Going from Catholic School to public school my freshman year in high school was not an easy task. Nobody knew me and I didn't know anybody.
At this point I had only ever kissed 1 boy, he was a French foreign exchange student named Loic. Let me tell you, just because they are French does NOT in any way make them a good kisser! But what did I know then?
I went from wearing a uniform everyday to wearing whatever I wanted. Honestly, the uniform thing is so much easier! Being a lost and confused 15 year old trying to figure out who I was and dress that part was awful. I had no idea who I wanted to be.
All the boys were very interested in the quiet new girl. One freshman on the football team took a liking to me. We started 'going out.' Then one night he invited me to a party and told me he was very excited to take me there because they had this couch in another room and we could have some alone time.
I freaked out! What kind of girl do you think I am!? You think you can just bring me to a party, get me drunk, and take me to a couch!?
I ended it with him. And also got a reputation as a prude...
The year went on and I fell in with the "bad" kids. My friend Carla hung out with them and so I did too. They were all seniors. Carla was a sophomore and I was a freshman. One of the boys, Jared, asked me if I would be his girlfriend. This was so exciting! Jared was super cool, if Bad Boys could be cool. He had the cool parents with the party house. Everyone always seemed to be over his house. So we started dating. Day drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes. I was super cool.
One day we were sitting in Jared's room with two other people talking about drugs. One of the girls asked me if I ever tripped. I said yes, last summer with my cousin. She asked me if I dropped acid or if I took shrooms... I told her I smoked it. I had no idea what tripping was. I thought it was another term for getting high. They all had a good laugh at my expense. As if I didn't feel like an outsider already now I was the girl who desperately tried to fit in by lying about what she had and hadn't done.
It gets worse.... So like I said, I had only ever kissed a boy. Jared was 17. I was 15. He wanted a lot more then I was ready for and I was hesitant to say no. I didn't want to seem like a loser.
We were in his bedroom one day making out when he took off his pants. I was more than freaking out. How was I getting myself out of this. He then grabbed my head and shoved it down. I had heard of a blow job but had no idea what it was! But like it sounds, I figured I had to blow. So I literally blew... on the tip. Never touched it, just breathed on it. His sister walked in on us. I asked to be taken home. I was mortified. He broke up with me shortly after I told him I wasn't ready for any of this.
I stopped hanging out with the bad kids and went back to hanging out with my neighbor Erica and her friends.
Right before school was let out for the summer I got this major crush on a boy, Chace. He was in Erica's Spanish class and I had study for that class so I would do more then the normal bathroom trips past the room waving and whispering to Erica, trying to get a glance at Chace. He took notice and approached me one day to ask if I wanted to hang out that weekend.
He was my first love. We would talk on the phone all night until the sun came up. We would fall asleep on the phone just so neither of us would have to hang up. He was IT. I spent the whole summer with him. His mother even took us to a concert in Western Mass where we had to stay overnight!
Even then, I wasn't ready to have sex. We did other things but I refused to have sex. It was sacred to me. He even tried the if you love me you will card. He tired the my ex girlfriend and I had sex card. I wouldn't give in.
Then one day right before school started back up Chace called me. Apparently he had run into Jared's sister and they started discussing me. She told Chace that one day she walked in on me and Jared having sex.... I told him it wasn't true that I had never had sex before. He called me a liar and a cock tease. He told me I probably had an STD from Jared and then told me he never wanted to talk to me or see me again. How could I sleep with Jared and not him. He didn't believe me. I was devastated.
I cried in my room all that day. Not only did I lose the love of my life I also could have an STD!? I was freaking out. Can you get an STD from a blow job?? Did I even do it right? Can you get an STD just from kissing someone? I was in panic mode. Hysterical. My mom came in to see what was wrong and I told her everything. She consoled me about my broken heart and assured me you cannot get an STD from oral sex. (Thanks mom.)
I felt like a worthless piece of shit. Why didn't anybody want me? Why did it have to be all about sex?
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