Chapter 4: 2 months ago

A glimpse into my fucked up mind... ready...
I got married 2 months ago.

Two months to the day.

It has been a bumpy start, but then again our whole relationship started out bumpy. I now have three step daughters,  all teenagers. That has been quite the tumultuous relationship. 

We had a two and a half year engagement. We've been together for almost six years.

Two months ago was a very happy day. All three girls were my bridesmaids. Our relationship was as good as it's ever been. And then the day after it seemed to all change. I don't know what changed but I'm damn near positive it had to do with someone squawking in their ear about how happy their father is and how someone is SO glad they had fun at their father's wedding. 

The day after the wedding my husband, Seth,  and I were running errands. We were leaving for Europe the next day and my step daughter was supposed to watch the house and the dogs. Seth was texting back and forth with Carissa and got frustrated.

"Just call Eliza and figure it out please" Seth texts to her
"I don't want to talk to ELIZA!" was Carissa's response. 

I was reading over his shoulder like a bad girl, like I always do, and didn't say anything because Seth would know I was reading over his shoulder.
Later that night it was still bothering me so I finally asked him why she didn't want to talk to me. He replied he had no idea and thought we had gotten into an argument. We hadn't and so I decided to text Carissa myself.

"Hey Cariss, did you girls have fun at the wedding??"
"Yea!!! It was SO much fun :) :) :)"
"That's good I'm glad to hear that! Then is there some reason you didn't want to talk to me?"
"Oh, that..."
"Sorry, I was bad and was reading over your dad's shoulder. He didn't tell me."
"It's complicated. It's hard to explain, I don't know what to say."
"Listen, I know this is hard and it's hard to realize that your mom and dad are really over but I promise you your mom will be happy at some point. I'll always be here to talk if you need anything. I will try to get along better with your mother if that makes it easier for you"
"Thanks, I appreciate that."

And that was the end of it. And really the end of any relationship she and I had formed. She had gone from texting or snap chatting me every day to... silence. No longer a part of her life I guess.

So I have a drink. Then another. Seth and I have drinks and watch a movie. But then I have this urge to have a cigarette so I tell Seth that over the last two months I've been sneaking smoke breaks when I drink.
He FLIPS and almost leaves but thinks twice about driving after having three drinks. So I decide fuck you, I'm going to leave then. So I grab the bottle of whiskey, my phone, keys, and I'm gone. I drove up the street to cumby's and call my friend Alice.  She meets up with me and tries to calm me down. We go to the beach and talk, I smoke cigarette's like a chimney, and drink my whiskey. She drinks coffee and tries to calm me down. I'm so angry at so much more then I was originally. Finally she convinces me to go home, she drives me home. I go to bed and wake up, the day we are leaving on our honeymoon, hungover with puffy cried out eyes and a husband telling me he thought about getting an annulment because that's how crazy I had behaved the night before.
We talk, kiss and make up but I still feel like such an ass hole. Way to kick off your marriage Eliza... way to go.

It's really hard to be 32 years old married to a 42 year old who has three teenage daughters with a disgruntled ex-wife. I don't know what to think, what to say, how to act. I don't know up from down sometimes. My feelings get so hurt just because I want to show them that I am there for them and I support them. Them being my stepdaughters. Seth tells me not to take it to heart that they do the same thing to him... but I can't accept that.
I have so many God damn emotions that I have no idea if I even have a right to have. I am so confused all the time and my mind goes on swimming and swimming and swimming. I keep thinking it's going to get easier but it doesn't. And  so when I'm home alone and stuck with myself inside my head with all these fucking emotions I need to shut them the fuck up. So I have a whiskey and coke. Just one, it's always just one... and then two... three.... four.
Then I wake up with my body aching at 5 a.m. tossing and turning from all the caffeine and carbs and nothing is solved. Then I look at my phone and delete all the messages I sent that only ever make things so much worse. And I hate myself. So I end up blaming myself for all these horrible crazy confusing emotions I felt the day before because this is what I do.