When I was 11 years old I went on a trip with my family. We were headed to my favorite Aunts house, my Aunt Karen. She lived in Maryland with my cousin Jay and boyfriend, Rick.
I loved Aunt Karen. She used to joke with my mother and say that I was meant to belong to her. She used to tell me I was perfect and I should be hers. She used to make me feel so damn loved. I never got stuff like that from my own parents. Being one of four children, I guess they really couldn't say stuff like that to any of us... that would be playing favorites and good parents don't play favorites. They love all their children just the same.
So we were at Aunt Karen's for the weekend. It was summer and she had a great big yard with a great big pool. We swam and played all day. It was exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.
Rick and my dad cooked hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill. It's funny to watch them together because my dad thinks Rick is so obnoxious. And he is. But Rick sees how my Aunt Karen loves me and he gives me the same special treatments she does.
After dinner we all gathered around the picnic table outside. The adults started enjoy some spirits, I'm sure they'd been enjoying them all day but this is the first time I noticed. I thought I was so grown up because all the other kids went down in the basement to play games but I chose to stay up and hang out with the adults. I was way too mature for kid stuff.
I was sitting next to Rick. The whole time we were sitting down he had his arm around my shoulders. I didn't mind this. He loved me and I was his favorite. He kept rubbing my arm right above my elbow. Over and over and over. It just felt... bad. Sore but not quite sore. It's hard to explain. I didn't like it but didn't want to be sent to bed.
Finally I had got up to use the bathroom. I had to pee so bad, I had held it for quite some time not wanting to lose my spot at the table.
When I came out of the bathroom Rick was outside the door waiting for me. He said he wanted to show me a painting in the bedroom, he said he knew I liked art and he thought I'd enjoy it and he wanted my opinion of it. I didn't want to go but he guided me anyways shutting the door behind me. He pointed to the wall and showed me a painting... it was one of those generic flower paintings you buy at Wal-Mart. I was not impressed and I really wanted to get out of the room but at the same time I was trying to act mature.
The lights were off and the only light was coming through the blinds covering the sliding door, Rick said you could see something in the painting if you had just the right light. He told me to move up and look closely. At this point Rick came up behind me and started kissing my neck. I immediately told him I had to go, that my parents would be looking for me and I ran out of the room. What the hell just happened??? Whatever it was I DID NOT like it and I felt awfully dirty. Aunt Karen was going to be so mad.
I went outside and got my mom and asked her to tuck me in bed. As she was tucking me I burst into tears. I told her what had just happened. She didn't believe me. She said I was over reacting and said that was just Rick being Rick. I cried a bit more but was so hurt by my mothers reaction. She tucked me in and left me alone. All the other kids were still downstairs playing.
About a minute or two later Rick appeared in the bedroom. I was terrified.
Rick said my mom had told him what I had said. How could she?? That was our secret!!
Rick wanted to explain that that's not what happened. That I was confused and he was just trying to be nice to me. He got mad at me and told me that if that's how I was going to act when he's nice to me he was just going to be mean going forward. I had nothing to say to him. I couldn't even look at him. I did not want to be in the same room with him. Ever again.
I felt betrayal for the first time in my life... but surely not the last.
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