dropped acid or if I took shrooms... I told her I smoked it. I had no idea what tripping was. I thought it was another term for getting high. They all had a good laugh at my expense. As if I didn't feel like an outsider already now I was the girl who desperately tried to fit in by lying about what she had and hadn't done.

It gets worse.... So like I said, I had only ever kissed a boy. Jared was 17. I was 15. He wanted a lot more then I was ready for and I was hesitant to say no. I didn't want to seem like a loser.

We were in his bedroom one day making out when he took off his pants. I was more than freaking out. How was I getting myself out of this. He then grabbed my head and shoved it down. I had heard of a blow job but had no idea what it was! But like it sounds, I figured I had to blow. So I literally blew... on the tip. Never touched it, just breathed on it. His sister walked in on us. I asked to be taken home. I was mortified. He broke up with me shortly after I told him I wasn't ready for any of this.

I stopped hanging out with the bad kids and went back to hanging out with my neighbor Erica and her friends.

Right before school was let out for the summer I got this major crush on a boy, Chace. He was in Erica's Spanish class and I had study for that class so I would do more then the normal bathroom trips past the room waving and whispering to Erica, trying to get a glance at Chace. He took notice and approached me one day to ask if I wanted to hang out that weekend.

He was my first love. We would talk on the phone all night until the sun came up. We would fall asleep on the phone just so neither of us would have to hang up. He was IT. I spent the whole summer with him. His mother even took us to a concert in Western Mass where we had to stay overnight!

Even then, I wasn't ready to have sex. We did other things but I refused to have sex. It was sacred to me. He even tried the if you love me you will card. He tired the my ex girlfriend and I had sex card. I wouldn't give in.

Then one day right before school started back up Chace called me. Apparently he had run into Jared's sister and they started discussing me. She told Chace that one day she walked in on me and Jared having sex.... I told him it wasn't true that I had never had sex before. He called me a liar and a cock tease. He told me I probably had an STD from Jared and then told me he never wanted to talk to me or see me again. How could I sleep with Jared and not him. He didn't believe me. I was devastated.

I cried in my room all that day. Not only did I lose the love of my life I also could have an STD!? I was freaking out. Can you get an STD from a blow job?? Did I even do it right? Can you get an STD just from kissing someone? I was in panic mode. Hysterical. My mom came in to see what was wrong and I told her everything. She consoled me about my broken heart and assured me you cannot get an STD from oral sex. (Thanks mom.)

I felt like a worthless piece of shit. Why didn't anybody want me? Why did it have to be all about sex?

Chapter 4: 2 months ago

A glimpse into my fucked up mind... ready...
I got married 2 months ago.

Two months to the day.

It has been a bumpy start, but then again our whole relationship started out bumpy. I now have three step daughters,  all teenagers. That has been quite the tumultuous relationship. 

We had a two and a half year engagement. We've been together for almost six years.

Two months ago was a very happy day. All three girls were my bridesmaids. Our relationship was as good as it's ever been. And then the day after it seemed to all change. I don't know what changed but I'm damn near positive it had to do with someone squawking in their ear about how happy their father is and how someone is SO glad they had fun at their father's wedding. 

The day after the wedding my husband, Seth,  and I were running errands. We were leaving for Europe the next day and my step daughter was supposed to watch the house and the dogs. Seth was texting back and forth with Carissa and got frustrated.

"Just call Eliza and figure it out please" Seth texts to her
"I don't want to talk to ELIZA!" was Carissa's response. 

I was reading over his shoulder like a bad girl, like I always do, and didn't say anything because Seth would know I was reading over his shoulder.
Later that night it was still bothering me so I finally asked him why she didn't want to talk to me. He replied he had no idea and thought we had gotten into an argument. We hadn't and so I decided to text Carissa myself.

"Hey Cariss, did you girls have fun at the wedding??"
"Yea!!! It was SO much fun :) :) :)"
"That's good I'm glad to hear that! Then is there some reason you didn't want to talk to me?"
"Oh, that..."
"Sorry, I was bad and was reading over your dad's shoulder. He didn't tell me."
"It's complicated. It's hard to explain, I don't know what to say."
"Listen, I know this is hard and it's hard to realize that your mom and dad are really over but I promise you your mom will be happy at some point. I'll always be here to talk if you need anything. I will try to get along better with your mother if that makes it easier for you"
"Thanks, I appreciate that."

And that was the end of it. And really the end of any relationship she and I had formed. She had gone from texting or snap chatting me every day to... silence. No longer a part of her life I guess.

So I have a drink. Then another. Seth and I have drinks and watch a movie. But then I have this urge to have a cigarette so I tell Seth that over the last two months I've been sneaking smoke breaks when I drink.
He FLIPS and almost leaves but thinks twice about driving after having three drinks. So I decide fuck you, I'm going to leave then. So I grab the bottle of whiskey, my phone, keys, and I'm gone. I drove up the street to cumby's and call my friend Alice.  She meets up with me and tries to calm me down. We go to the beach and talk, I smoke cigarette's like a chimney, and drink my whiskey. She drinks coffee and tries to calm me down. I'm so angry at so much more then I was originally. Finally she convinces me to go home, she drives me home. I go to bed and wake up, the day we are leaving on our honeymoon, hungover with puffy cried out eyes and a husband telling me he thought about getting an annulment because that's how crazy I had behaved the night before.
We talk, kiss and make up but I still feel like such an ass hole. Way to kick off your marriage Eliza... way to go.

It's really hard to be 32 years old married to a 42 year old who has three teenage daughters with a disgruntled ex-wife. I don't know what to think, what to say, how to act. I don't know up from down sometimes. My feelings get so hurt just because I want to show them that I am there for them and I support them. Them being my stepdaughters. Seth tells me not to take it to heart that they do the same thing to him... but I can't accept that.
I have so many God damn emotions that I have no idea if I even have a right to have. I am so confused all the time and my mind goes on swimming and swimming and swimming. I keep thinking it's going to get easier but it doesn't. And  so when I'm home alone and stuck with myself inside my head with all these fucking emotions I need to shut them the fuck up. So I have a whiskey and coke. Just one, it's always just one... and then two... three.... four.
Then I wake up with my body aching at 5 a.m. tossing and turning from all the caffeine and carbs and nothing is solved. Then I look at my phone and delete all the messages I sent that only ever make things so much worse. And I hate myself. So I end up blaming myself for all these horrible crazy confusing emotions I felt the day before because this is what I do.

Chapter 3:Then...

When I was about 14, a freshman in high school, I had spent the night at a friends house. We snuck out and were going to walk up to the convenience store about a mile away. We were rebels after all!!

As we were walking down the street this car of guys pulled up and asked if we wanted to go to a party, we said yes. I had never had a drink before in my life. When we got to the hotel party they asked me if I wanted a drink. I said no. They pulled out a gallon of orange juice and asked if I wanted orange juice. I said sure. Turns out I ended up drinking a 50/50 mixture of vodka and orange juice all night to the point where I have no idea how I didn't die.

There was one point where I was seeing double...  not the double that swayed; this double vision I had to get up and touch the wall because I was positive there were two of the same paintings. It was HILARIOUS for everyone there. Look at the drunk girl Give her some more....

Then I started getting violently ill. My friend and I went to one of the guys houses and I collapsed on the bed throwing up everywhere. They didn't even get me a trash can, they just let me throw up all over the bed.

Can you believe this guy came in and tried to make a move on me? He started pulling my pants down saying he knew what would make me feel better. What the fuck was he talking about? Nothing could make me feel better that involved taking my pants off. Luckily I had on combat boots and have very strong legs because he got a swift kick to the nose. I hope I broke that bastards nose. That was enough for him to call me a bitch and leave me alone.

I must have passed out. Thank God I didn't die... Although,  I woke up the next day and felt like I had died.

I begged my friend and the guy she was with to give me a ride home. I just wanted to go home. Finally they agreed.

It was about 11am. When I got home I tried to pretend I wasn't dying. Too late, the police had been out looking for me all night. My dad told me to take a shower and get dressed. He dragged me down to the police station and threw me in an interrogation room and had a cop scream at me.

She had me sit at the table and asked me how I was feeling? Asked me if I felt 'cool'? Did I think this was how adults acted? She told me I looked like shit then pulled a mirror out and made me look at myself. I did look like shit. I looked like I was dead. I felt dead. I just wanted to go home and crawl into my bed and never get out. Ever. After about 2 hours of this I was able to leave. I went home and slept the whole day.

Chapter 2: Now.

Today is day 1. I have given up alcohol. God that stuff makes me so depressed. I can't even get out of bed in the morning. How did I even get here? I guess the pills with all this x's don't really work when you imbibe in a bottle of wine... 2 whiskey and cokes... A Kahlua and seltzer... And anything else under the kitchen sink.

That's what happened Monday.

I was sad.

I was anxious.

I cleaned the house from top to bottom and was still restless. Sure there was some errands I could run but my mind was swimming in all sorts of directions.

It always does.

I wish I had a slow down button, I wish I had a pause button... But I don't, and so it just runs and runs and runs and runs. I don't even know how I get from point A to point B sometimes.

It starts with one thought or action....

I think I'll clean the house.

God, it's dusty under the bed.

There they are, I need to set up the wedding pictures.

The honeymoon was exhausting! We need to plan a trip somewhere tropical.

Maybe I should google cruise prices.

I'll send an email to AAA.

When's my next vacation? Shoot, not until next April...

It's going to suck going back to work. God, I hate work.

I can't believe my vacation is over and I have to go back.

I need to find something else to do.

What the hell can I do? I've done the same thing for 15 years...

I need to figure out my life.

I need to make myself happy.

I wonder how long it will take before my step kids get used to me.

I wonder how long it will take for me to get used to them.

I need to write this down.

A drink would help...

And the rest is history.

I drank and drank and drank and drank. I vented to people, and numbed my pain, sent some stupid text messages, lied to my husband on the phone (naaaaaaaaoooooh I have NOT been drinking). I woke up super hungover and very very very sad.
My husband was very upset with me that I had lied. That's a problem.
So I swore off alcohol. For real this time. Two weeks before Christmas with 3 parties to attend in the upcoming weeks. This is not going to be an easy start but I have to do it. I want to.

Chaper 1: Then

When I was 11 years old I went on a trip with my family.  We were headed to my favorite Aunts house, my Aunt Karen. She lived in Maryland with my cousin Jay and boyfriend, Rick.

I loved Aunt Karen. She used to joke with my mother and say that I was meant to belong to her. She used to tell me I was perfect and I should be hers. She used to make me feel so damn loved. I never got stuff like that from my own parents. Being one of four children, I guess they really couldn't say stuff like that to any of us... that would be playing favorites and good parents don't play favorites. They love all their children just the same.

So we were at Aunt Karen's for the weekend. It was summer and she had a great big yard with a great big pool. We swam and played all day. It was exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.

Rick and my dad cooked hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill. It's funny to watch them together because my dad thinks Rick is so obnoxious. And he is. But Rick sees how my Aunt Karen loves me and he gives me the same special treatments she does.

After dinner we all gathered around the picnic table outside. The adults started enjoy some spirits, I'm sure they'd been enjoying them all day but this is the first time I noticed.  I thought I was so grown up because all the other kids went down in the basement to play games but I chose to stay up and hang out with the adults. I was way too mature for kid stuff.

I was sitting next to Rick. The whole time we were sitting down he had his arm around my shoulders. I didn't mind this. He loved me and I was his favorite.   He kept rubbing my arm right above my elbow. Over and over and over.  It just felt... bad. Sore but not quite sore. It's hard to explain.  I didn't like it but didn't want to be sent to bed.

Finally I had got up to use the bathroom. I had to pee so bad, I had held it for quite some time not wanting to lose my spot at the table.

When I came out of the bathroom Rick was outside the door waiting for me. He said he wanted to show me a painting in the bedroom, he said he knew I liked art and he thought I'd enjoy it and he wanted my opinion of it. I didn't want to go but he guided me anyways shutting the door behind me.  He pointed to the wall and showed me a painting... it was one of those generic flower paintings you buy at Wal-Mart. I was not impressed and I really wanted to get out of the room but at the same time I was trying to act mature.

The lights were off and the only light was coming through the blinds covering the sliding door, Rick said you could see something in the painting if you had just the right light. He told me to move up and look closely. At this point Rick came up behind me and started kissing my neck. I immediately told him I had to go, that my parents would be looking for me and I ran out of the room. What the hell just happened??? Whatever it was I DID NOT like it and I felt awfully dirty. Aunt Karen was going to be so mad.

I went outside and got my mom and asked her to tuck me in bed. As she was tucking me I burst into tears.  I told her what had just happened. She didn't believe me. She said I was over reacting and said that was just Rick being Rick. I cried a bit more but was so hurt by my mothers reaction. She tucked me in and left me alone.  All the other kids were still downstairs playing.

About a minute or two later Rick appeared in the bedroom. I was terrified.

Rick said my mom had told him what I had said. How could she?? That was our secret!!

Rick wanted to explain that that's not what happened. That I was confused and he was just trying to be nice to me. He got mad at me and told me that if that's how I was going to act when he's nice to me he was just going to be mean going forward. I had nothing to say to him. I couldn't even look at him. I did not want to be in the same room with him. Ever again.

I felt betrayal for the first time in my life... but surely not the last.

Here's the truth.

Have you ever seen warmth? I have. 

I was floating above the clouds with the sun rising at dawn. The color was such a warm yellow mixed with a deep orange. It slowly rolled over the clouds and onto my face. Just the sight of it spread warmth through my entire body. I thought to myself, I could stay here forever. But then I felt cold, cold flakes hitting my face and then the warmth was taken from me. God I wanted that warmth back. Instead I opened my eyes and was completely disoriented. Where the hell was I? I was laying on my back, and I was cold, outside somewhere. I moved to stand up and was met by soaring pain everywhere. I was laying in a briar patch. And then I remembered the fall.

I am a beautiful disaster. I am so put together yet falling apart one piece at a time. My smile is so fake I don't even need to fake it anymore. People love me but in truth, I just want to be alone. If they got one glance into what goes on in my head, they'd leave me be.

Most times I can hide it but sometimes I just can't. Paxil, Xanax, Prozax, Lexapro, Celexa, Lunesta, Ambien, Ondansantron... why are there so many x's? Does X mark the spot? Pop this pill and it'll cure all your woes! Well, they don't. they are just a dulling agent. Trust me, I've tried them all.

On the outside I'm young looking for my 32 years; Blonde hair, green eyes, perfect teeth (never braces) nice smile. I could probably lose 10 pounds but at 5'5" I'm fitting loosely into a size 8. Sure sounds great to be me, right? Well, sounds much better on paper when you have my self confidence. I love when I am asked "how can someone like you lack self confidence?" God I hate that question. Looks aren't everything and it's time for people to know that. I am a beautiful disaster and I fall apart every now and again.

Behind this fake smile is so many stories. So many mistakes, so many shames, so many regrets. I really and truly try to live in the present but my past does an amazing job of haunting me. 

And so I cope. The best way I know how.

Follow me to keep up with this story.... I've got it written, I've just got to find the voice to share it...