Chapter 40... stress makes you sick

I just got my results from my blood work....
High cortisol Levels, low b12 levels, and a UTI.
Now I have to go back for more blood work and see a urologist.
I have my sleep study scheduled for tomorrow night.

Two days later...

Have you ever tried to sleep attached to 47 wires? On your head, arms, feet, across your chest...
I have no idea how this sleep study could give any results! I got hardly any sleep. I had to take 2 lunesta's and 3 melatonin just to doze off for an hour and wake up having to pee!
I was in a room, set up just like a bedroom. When I needed anything I just had to say "Hello!" so now having to pee, being disoriented, I wake and call out "Hello, is there anyone there!"
A voice comes over the intercome, "Yes..."
"I gotta pee..."
"One minute."
And then the woman comes in, grabs my wires and throws them around my neck and I have to walk to the bathroom carrying all my wires, groggy from all my pills, blinded from the light in the hall way, and sit down to pee while trying to keep the wires out of the way.
That takes talent.
I was woken up at 5am, wires removed, and sent home. I went straight to bed.
That was awful

Three days later...

I feel like I have gone crazy.
I'm not used to going to so many doctors.
Usually I just let myself be sick.
I feel like a hypochondriac.
Look at me,  Within the last two weeks I have had 14 vials of blood taken, I've gone for a sleep study, and today I just called to make another doctors appointment.
Ever since the sleep study I have had this awful migraine.
Shooting pain starting to the left of my right eye ball and moving right down the whole half of my head, if that makes any sense. It sits right in the back of my head, like it pooled overnight and is just waiting to burst through my brain.
It feels like my head is imploding.
I can't focus.
I'm freezing.
I'm nauseous.
I can't keep my eyes open.
I can't keep them shut.
If I shut my eyes I can still see the light. I can see the image of my pupil dilate and with every dilation comes this tearing white pain.
What the hell is going on with me??
I have no energy, like zero.
I am 150% exhausted. It takes all I have to even keep my eyes open past 7:30pm.
Last night I got this terrible chill I could not shake. I took my temperature and it was 96.6 degrees. I thought you would be hot if you had a low temperature....
I ran a scalding hot bath and jumped in trying to shake this chill.
I had to refill the bath with hot water twice because the water went luke warm and I was still shivering. I stayed in there for over an hour.
After I got out I felt a little bit better but that didn't last long.
I was able to stay up for about an hour and then I tucked into bed and watched House of Cards for a couple hours.
My headaches was back so I watched with one eye open while putting pressure on the right side of my head.

Stress really does make you sick.

Chapter 39: Stress takes it's toll

After some deep consideration I have decided that I am just taking a couple days off from work.
I'm still looking for another job and quitting but I don't want to go out with them knowing they got to me.

I went to my doctor today.
I love her.
I have never had such a great doctor.
I've been seeing her for just about 2 years and she just has a way about her. I can talk to her about anything.  I have been suffering through a pretty nasty cold thing so she gave me some medicine for that.

I then started talking to her about how I've been feeling lately.
I had done a web search to try to figure out why I'm so exhausted and achy all the time and read about adrenal fatigue.
When I mentioned this to her she didn't make me feel silly or disregard me, she said it's possible and schedule me to have blood work done tomorrow morning.
I guess 8am is the only time of day they can take the blood to check my cortisol and Vitamin B levels so I have a nice early appointment.
She then asked me if I snore, when I said yes she checked my throat again and announced she it fairly certain I have sleep apnea.
She then goes on to explain that I have a very crowed throat (is that a technical term?) and tells me sleep apnea is a disorder where everything basically get's in the way while I'm sleeping and I stop breathing for about 20 seconds. When this happens my brain sends a signal that cause me to jerk and basically jump start my breathing. She looks at my chart quickly and shakes her head, almost laughing at herself, and says "I can't believe I hadn't seen this all along. Sleep apnea would cause all of this."

So blood work and a sleep study will be in my future.  We shall see.
Stress can seriously damage you.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired because of stress. I just want to feel... Good. I can't remember the last time I felt good and that's pretty messed up.

Chapter 38... the slip up

Today would have been day 80. Drink free.

Unfortunately that is not the case. I allowed myself to have a drink. Three drinks to be exact. Three whiskey and diet cokes.
Don't shake your head at me. I needed a hole to hide in so with my husband by my side I decided I was going to have three drinks tonight.

Have you ever had salt rubbed in a cut? Like literally gotten salt in a teeny tiny paper cut?
That shit stings like crazy!!!
That's what happened to me today.
My job had cut me wide open with the whole store manager thing.
But I still had this last little bit of hope that we would be going to Block Island.
This would give us three more years with the company and three years to figure out what I am going to do with my life.

I know I've said that I'm done with this company many times but I have dedicated almost 50% of my life to them.
I had to give them one last chance. Shame on me.

Now remember, back in November I was approached by George, the district manager for Block Island. He told me plain as day, if you want the Island, it's yours. We'll get you out there in two weeks. I was waiting to hear back from the other job (the one that strung me along for 5 months and ended up not picking me) so I had told him I would get back to him.

In January Seth and I went and interviewed for the position on Block Island. A couple weeks late I ran into George in one of the stores. He asked me when the lease was up on my house and told me that Seth and I need to get out and visit Block Island as soon as possible. There was urgency in his voice. And so we did. I wrote to George telling him we loved it and that we look forward to hearing back from him.

About a week ago Seth and I received an email invitation to meet in Marston's Mills to hear the verdict. Marston's Mills is about an hour and a half away from us. We figured we would be offered a contract and that's why we had to go all the way down there.
Boy were we wrong.

My meeting was at 1p Seth's was scheduled for 1:30p. We got there at about 12:45 and headed inside. George came out and said hello and invited me into the office. He was in there with his HR rep. We small talked for about 2 minutes about the weather and a thunderstorm that had happened the night before. Then the conversation goes like this:



April from HR "So how was your drive down here?"

"It was long, this is quite out of the way but hey I'm here."

"Yea..." George and April exchange an awkward look "So when we had first started talking we had two spots available and now there's only one so unfortunately we won't be needing you or Seth."

I have this dumbfounding look on my face.
Jaw dropped white as a ghost are you fucking kidding me look.

April starts saying, "We expect two spots to be open in November so you can try for it..."

I cut her off "No we will not be trying for it again. Thank you."

I get up grab my stuff and turn to leave. As I get to the door I turn and say "Seth will not be needing to come in here, I doubt he cares..."

George cuts me off and tries to turn it on me, "Oh so he doesn't care..."

I cut him off "No George, don't even.  He cares. I care. A phone call would have sufficed instead of having us drive all the way out here."

April says, "We wanted to tell you face to face."

I chuckle, "Thank you, that was very kind of you."

I then make my exit and tell Seth let's go we're leaving.
He's so confused right now.
He says "What, they don't want to talk to me??"
I tell him, "You can go in there and talk to them but the answer is no and I'm leaving."

I get to the car and the flood gates open.
 Who do these people think they are?
How far are they trying to push me?
Are they trying to get me to quit? Because they just insured that I will be quitting.

Seth is sitting there just watching me cry trying to figure out the right thing to say but there isn't anything he can say.
He then decides he wants to go speak to them so he leaves me be and goes inside.
I take this time to call my doctor and make an appointment for Friday.
I need some time off to figure things out.

Seth returns about a half hour later. I look up and he's walking towards the car with this pissed off expression on his face.
His hands are clenched in fists and he is walking with a purpose.
When he gets in the car I ask him how it went.
Can you believe they never even opened the door to speak to him? He spent a half hour waiting outside the office while they sat behind a closed door and ignored his knocks.

After our hour and a half drive home we go out to lunch and talk about what just happened, well more like what's going to happen.
I can't stay with this company any longer.
Not after what just happened. This is our lives and they just fuck with them for fun. I wonder if they laughed about it after we left.
I bet they did.

Now I have to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.
 Do you know how hard that is?

Have you ever been in a relationship that wasn't going very well at all but you stay because it's all you know?
You are so scared to break up with your significant other because for as long as you can remember it's been you and him. Life without him is terrifying and unknown.
So you stay. He treats you like shit, he makes you feel like shit, he makes you feel stupid and incompetent but then he says I love you and tells you how great you are and so you stay.
You deal with all the shit because it's all you've ever known.
You may try to break up with him, knowing it's the right thing for you, but you can't seem to get away.
You sacrifice for him, you change for him, you cater to him.
You basically give him all of you and get nothing in return.
Sometimes you feel absolutely crazy for trying so hard.
Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard!
Then one day you find out that he's been cheating on you and he no longer wants you. He leaves you and you're left all by yourself feeling so stupid for being so God damn naive, so fucking weak. It's heartbreaking, it's soul shattering.

That's how I feel.

So later that night as we are showering I tell Chris I'm going to have a couple drinks tonight. We're going to pretend like it's February 29th, a day that doesn't really exist and I'm going to forget all about it.

Chapter 37... When one door closes

It has been quite some time since I cried myself to sleep. Tonight I didn't let myself, I shed some tears and got up to sort out my thoughts.

My first thought was it has been 76 days and today I thought for sure I was going to have a  drink. As a matter of fact, when I left work today I pictured myself opening the bottle of wine that had been sitting on the counter since Christmas. Then I spoke to my husband and he said he was going to have some drinks tonight. At that point I could feel the whiskey burning away every shred of my miserable day.

Today started like any other. I was up before my alarm and checked my phone. I had a message from my brother calling me an asshole and telling me fuck you. Nice, real nice.
You see last night I was on Facebook and saw one of his many stupid ignorant posts. Typically I can ignore it but this one hit me right in the heart. It said something like "Trying to raise $3000 for Solar Share, a nonprofit that installs solar panels in countries that don't have electricity. If I can raise the $3k it gets (super awesome talented) me on the installation project!"
 So I simply commented "So you're not doing this out of the kindness of your heart or for these countries?"
 Simple question right? Are you doing this to help other countries or so you can travel the world on your companies dime? Needless to say he flipped out, so clearly he wasn't happy with me pointing out his obvious selfish intent. I went to reply to his message but he had blocked me already, no surprise there. So I carried on with getting ready for work.

I then proceeded to a meeting with HR and my district manager. I had been pushed to complete a store manager assessment. Basically my companies idea of interviewing you for a store manager spot. I don't want the job, it's what they want for me.

We sit down and I am told that I was rated "unqualified." Now, this shouldn't hurt because I didn't want the job anyways right? Wrong,  I am so pissed that I was pushed to apply for something that I didn't even want and then told no. Are you kidding me?

This leaves me with 4 doors closed in my face in the last 12 months. Every time I try for something they tell me I'm not good enough. So now the question I am stuck with is this.... why am I still with a company where I am clearly going no where, treated like a piece of shit, and made to feel worthless?

There is absolutely nothing for me in this company. Now I just need to really get over the fear of leaving and get the fuck away as fast and as far as possible.

I leave the meeting and drive to work and sit the the parking lot for about ten minutes and just cry. I have been made to feel so stupid. I feel so fooled. So very stupid. And I do not like feeling this way.

This got me thinking about what I want to do. I want to make people not feel like I have been made to feel!

I want to help people. The only time I have been happy in my position is when I'm able to mentor and help other people. I love helping people succeed. I love helping the community. I love every aspect about that.

Then I started thinking about who I know that love their job for those reasons and I came to my cousin Julie.
She absolutely loves her job. She is constantly talking about how rewarding it is. And that is what I want. I sent Julie a message asking if she had any openings at her company. She said yes and sent me a link, she told me to look them over and see what I liked and we could meet next week. She works for the May Institute helping kids with disabilities. From what I gather, she's kind of a big deal there so I might as well use my connections!
I check out what she's got to offer and explain what I'm looking for, maybe it'll be a match made in heaven.

Although, I am in hell so anything is a step up from here.

But enough talking about leaving this shitty company already, time for some action.

I then had lunch with my parents. They're office is right down the street from where I'm working. Seth was supposed to meet up with us but he had to pick up Ashley from school.  I try to talk to them about my brother, they don't want any part in it. I try to talk to them about my job. They tell me its time to quit but don't really care to get into it. All I want is some guidance, some thing, any thing! But this is my family, we don't go further than the tip of the iceberg.

I went back to work after lunch and called my old store manager. He gives me a pep talk. Tells me I'm not a quitter and I need to keep on keeping on. I feel a little better but still bummed out

I came home with a new purpose, find a new job and something that makes me happy. I broke a sweat and busted out some stress relieving moves during my dance video and watched a movie with Seth and Ashley. Seth had drinks... I didn't.

Chapter 36... No Bullshit

Melissa had turned 18 years old on Wednesday. Can you imagine that I have not one, but two step daughters over the age of 18? This is crazy!

Luckily things have been better with Melissa. Ever since I reached out to Pamela and started communicating with her. Guess she doesn't have anything bad to say about me when I'm the only person who communicates with her!

I decided that we would take the girls out to a Murder Mystery Dinner and I invited Pamela. She accepted.

If you would have told me even 6 months ago that I would be inviting Pamela to dinner I would have laughed at you! With age comes maturity though...

It was about -6 degrees tonight. Just a little bit cold... We got to Pamela's house around 5:30p to meet up with everyone. Carissa couldn't make it, she told me she was booked for the whole month, so it was myself, Seth, Ashley, Melissa, her BFF Allie, and Pamela. We had to take two cars so Seth and I were driving up with Melissa and Allie, Pamela and Ashley were following in her car.

Seth had gotten the three girls flowers for Valentine's Day so we were going inside. The walk to the front door wasn't shoveled so we ad to go through the garage. This led into, Pamela's bedroom. A bit awkward but hey why not? As we enter, Pamela is downstairs getting ready. Her room is a bit disorderly, bed unmade, clothes laying all about, but no surprise there.  She doesn't strike me as the most organized person... Seth moves to go upstairs and Pamela's calls for me. She wants my opinion on what she's wearing. She had already texted me earlier asking me what I was wearing. i told her a skirt, sweater, and heels. And so I was wearing a skirt, sweater, and heels.

She asks me, "Tell me the truth, do I look like a heffalump!???" She was wearing leggings, knee high boots, and a shawl like top. She didn't look bad in it so I said, You look fine."

She then gasps and say, "Please tell me you're old enough to know what a Heffalump is!"

I roll my eyes, "Yes Pamela, I know what a Heffalump is." At this point I consider telling her she in fact does look like one and nothing she wears is going to change that but I play nice. I tell her, "You look fine. Are you comfortable? Because that's what matters. If you're not comfortable then change." And I walk upstairs.

We get to dinner and are sat at a table with two other couples. I am on one side and Pamela is directly across from me.  We have the strange couples on our sides. I strike up a conversation with them but keep it casual. Pamela asks the same questions to each of them... typical questions, "Do you have kids?" "How old are they?" "Where are you from?" "What do you do?"

I don't ever ask these questions because I don't care. I'm not here to make small talk with strangers I'm here to celebrate Melissa's birthday. Although, I never was very good at small talk. I will answer questions if they're asked but I never care to find out about these people I will never see again. I don't need to find 'common ground' to have conversations with people. I usually just stick with what's going on around us. We are at a Murder Mystery dinner after all. There is plenty to talk about without having to get to know these people.

They have a mugshot photo set set up so we all go over to get our pictures taken. Pamela doesn't want a part of it so she stays at the table. Guess she didn't want to look like a heffalump in the picture...

Then after dinner was served the show starts. This involves us getting up and asking questions to the 'suspects.' ME and the girl to my right jump right up ready to go. Nobody else moves. I say "Come on girls, Melissa it's your birthday let's go. I follow your lead!" Pamela says she'll stay at the table and watch the purses. After that nobody moves. They all look at each other wondering what to do. I roll my eyes, again, grab Seth, and say "Ok, I did not pay for you all to sit and watch teh purses get up and let's go figure out who the murderer is. Melissa, Ashley, Allie out of your seats let's go!" And I take off. Surprisingly they all follow. All but Pamela. She's babysitting the purses....

The girl that was sitting next to me was really into it and so was I. This got the girls really into it. Allie was actually pretty good at tit. Ashley and Melissa were just having fun piecing things together. Seth and I took  the lead with interrogating the suspects. When it as time to put in our guess we ended up guessing correctly. It was fun. I just wish Pamela wasn't such a lump on a log.. but it gave me this sense of empowerment that I hadn't had before. She really is boring. I am fun. Yay for me.

All the girls left with Pamela so Seth and I drove home alone. As we are driving I ask him, "Is Pamela always like that?" He says "Like what? Debbie downer? Party killer? Yep that's her." I can't help but chuckle at this. Good to know.

Chapter 35: Awkward....

It was Saturday night and Seth and I went over to his sisters house. I guess she wasn't expecting us, her husband forgot to tell her he had invited us over. She was shocked... borderline mortified that she wasn't expecting us and hadn't had a chance to clean... I tried to tell her not to worry, we're not going to judge her for having toys laying around but she still seemed so uncomfortable.

We made our way in and I went and posted up in the living room. I had asked Seth to stop at Dunkin' Donuts so I could get a coffee. I've realized if you have a drink of any sort in your hand people don't try to push you to have a drink.

Seth had just stopped at the liquor store and picked up a bottle of Kilbeggins Whiskey. We had toured the Kilbeggins  distillery when we were in Ireland on our honeymoon. It's one of the best whiskeys we've ever had. Very smooth, not too smokey, very strong... all in all delicious.

Seth made himself a drink and we started to relax.

A couple hours later I had finished my coffee.
It was almost like his sister was waiting for me to finish. After I took my last sip she immediately asked "Do you want a glass of wine!?"
It almost seemed like she was begging me to have a drink with her. I declined. She asked a couple more times through out the night. I finally asked her if I could just have a coke zero.

It's funny how people act once you decide to stop drinking.
If I had never been a drinker it wouldn't be a problem but now that I have CHOSEN to stop drinking, it seems as though people feel guilty... I don't know if guilty is the word... it almost seems like they feel ashamed... yes, ashamed that they are drinking.
Especially after I say it's been over two months since I've had a drink. Almost always the reaction is "Wow, I couldn't do that... why??" And then I have to explain why I don't want to drink...I don't want to say I can't have a drink because one drink always turns into one too many. I don't want to say I have a  problem, I don't know if I have a problem.  I just don't want to feel like shit. Drinking has never done a single good thing for me.

I've just been telling people I'm trying to get in to shape.
I'm trying to be healthy. That seems to placate them, but I still get the sideways glances like there's some big secret I'm hiding.
It's no secret it's just I don't want to poison myself and I don't want to make you feel guilty or ashamed for wanting to drink.

So after several hours I decided it was time to go. Seth had started speaking in slurs and mumbles. His sister and her husband started getting droopy eyes and bickering back and forth.
It's always awkward to see couples bickering and I was glad it wasn't Seth and I this time... another good think about not drinking.

I drove home and Seth stumbled inside. He's an amusing drunk, he gets very lovey dovey. So he proclaimed his love for me for about an hour and we went to bed.

The next day was Super Bowl Sunday. We had plans to go to our friends house, Keith and Maddy.

We headed over there around 5:30pm. Tonight Seth was not drinking, he was still recovering from the night before.
The second we walked in Keith and Maddy asked us what we wanted to drink. Again, I had to explain why I was't drinking. Seth used the excuse that he had to work in the morning and had had too much to drink last night.

Keith and Maddy felt very awkward. Maddy stated several times that she couldn't believe neither of us were drinking.
It's not like conversation was awkward, we were having a good time... After the third time I was a little annoyed by it and then I realized I had been in their shoes on more than one occasion.

I hated when I was drinking and other people weren't. Nobody wants to be the only drunk person. And nobody wants to be the drunkest person. If we were drinking it would be less obvious to tell who was drunk. No one would have to feel guilty or ashamed for numbing themselves. Misery loves company as much as a drunk loves another drunk.

We decided to leave at half time, not because of the pressure to drink just because we had planned on leaving at half time. As we were getting ready to leave Maddy and I were talking about planning a vacation together this spring. She told us they had one condition, Seth and I had to drink with them... I just smiled and said yea sure.

And that is why I will always have a bottle of cranberry juice handy... they can think I'm drinking and no one has to feel bad.

PART II Chapter 34: This world we live in

Everyday I get more and more disappointed at the world we live in; well more the the world a majority of us a terrified to live in.
This world we live in has been created by an inundation of media outlets and the problem is people take the opinions of these people and corporations as truths.

Since when is someone's opinion supposed to be my truth??

And since when has it been OK for people to be so self absorbed?? If I'm not mistaken, vanity is one of the seven deadly sins.


Just today I saw a post on Facebook, because everything on Facebook is true, that said "so done with being nice and not getting it on return."

 Maybe we should just stop expecting it in return. Maybe if we didn't expect it returned and just did it for the simple sake of being nice we would all be a hell of a lot happier. Instead of what can you do for me, maybe we should all think how can I make today better? But we don't think like that. Being nice is frowned upon. Mean hearted self-absorption is rewarded. Just drive down the highway ad look at the billboards, turn on your TV and watch the commercials. You see lawyers EVERYWHERE. You slipped and fell, let's sue someone. You were in a car accident, let's sue someone. Your loved one dies, let's sue someone. It's a reward based society based on hurting those who hurt us.... or finding someone to blame. People are terrified of being blamed because of this. And thus comes an attitude of self absorbed herds.


I was in Subway yesterday. It was around noon so it was busy. There were 3 people behind the counter, one wearing "manager" on his badge.

As I stood in line patiently I noticed this soft spoken girl in front of me and as she quietly ordered her 6" meatball sub with American cheese I wished her some confidence to say her order loud enough for the clerk to here. I felt empathy for her... an emotion that doesn't exist now a days...and on the line moved.

I placed my order and waited... double chopped chicken salad please, heat the chicken! I moved up and tuned out my surroundings. I was lost in my own thoughts when I heard the clerk call out, "Six inch meatball! Meatball! Who had the meatball!"

 The soft spoken girls order was up to be paid for but she wasn't approaching. As they called her order again I glanced up jarred out of my own thoughts and saw she was holding on to the soda machine and at first looked a little panicked. I thought she just didn't hear them or was too shy to approach and claim her order.

 They called her order again and then all three clerks stopped what they were doing and exclaimed "what's wrong with her."

 I, along with the entire restaurant looked up and saw something was definitely not right. She was clinging to the handle of the soda cooler with hide eyes. Her lips were trembling and she was twitching slightly.

There were three people between me and her. All backed away from her like she was going to explode. One father grabbed his two children and hugged them away from her. She looked totally freaked out.  I recognized she was having a mild seizure. I told the clerk to put her order aside and I rushed over to her and touched her arm asked her if she was OK. She nodded yes. I asked if she was having a seizure. She nodded yes.  she wasn't verbally responsive at first but was still standing and answering in head nods so I kept talking to her about my dog who has seizures and I went on about him in a calm smooth voice.

After a minute she said yes it was a seizure she sometimes gets from the lights and that she just wanted to get her sandwich and go home. Because I had stood between her and everyone else she was blocked from their stares and whispers and was able to regain her composure. I let her be and took my place in line. She quickly paid for her sub and rushed out embarrassed. I didn't do this for applause or appreciation. I did it because another human needed help and in a society where everyone is constantly ASKING for help, I gave it to someone who needed it, someone who would never have asked for help, because we all know no one else in that restaurant was going to.

When I took my place in line the woman behind me tried to talk to me about her, "what happened, oh my God that was scary!" I just smiled and thought, scary for who? Scary that you might have had to of been inconvenienced at Subway by a medical emergency that happens everywhere everyday. The woman kept talking though, finally I just said "She just needed a minute and didn't need everyone staring and pointing at her. It happens" And I paid for my salad and left.



********

It has been 61 days since I last had a drink.

I started a new workout regiment. It seems like I'm always looking for something new! This one is a dance video called "Cize." And man, I cannot dance! It's hilarious. Yesterday while I Was dancing a new routine I was laughing at myself and my lack of coordination. But I was doing it! And I am not going to give up regardless of how awful I am!

I still get so restless. We had a pretty bad snow storm yesterday. I have been put on a new assignment for work hiring Temporary Replacement Workers aka Scabs. Basically I set at a conference center and wait for people to come in and apply to work in the case of a strike. No one is coming in. I have spent he last 2 weeks reading, walking circles, doing laps around the building, trying to converse with the other two ladies with me, trying to find new topics to talk about. Doing a whole lot of nothing, but hey I'm getting paid to do nothing so who am I to complain.

I'm the head of this project so I drove the 10 miles down the road in the middle of the snowstorm to open the hiring center.  The roads were awful. The snow came down fast and wet. The streets were coated with a slushy mess. It took me a half hour to drive the ten minutes it normally takes me. White knuckled, slow, and steady. I am not rushing to get in to this place, and who in their right mind would come out in this weather to apply for a position that they will most likely never end up working anyways!

When I got in I set up my laptop and turned to channel 12 news. I let that stream in the background as I cranked up the heat, pulled my boots off, and curled up in one of the big cozy office chairs with my book. I was facing the window so had a perfect view of the piling snow and my car slowly disappearing under the white blanket.

About a half hour later Seth texted me that our house had lost power, he was heading out to work early. Well, good thing I'm here safe and sound with power. I got lost in my book. I went for a walk a couple of times just to get some steps in. Up and down the stairs, up and down and up and down. After about two more hours I settled in again. It was getting pretty bad outside.
My cell phone started buzzing and I saw it was my HR command center. They said the roads were getting terrible and they wanted everyone to pack up and head home. So much for safe, warm, and cozy.

I put my boots back on, bundled up and hurried out to start the task of clearing off my car. I had been plowed in... great. Luckily I had parked with this in mind. I got in my car and rolled forwards and backwards a few times and my car shot out, fishtailed slightly, and off I went.

The roads had gotten even worse. And now my gloves were soaked, my hat was soaked, I was cold. I was wet. My heat was cranked up but my body heat, the car heat, and the moisture coming off of me was fogging up the windows. All I could think was, this is going to take a while.

Finally after a half hour I got to my street... tires spinning on top of the snow and slush. Just a little bit further! Then I came to a downed wire with a police cruiser blocking my path. I could see my house.... I had to back track and go around. Why didn't I just stay and wait a little bit longer at the hiring center... I pulled a u-turn and headed back the way I came. I took a right at the upcoming intersection and headed down the back roads. The very messy hardly plowed back roads.

The sight was unbelievable.  It was like a winter wonderland. Everything was white. The sky, the trees, the ground. The trees were all bent with the heavy snow and the world seemed to have turned black and white. I nearly pulled over to take a picture but then my car slipped and skidded and I thought better of that. I kept going trying to focus on my driving rather than the beauty I was surrounded by. It was so still. So peaceful. It was perfect.

I would have missed this if not for that downed wire.... I thought, everything really does happen for a reason.

I got home safe, the power was on, the dogs were happy to have my company and I still had my DVR full and half a book to finish.

Chapter 33: Then...Ambition=desperation?

I had an amazing year this past year at work.

Literally, I made a name for myself.
I feel like I finally came into myself and decided THIS IS WHAT I WANT.
When I decide that, you best not stand in my way!!!!

My district director praised me, my store manager adored me.
I made an impact. I moved numbers.
Everything I did seemed to have awesome results.
I felt like no time is better than the now so I applied for a job I was more than qualified for, just a bit above my pay grade. But hey the answer is always no if you don't ask!

I applied for an internal job.
I got a call back for a phone interview, and I and was psyched!!
Until I hear who it's with... a not so big fan of mine.
Oh well, better to make it through this interview then to not.
So I interview. Not gonna lie, it was not good.
I wasn't ready for some of the questions and I did not speak very well.

Not a big deal, lesson learned. I did not get called in for an interview but the best way to learn is by making mistakes.

A couple months later I'm doing even better and feeling even stronger so I apply for another position, same position as the previous just different department. I get a call back and am ready for the questions and now I have an actual interview.
I'm super psyched. And now I'm prepared. But the department I'm applying for, I don't have much experience with but I'm a quick learner.

I go into the interview and it's two people I don't know.
One from Human Resources, Rachel, one the regional department director, John.
So we go through the interview and I answer all their questions and I'm feeling good.
I did get caught up with one or two of the questions but I've learned to (as my now store manager recently told me) have the gift of gab.

I get a call a couple weeks later from the HR manager, Rachel, that was in the interview and she has not ONE bad thing to say. Rachel tells me the regional director, John, was absolutely impressed with my interview and how I handled myself.
She told me I interview exceptionally well and I know how to conduct myself.
But the job went to someone with more experience in the department.

I took this as a good thing.....

A couple weeks later I get an email from my HR manager, Alan. A job posted that no one was going for. It was along the buying side.
So I read the description and it's a temp position in the buying department but more along the lines of marketing and E-Commerce. I went to school for marketing and could hear my recently deceased professor saying GO FOR IT!!!!

So I did. And I got an interview and AGAIN I aced it. This time even more prepared then the last. I went in for the interview and it was a video conference with a guy named Jason. One of the people, Sal, didn't show up. No one knew where he was so we went on with the interview. I left feeling awesome about my interview. On the drive home my phone started ringing and it was the recruiter. She told me Sal was absolutely embarrassed he missed the interview and was told that he needs to meet me by Jason. She asks me if it's ok to give Sal  my number. I say yes.
About 20 minutes later my phone rings again and it's Sal. He wants to meet with me today but says he will come to me. I arrange a meeting time and place.
I sat down with Sal for over an hour. He asked me the same questions Jason had so I already knew what to say. I did amazing. Sal started talking to me about pay and location and working from home in extreme weather. I thought for sure I got the job but lo and behold I didn't get it.

I get a call from the recruiter. She tells me everyone was blown away with my interview and that I have such a bright future with the company. I'm told everyone was hands tied with the decision but it came down to me and the person they chose. She asks me if I have a mentor and I say yes. She asks me if I am involved with any 'female' mentoring circles. I say no. She suggests that I find a group of females that will assist me with getting a corporate position. I don't think anything of this at the time.

I take her feedback as a good sign.

I was then moved into a lateral position and training for 6 weeks.

So another position opens up for the first position I had applied for, the one I had the phone interview I bombed... so I went for that. I get a call from the HR rep that did the actual interview with me that gave me rave reviews and she tells me I wasn't selected again but hang in there and get through my training and keep my head up.

I get through training and move into my role. I'm there fore 8 weeks when the position I actually WANT opens up. I apply.....................................

Let me add that I have been very close with the person in this role, kind of shadowing them; Recently I was called in to cover off the back end of a meeting because she was sick and no one in the district was more qualified than me to run it; so I ran the back end of it.

MY human resource manager, Alan, whom I get along with very well comes to my store. He calls me into the office and says he got word I applied for this job. He then says I will not be interviewing for this job because I did not get the job I previously interviewed for. (let that sink in...............)

I say to him, that's fine I'm just going to keep on applying until they realize I'm what they want.

Ambitious, right? You would think so.

He says, "well that actually makes you look desperate and perhaps you should give it a rest."(Of course he says *hands in the air* that's not what I'm saying but others)
I say, "Since when is ambition seen as desperation Alan??"
He says, "I'm not saying to stop, I'm just saying to give it a rest. Focus on your training and focus on applying to be a store manager. Things will come in time. Just, stop being so ambitious..."

Thanks for defending me Alan. Apparently ambition is desperation

Apparently HR can stand in the way.

I went home that day and went for the last run I would go on.
When I got back from my run my phone rang. It was my store manager. He was yelling at e, "What did you say to Alan today!?"
I replied, "We were discussing a job I applied for, not that it's your business!"
He says, "Oh? Well apparently you made quite the impression. You got yourself transferred!"
I was transferred 57 miles away that day.
I haven't gone running since.  

Chapter 32: Now... break please!!

The pit is back. The empty nothing in my stomach. I guess it's comparable to a black hole.
It feels like it's sucking in everything around me.
Every event, every emotion, every word... everything just getting sucked into this pit of nothingness and sitting right smack in the middle of my stomach.
It makes me dizzy.
I can feel a weight holding my shoulders down.
I can actually feel it.
It makes breathing feel like a chore.
It feeds off of life.
It sucks the life out of me.
I just want to curl up into a ball and make it go away but curling up into a ball only makes it worse. This is my anxiety.
I don't even know where it came from or why it came here.
I just know it's here, and it wants me to know it's here and it is real.

Usually I'd have a drink to get rid of it. To feed it and make it quiet. But after 42 days I just can't do that...

*******

So much has been happening so fast lately. My whole world is spinning in circles.

At work I was transferred to another store, finally.
I got that news Monday.
I was being sent to the South end of New Bedford.
Closer to home but not that close, but hey anywhere is better then where I am.
On Tuesday I got word that I am not going to New Bedford I am going back to Pawtuckett.
Much closer to home but a very difficult store in the ghetto.
I was there for almost 3 years about 2 years ago.
I know the store and know the people that work there and I also know what to expect from the customers... the awful awful terrible customers.
Wednesday I get a call that I'm not going to be in Pawtuckett I'm going to go on special assignment to set up and run the hiring center in case of a strike... This will be for the next 3 months, Monday through Friday, right down the street from my house. I don't have a say in this.....

Unfortunately I have an interview set up with Harris Teeter in February and was going to take off 3 days and fly down to Virginia. So much for that idea.
It's like they KNOW.
I had to send an email to cancel.

On top of all this, I told my 14 year old step daughter Ashley, that I would take her to New York City for a girls weekend. That was this past weekend.
Ashley had stayed home from school on Friday sick and wasn't sure if she could go.
I had already made reservations at a hotel and it was well past 24 hours notice so I couldn't cancel so I had to scramble for a plan b.
Luckily my little sister Stacey was free and agreed to go if Ashley couldn't.
Miraculously she was better Saturday morning and so we went on our road trip.

It was a three and a half hour car ride and we were in New York by 3pm.
We were one block from Broadway.
Awesome location.
The whole car trip down we sang and danced and joked around, it was fun.
I think she was sick Friday from nerves. She wasn't sure how it would be going away with just me... this is the first time it's been just her and I and it was her first time going to New York City.
Lots of things a 14 year old can worry about.

Once we got checked in we hit the town. It was almost 60 degrees out in mid-January.
Couldn't have asked for better weather! The Patriot's were playing in the AFC championship game at 4:30p so there were (slightly) less people out then a typical Saturday.

We walked up times square, I wanted to take her to Madam Tussouds wax Museum.
As we were walking down the street, out of the hundreds of thousands of people, these two British guys come up behind us and start harassing her. Seriously!!?? Why am I always being tested!?

They were trying to take her hat off and saying they wanted to wear it. I had to transform into angry mama bear and basically told them to fuck off and threaten them with my pepper spray.

One of the Brits says "Oh, she was quite beautiful!" and the other replies "I wouldn't go that far..." and they scamper off.

Ashley immediately says "I hate New York, I want to go back to the hotel" and she turns almost catatonic.
 I tell her "We are not going back, you can't let two idiots ruin our trip! They were probably just drunk. Let's go to the museum and if you still aren't having fun we'll go back. Ok?"
She says "Okay. Fine, Whatever. "

We get to the museum and the line is fairly long.
She is not happy.
She stands there and stares off into nothing.
I try to get her back to earth but she's not really responsive.
Then we get to the entrance and it's a picture spot with King Kong. She says "We are not doing that." I grab her and pull her into King Kong's oversized fist "Oh yes we are!!! Come on Ashley look scared!!"
She rolls her eyes at me and makes a cheesy face. Hey, whatever, at least she made a face... progress!

Then we get into the wax figures and she starts to loosen up a little more.
 I start snapping selfies left and right.
"Ashley, you need to get in some of these with me, people are gonna think I came here by myself!" And so she does.
Then we see Spongebob.
Enough said.
 "Oh my God, Spongebob!! This place is Awesome! I love New York!!"
 (Praise the Lord, there is a God!) Now she's back to herself.
We saw the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, the Spice Girls, Abe Lincoln. She got to stand with Frankenstein, Dracula, and the president. Now we're snapping pictures left and right. Thor is the one that sealed the deal. She threw her arms around him and her leg up in the air "My herooooo! Take my picture with Thor!!"
That's my girl.

At the end of the museum she was thanking me for such good time. She then asks if we can go back to the hotel and order room service. Sure, why not.

So we get back unharmed and she jumps in the shower. Only problem is the hotel we're in doesn't have room service.... hm, shoot. I tell her this and tell her she needs to get dress. There's an Irish Pub right next door we can go to.

After we sit down and order she asks me, "Did you hear what those guys said afterwards?"

I say, "What guys? The idiots from earlier?? They were just being stupid because I made them feel stupid Ashley."

"Yea but did you hear what they said??"

"What, about how 'she's so beautiful' and then the other saying 'no she's not'?? Ashley, did you see them? They were ugly!! Not us."

"No, one of them turned around and said 'Lumpy' to me. He called me fat."

"I don't think that's what he said at all, if anything he probably called you lovey. Want me to go find them and beat them up?"

She laughs, "No, but that wasn't nice at all. I hate people."

"Me too Ashley, me too. But you know what I do love? Animals. Have you heard of the Central Park Zoo? It's right down the street."

"Oh my God we are so going to the zoo! I love the zoo! High five!!"

We high five. "So I hope you still plan on getting dessert with me because that Mississippi Mud pie looks TO DIE FOR! What do you say we take that to go, head back to the hotel, and watch stupid movies and tell ghost stories??"

"Yes!"

And so that's what we did.... It was a good time but my God while we were at dinner I was SO freaking tempted to have a drink, or two... I even had a battle in my head. No one would ever know. I can just have one drink. A really really strong drink. But you stopped drinking for you and you would know. I know but it's just one. I can have ONE drink I'm an adult after all. Is it ever just one drink? You're right. But it would totally help me get through this night. No. No, ok. No drink.... where's the dessert menu....

The next day we got up, had breakfast, and planned the day. The Central Park Zoo was 0.9 miles away. A 20 minute walk. It was colder today, about 35 degrees. I tell this to Ashley and tell her to dress warm. She comes out of the bathroom wearing sSperry topsiders with no socks.... Not exactly warm. She says she'll be fine.... ok, don't say I didn't warn you.....

The walk wasn't that bad. Less people today. Still just as many street peddlers trying to shove flyers in our face. I teach Ashley how to avoid them.
I tell her to just growl at them.
She thinks this is funny.
I growl at the next one.
She thinks it's even funnier. She didn't think I was being serious. Oh, I am.

Finally we see a Starbucks. Coffee! As we approach, two homeless men are outside. They start hollering at us. "Hey sisters, hey twin sisters! You two are beautiful twin sisters! You have a penny to spare!"

I smile and say "No, sorry." and we walk away.

Ashley says "That's funny they thought we were twin sisters." And she smiles to herself.
Hopefully that comment erases the idiot comment from the previous day.
I smile back and say "Come on sister let's head to the zoo!"

Chapter 31: Then...two broken people

It was 11pm on a Saturday.

I had just come back from a party and was in bed reading Pride Prejudice and Zombies.
I was so proud of myself that I hadn't drank.
That I didn't even want to.

 And now here I was at 11pm on a Saturday, in bed, reading, sober.

Suddenly my phone went off. It was a text message.
I figured it was someone from the party I had just left wondering where I went.

I glanced down and read a familiar number with no name attached and a text that said, "I miss you."

I had deleted Seth's number from my phone so I couldn't text or call him but I recognized the number.

I responded, "Is that you speaking or the scotch?"

"I've only had one glass, I miss you."

"If you miss me that much, call me tomorrow when you're not full of Johnny Blue."

"I'm not full of scotch, I'll call you tomorrow."

I had to work the next day 8-4p. I had started working Sunday mornings to give me a good excuse to not drink Saturday night.
My phone rang around 10am.
It was Seth.
I nervously answered. I wasn't sure what he had to say now that he was sober.
He talked like nothing was wrong and we hadn't broken up.

It caught me off guard.

I asked him "What do you want, I'm at work?"

He paused and then said "Guess this is a bad time to talk?"

I told him he could call me later and we would talk.
After I got out of work I went home.
I waited all afternoon with a knot in my stomach for him to call.
He never did.

Finally around 8pm I texted him, "Thanks for the call back... guess you really missed me."
He responded with "I've been busy with my kids."
We argued back and forth about why he didn't call me until finally he said "Forget I ever even texted you."

I was pissed! You don't just do that! You don't wait for someone to forget you and then come back into their lives and disappear just as quick! Who does that?

I called Seth.
He answered and I told him exactly what I thought about his midnight text messages and then his not calling me.
He told me I sounded so unexcited to talk to him that morning he'd figured I had moved on.
I said I hadn't.
He asked me who I was with the night before.
...I wasn't with anyone.
 He didn't believe me.
 I told him he didn't need to believe me, I told him I was done trying to convince people what the truth is, and got ready to hang up.

He asked me not to go. I waited.
He asked me if I would come over tomorrow so we could talk face to face.

I said yes.
We hung up and I felt.... excited.... excited at the possibility tomorrow would bring.

It was past 11pm and my phone rang again.

It was Seth, "Quick turn on the TV!! Osama's dead"

I flew to the living room to turn on the TV and saw Barack Obama say Osama Bin Laden was killed.
His body was dumped in the sea.

Seth said I was the first person he thought to call to share this with.

There was hope after all... two broken people healing one crack at a time.

Chapter 30: Now... what do I do?

Have you ever noticed how bright the stars are on a freezing cold night?

It's like you can't enjoy the beauty of the heavens without giving up something. That's how it feels anyway. Standing outside in nine degree weather and looking up at the sky thinking, "Wow, what a breathtaking view. Holy shit my nose is freezing off."

I wonder why that is.... I mean I know that it's cold so that means we are further from the sun. But it's the same stars above so has the sun moved away from us? If that were the case then the stars would have less light pollution and be able to shine their brightest.... but then again, we revolve around the sun. So do our stars revolve with us? I have no idea. No scientific approach to this, just thinking out loud.

With anything in this life, to gain something you have to give up something. That is one fact that is tried and true.

You want to be skinny, you have to give up eating awful foods.

You want to be smarter, you can't go out every night.

You want a different job, you lose the years you have already put in to your job. You lose security.

The grass is not always greener on the other side. We all want and want and want until we get what we want and discover it was never what we actually wanted.

I have run into this at this exact moment.

What do I do? Isn't there anyone that can just TELL me.

Tell me what to do!

My road at Go n Save has been very bumpy. This last 6 months has been terrible. But do I hate my job? Do I hate my company? Or do I just hate the store I'm in?

I don't know. I am so confused right now.

What do I do?

I just had my interview for Block Island, today is January 5th. Not exactly mid January like they had said. It was only to go through the motions. I know I'm a shoe in. But do I take it?

Is the grass going to be greener if I move to Virginia? Do I give up all my knowledge and connections to give ANOTHER retailer my time?

It's so easy to make a decision when you're angry. I'm not angry right now.

I'm so confused.

One thing that has been weighing on me is the kids. I know Seth wants to make me happy and he would do whatever it takes to help me get happy. But I feel like he's not telling me the truth. I keep asking him if he's ok with moving away from his daughters, his parents, his grandmother... he says yes. I don't believe it.

Then I have to ask myself, am I willing him to tell me he's not ok so it makes the decision easier?

I think that may be the case. I don't think I'm ok with moving away.

I don't know what to do.

****

This morning I woke up with a terrible pain in my stomach. I have been getting that a lot lately. The other day I went to walk into the house and was struck by this awful pain. It made my legs give out.

I got up to attend to my business and as I was in the bathroom I was overcome by tingles from head to toe followed by cold sweats and the fuzzy twinkling light vision. I thought I was going to pass out. It was scary. I was so cold. I finished up real quick and dragged myself back to bed. I slept for another half hour and woke up a little better. Just dizzy. I'm always so dizzy.

I don't think somethings wrong but at the same time I feel like I know something is wrong.  Every time I go to the doctor I just wait for the bad news. It hasn't come yet.

It's not right to feel this tired all the time. Tired and dizzy.

Maybe I can add hypochondriac to my list of ailments. Do they make a pill for that?

Chapter 29: Then... a light at the end

Seth and I were back together.
Life was great,  but I hadn't stopped drinking.
I tried, but, in true form, I got comfortable with my efforts to not drink and one drink turned into two turns into three... turns into every night.

The problem this time was not between Seth and I. We got along great. The problem this time was his ex-wife, Pamela.

Pamela was awful. She would call him at all hours of the day. She would text him constantly. She would drive by his house and just blow up his phone whenever I was there.

Whenever she called I would hear her refer to me as "she" and "her" and "the little girl."

You see, Seth is ten years older than me, so she was taking it exceptionally bad. I don't know if she had seen me by now but I'm sure with all the stalking she was doing she knew exactly what I looked like.

Seth also has three daughters.
He wasn't ready to introduce me to them.
He didn't want just any girl meeting his daughters.
I was ok with that. I understood.

Seth didn't tell his girls about me either.

Pamela did. She decided that she should tell them that Daddy has a new girlfriend...
I don't understand why any parent does this to their kids.
If their father doesn't think he's ready to tell his kids about his girlfriend, why does the mother feel the need to? What business is it of hers? To gain the upper hand and make it seem wrong?
When she packed up and left saying to him "I love you, but I'm not in love with you... you're going to make a great husband for someone else" she only meant unless he finds someone first? She's miserable so he has to be too and if he's not she'll make the kids hate him? Yep. Sounds about right.

Regardless of how they felt about the idea of me, they are still kids and they were curious about me. Seth asked me to send his two older daughters a friend request on Facebook.
I did.
Then I sent Carissa, his oldest daughter (she was 15) a message just saying hello. Just saying I'm not here to replace anyone and I'd like it if we could be friends.
She responded and we formed a friendship through Facebook messages.

Pamela did not like this.

After a couple of weeks we had decided to take a vacation together.
It was 7am on Saturday when Pamela started texting him.
Seth says to me "Pamela's on her way over, she asked what kind of coffee you like."

He actually told her how I take my coffee.

I told him to lock the door and don't answer it. He said "She has a key still."
I grabbed my stuff and left.
Fuck that. You don't just show up at 7 am at your ex-husbands house so you can talk with his new girlfriend. I didn't feel that I needed to have a 'sit' down with Mommy so she can set some ground rules.

I went home and went back to sleep... After chugging back a glass or two of wine. I was fired up. Seriously, who does that???

Later that afternoon I went back over to Seth's house. He told me he and her fought about me for about 3 hours. She told him the reason she left him, the reason she moved out and filed for a legal separation was because she expected him to come groveling back to her. She also said that she's been trying to get him back since then and how dare he just move on. And how dare I send HER daughters friend requests! What did he want, me to be girlfriends with them? Seth had asked her what she wanted me to be to her daughters? Their new mother? Or their friend? She didn't like that very much. She didn't like a lot of things.

After this, things were awful.

Pamela was sabotaging our relationship. I didn't know how to deal with it. He was a great guy but this was SO much. I drank. I'd go home and then show back up at 2 am drunk. I couldn't believe how crazy things were getting.

After about six months he left me this time.
He told me he had too much stress in his life and couldn't take my added stress.
This was after I showed up at 2am drunk and blubbering about how my ex was trying to get back together with me. I think I was trying to make him feel the way I was being made to feel.
Clearly that didn't work.

I cried the whole way home.
I tried to call Erica but she told me she'd have to call me back later. She didn't have time to talk to me. Great best friend...

I went home and drowned my sorrow.

I was as depressed as ever. I felt.... empty... alone... lost.

I physically could not get off the couch. I could not move.

I just wanted to sleep.
So I slept.
And slept.
And got up to let the dog out and have a cigarette and a glass of wine.
Then I slept and slept and slept some more.
My phone rang, I ignored it. I couldn't even gather up the energy to say "hello."
The hope I had every time it rang, and the deepening depression I had every time it wasn't Seth.
I have never been this low before.

It was April and it was about 90 degrees outside.
Unseasonably warm. I went outside.
I felt the sun on my face. And then something clicked... after about 5 days of being into my depression I got up.
I dusted myself off and threw away all the alcohol I had.
It finally made sense. I need to start taking care of myself.
I'm alone and I'm all I will ever have and I need me.
I deleted Seth's number from my phone.
I erased all the text messages between us.
I started exercising and taking care of my self.
I was... happier then I'd been in ages.

A week after my new found self preservation I went to my friends party with Erica, and DIDN'T drink!

Unfortunately, I was met with "oh I feel so awkward around you because your not drinking" and so on and so forth.

The last friends I had didn't want to be around me when I was drunk and didn't know how to act when I was sober.
So I accepted it and set on my way.
Erica and I had come to an impasse.
We stopped being friends.
I'd already lost everything else, might as well start new. It would have been nice to have someone, anyone, love me enough to slap me when I was being harmful and hug me when I was making the right decision. But I couldn't find that with these people.

I closed that chapter of my life and those characters never resurfaced.
I lost my self respect, I lost all my friends, I lost an amazing man, I lost my reputation, and on multiple occasions I should have lost my life. Lost is the imperative word, and the cause for every single thing that had gone wrong in my life can be boiled down to my demons. It is because of alcohol.

Too bad I don't learn quickly from my mistakes.

Chapter 28: Now...

I love being lied to.
Don't we all?

I mean, I don't love being lied to... I love making the liar squirm.
I get joy out of this... is that wrong?

My boss has been lying to me lately.... I have no idea why.
Stupid little lies.
Like, "Hey Earl, did you send that email to Frank or do I need to?"
"Yea I sent it."
And then 20 minutes later getting an email from Frank looking for what Earl said he sent. All it does is make him look bad, I was just trying to help.
Guess I really am still in high school.

The problem is, I know everything that goes on in this building so I kind of know when he's lying. I always make sure to ask the perfect question to make a liar feel like they've been caught. I must say after 32 years of reading people I certainly have learned the game of playing people....

All you have to do is pause, make a face like you're thinking, nod your head and just ask "Really...? Hmph" You can always throw a "That's weird" in there... but the big closer is to just say it and..... walk away.

It's so fun.

Usually I just have to do this with customers trying to scam me, I don't NORMALLY have to deal with my boss lying to my face but hey, it's 2016!!  

******

As the night goes on I keep myself busy. I always do. I'm never one to just sit still. I am not built for a desk job.

Around 8 p.m. I get my notification that I hit my 10,000 steps for the night so I head upstairs to have a cup of tea. I just bought  this peach detox. Trying to enhance this new healthy way of life.... I also started back up with my daily 15 minute yoga regiment yesterday. I went right for the big guns and did some warrior one and two, fists of fire, and some awful squat type thing that makes my glutes fire up. Like really on fire... but I digress!

I'm upstairs with my peach detox tea when my phone goes off... Facebook messenger. That's usually my mom so I take a minute. Finish what I'm typing, sip my tea and check the message.

It's not my mom...

It's Erica. My old best friend.

So random.

-Hi there! Are you working in Wareham? I heard Eliza being paged about an hour ago.

-LOL, yes been here since May.

- Well I thought I'd leave it to fate if I ran into you but felt the need to message you anyway. Then I saw Nicole's mom as I was checking out.... Maybe next time!! Happy New Year

So random.

I want to keep the conversation going because I actually do miss her but I don't. I had tried to reconnect with her about a year ago. And then two years prior to that but the conversation was just awkward and forced. Not to mention I was drunk... stupid drunk messages.

No more of those! 28 days since the last binge and honestly, I really don't miss it. I'm actually starting to like me. Life is hard but it's much easier when you have an ally in the mirror.

I was walking across the front of the store earlier and found a note paper on the ground. It was one of those long lined narrow pages that people usually write grocery lists on. This one was blank. All it said on the top was "Life is all about Plan B."

Well, Plan B has been activated. Thanks for the sign Big Guy.  

Everything is going to be alright.

Chapter 27: Then... woman in a man's world

I was working the 2-11p shift one night.

We get a lot of deliveries at night and I’m in charge of opening the doors to let them in.

The drivers love to gab since they spend a majority of their time on the roads so it’s typical for conversations to come about.

I let in this one vendor and he was just an odd duck.

He starts talking to me and the conversation is just bazaar so I kind of just give him the polite nods and 'yeps.’

He then asks me if I have a boyfriend.

I think to myself this is getting inappropriate but I answer "Yes I do."

 He follows that up with, “Do you and your boyfriend watch porn?”

I am so shocked, I flush bright red and tell him that’s none of his business.

He then proceeds to keep talking about porn and how he loves to watch it and watching it with a women is just the best. He goes on and on about how things get so hot when watching porn and you don't even need to be having sex just watching porn is enough...

I again tell him, "This conversation is extremely inappropriate please stop."
He didn’t and kept on going.
At that point he was done and I tell him he needs to leave now.

I am so freaked out from what just happened. This has never happened before. I do not want to deal with this again. I do not want anyone else to have to deal with this so I decide to report it to my store manager.

Now, as a woman, it’s a nerve racking experience reporting sexual harassment. You always hear these stories about how it always gets turned around and somehow you are at fault. But this, there’s no way I am at fault. I did what I was supposed to by asking him to stop and the next proper step is reporting.

The next day I arrive at work for my 9-6p shift.
I take all morning to build up the courage and finally I ask my store manager if I can speak with him in private.
We go into the office and I sit down. He remains standing.
Clearly I’m nervous and this makes him nervous.
I then say I would like to report sexual harassment.
He looks shocked and exclaims, “Someone here!?”
I tell him no it’s a vendor. He looks relieved.

I then tell him my embarrassing story.

He listens and takes it all in. He doesn't respond right away but takes a minute to think.
He then says to me, “Don’t take this the wrong way but... you may want to reconsider the way you dress…”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

I must have looked like I was slapped! And I had nothing to say but “What???”

He then says, now remember I am sitting down and he is standing, “Like right now, I can see down your shirt.”

I am wearing a button up collared shirt with just the top two buttons undone. There is nothing unprofessional about what I'm wearing and if he weren't standing over me he would not be able to see down my shirt.

I cannot believe this is happening. How the hell did my worst fear come true? How is this being blamed on me? How is a sexual harassment complaint being followed up with sexual harassment?

I say to him, "don’t you understand I am not at fault for sexual harassment and the main reason a lot of it goes unreported is because of comments like that!"

At that point I got up and left.
I never reported it to HR.
The following day I confided in a female coworker, Helen. She was a couple years older than I was and she just seemed a natural at handling things like this.
Helen was pissed at what had happened to me. She told me a story about how the same thing had happened to her when she reported sexual harassment at a previous employer. She told me I needed to learn to stand up for myself and told me to push it further. I didn't.
The next time I saw her she told me she had spoken with the driver. She told me she advised him to remove himself from this route if he wanted to keep his job. She threatened to go to his employer and pursue sexual harassment charges if he ever returned.

Thanks to her I never saw him again.

Nothing was ever done company wide. No disciplinary actions ever taken.

It just, went away.

There is no one I can rely on. No one I can trust. The only person that is going to stand up for me is me. (Well, me and Helen.)

Chapter 26: Now... can't win

It is New Years Day.
January 1, 2016.

Why is that such a big deal?
 I used to make New Year resolutions, but not anymore.
 I don't resolve to change... I desire change. I want to stick with this. For the first time in my life I want to stay away from alcohol.

Some people may say I'm cheating. I picked up my new pot candy habit. But I don't think it's cheating.

I'm not hurting my liver anymore. I'm not destroying dozens of brain cells. I'm not ingesting thousands of calories. And I'm certainly not waking up hungover and depressed.

Last night was New Years Eve. I had to work until 6pm. I still hate that place but I'm over it. I've got my mind set on Virginia.

***
Seth and I have made it through to a live interview where the company will fly us down to Virginia and interview with the Vice President.
Pretty exciting... Especially since I thought I bombed the video interview. It was the most awkward interview ever and I'm pretty good with interviewing, my skills are certainly up to par. But this one, this was just me and my computer. Me sitting in a chair, staring at the screen with my image reflected back to me. I had 60 seconds to read a question that popped up and then a minute thirty to answer.... while staring at myself answering the question.
 It was supposed to take about a week to hear back on how we did but we got a response the very next day. They want us down there ASAP.
The recruiter wants us to get down there next week. We can't make it. We still have a job up here after all. Can't put all of our eggs in one basket...  So we scheduled it for the second week in February. This is really happening.... fast.

***

New Years Eve, I leave work a little early, stop at home to change into my New years eve outfit... yoga pants, an over sized tee shirt, and fuzzy socks....then Seth and I head out to pick up the Chinese food I ordered at 11:30am. We still waited a half hour for it... why is that? Every year we order early and STILL wait. I wonder what algorithm the Chinese place uses to decide which orders take priority. I need to crack that code...

We get our food and head home to eat and watch our awful B movie marathon.

Every New Years Eve we each pick a B horror movie then vote on who picked the best (or worst) movie. I usually win. Previous winners include: Hell Baby (hilarious), Tusks (still scratching my head), Antichrist (disturbing), and 11/11/11 (disturbing).

This year we went with The Curse of the Witching Tree and Creed. Obviously Creed is not a B movie and Seth just really wanted t o watch that so The Curse of the witching Tree wins by default.

Seth has whiskey and coke and I have a couple candies. I also treated myself to Martinelli's sparkling apple cider. I broke out out champagne wedding flutes to sip my bubbly from.

It was nice.

Between movies we have another tradition.
We started this about four years ago.
At the start of the year we have an empty jar. As the year progresses we collect our happy memories and put them in the jar. On New Years Eve we open the jar and read through them. It helps us remember how blessed we are and remind us that we really did have a great year. Then we empty it, select our favorite memory to recycle and start over again in the new year.

So we took a trip down memory lane.... trips we took, camping with the girls, the Mudderella mud race we did, our wedding, our honeymoon...

As the night went on, Seth got drunk. I got high.

We watched Creed then went to bed.

As we're laying in bed we are talking. Mainly the lovey dovey drunk stuff coming from Seth. He wants to cuddle.

I roll over to take my Lunesta and he starts grabbing for me asking me where I'm going.

 I tell him "I'm just reaching over to pop my sleepy pills."

He snaps at me, "Haven't you taken enough pills for one day!"

What the fuck does that even mean? He just polished off 7 whiskey and cokes while I sucked on two candies and he wants to lecture me....

I snap back at him, "I hope you're just fucking drunk saying stupid shit right now! Or would you prefer me to sit up wide awake while you pass out and snore? Oh, while we're at it let me stop taking my Paxil too... see how that goes. And don't forget my birth control. Guess I'll stop taking that too. My allergy pills.... it's cool I'll be miserable all fucking day! My husband wants me to stop popping pills. Because I do it for fun! Is there anything else I should stop doing? Should I grab my apron and go Stepford too??"

He starts snoring.

Good. I kinda want to not be talking right now.

I just can't win. Ever.

Happy New Year.

Chapter 25: Then... Rock bottom

I met a man, Seth.

A man that helps me see my self worth; see the beauty in my disaster.

A man that would make me want to be a better person.

I met Seth at work. We just so happened to be working in the same store one week and we were drawn to each other.  I wasn't looking for anything and neither was he. We started eating lunch together and I found myself looking for him.
On our last work day together I popped in to say hello while he was eating lunch. He was eating shrimp and corn chowder and offered me a bite. I took it.
He then passed me a piece of paper and told me that if I was interested in having some scotch and watching some football I should call him.
It was his number, he had written it down earlier in the day and planned on passing it to me.
I hadn't gotten a note passed to me in years. It was cute.
It wasn't long before called him.

We dated for a couple weeks. Usually me going over his house and us having drinks and watching movies. He and his wife had just split up so he was lonely, I was all by myself and I was lonely. We were two lonely people keeping each other company. Then he started to seem attached. He would text me in the morning just to say "Good morning beautiful" and text me at night to say "Good night hope to see you soon."
This was moving way too fast!! In typical fashion, my self destruction resumed it's normal pace.
I would show up drunk at 2 am, I would be absolutely unattractive and send out all the red flags. I wanted to chase him away. This was no good for me.

Stay away from broken people.

After about a month of dating, I left him.

I decided he was too much stress for me. He had just split from his wife of 17 years and had 3 kids. Not to mention he had ten years on me.

He was not for me. I had ENOUGH drama in my life.

Right after we had stopped seeing each other I went to go hang out with two of my friends.
We went out to a bar, did karaoke, drank... We had a good time. But I had to go home. I have issues sleeping anywhere but my own bed and plus I had my dog, Toby, at home.

I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving my car died, I blew a fan through the oil pan. And by died I mean the engine just shut off. Completely. I pulled over to the side of the highway.

It was snowing but I wasn't far from where I had just come from so I thought I could walk. I couldn't find my phone and I was drunk. I tried to climb down the embankment and get to the road below. I slipped. That's the last thing I remember.

Have you ever seen warmth?
I have. I was floating above the clouds with the sun rising at dawn.
The color was such a warm yellow mixed with a deep orange. It slowly rolled over the clouds and onto my face. Just the sight of it spread warmth through my entire body. I thought to myself, I could stay here forever.
But then I felt cold, cold flakes hitting my face and then the warmth was taken from me.
God I wanted that warmth back. Instead I opened my eyes and was completely disoriented.
Where the hell was I? I was laying on my back, and I was cold, outside somewhere. I moved to stand up and was met by soaring pain everywhere. I was laying in a brier patch. And then I remembered the fall.

I had slipped, bumped my head and knocked myself out. I have no idea how long I was out, all I knew is that I woke up in a brier patch flat on my back. The only way to get up was to shove my hands to the ground through the briers, through the pain. Every movement sent shooting pain through my entire body. I was entangled in thorny arms.

My head hurt, my body was bleeding, I had to do it so I took a deep breath and shoved my hands through the briers, to the ground. God did it hurt!

I made my way back up the embankment and started walking down the highway. My phone, I had no idea where it was. I had no choice, I had to walk.

About a minute or so into my trek a guy pulled over and offered me a ride, I said no way.
He convinced me that it was snowing and I was going to get hit walking down the highway. He was right, so I skeptically got in. He tried to ask me what had happened but I was still disoriented and all I could say was my car died and I had slipped and fallen.
He gave me a ride back to my friends but once we were there he tried to get 'payment.' Saw that one coming... He tried to hold my head down and force me on him. I had to fight my way out of the car and finally back to my friends.

They were astonished by my state, bloody, torn up, and crying. We called AAA and headed back to my car. It was gone. Apparently the state tows any car in a snowstorm. I got a ride back to my house and sent my sister a Facebook message in hopes that she would show up the next day and help me. She did. She came over first thing in the morning and woke me up, took one look at me, told me to get in her car, and brought me to her house. Luckily I was off from work that day. Together she helped me sort it out. This is one of the first times I had let anyone in my family see this side of me. I was a disaster. Embarrassed, ashamed, lost, confused. I was an emotional wreck.

It was almost Christmas. I was all scratched up and I felt so alone. It was just me, my dog Toby, and my wine.

I was talking to Alice on Facebook one night and was telling her my story about ending up in a brier patch. She asked me to see a picture.
Back then we couldn't message pictures so I posted it, briefly, on Facebook. I had these awful deep cuts all down my side, across my face, everywhere. After about 10 minutes she said she had seen it and I took the picture down.

About 20 minutes after I had finished my conversation with Alice I got a message from Seth. He asked me how I was doing.
I actually told him the truth.
I said I wasn't doing so good.
He never responded.
I thought it was because he was just being polite trying to make conversation and I had gotten too serious.
I had told the truth and he turned his back on me. Again, I felt alone.

A half hour later there was a knock at my door.
It was Seth. He had brought me some chamomile tea. With tears in my eyes, I let him in.
That was probably the first right thing I have done in a very long time.

I cried and told him I was sorry for treating him the way I had. He let me cry. He hugged me and consoled me. He asked if he could see me tomorrow.
I said yes.

We were back together and I was OK with that. I needed this. I wanted this.

Chapter 24: Now... fade to gray

There's this hole inside us all. 

For some it could be a pin prick, for others it could be all consuming blackness.

This hole is self doubt, self loathing, self pity.

When this hole grows all I want to do is fill it with anything that will make me not feel it's existence. 

Today, my dark hole has grown.

I want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. 

Or drink a bottle of whiskey and fill that hole right up... 

It has been 22 days since I last had a drink. 

That's over three weeks... All I keep thinking is you have got to prove them all wrong. How many times have I said I would quit drinking? The longest I've ever gone is three months. That ended fast, "three months see I told you I don't need a drink, now let's celebrate with drinks!" 

I have made it through a nervous breakdown at work, work Christmas party, a huge blow out with my boss, my in-laws Christmas party, and my parents Christmas dinner all without a single drop of booze. 

The best part is I didn't even want any.

The other night Seth and I were spending the night on the couch watching Train Wreck. He had a couple drinks and I was perfectly content just sitting here... I may or may not have been sucking on some pot candies but that's neither here nor there...

****

This past summer I went to a concert and was introduced to little hard candies made from weed. I was hesitant at first, I really do not like being stoned. I like things that make me more social, hence my love of alcohol. I tried two of the candies and just sat back and felt a wave of contentment wash over me. It took away any anxiety I was feeling and dulled my need for "just another drink." 

When I stopped drinking my anxiety grew worse. I have a big problem with sitting still.  I get very restless, especially when I'm alone. I didn't want to constantly rely on my Xanax so I acquired a bag of these little gems. Now when I get restless I pop two candies and sink into comfort. The comfort of my couch, the comfort of being in my own skin. 

****

Back to the other night...

The thing is the desire to fill that hole was gone.

My dark hole had shrunk back down to a pin prick. 

Christmas Eve is always a big deal at Seth's parents house. We go to a family party at his grandmothers and then we head to their house. His mom does a big spread of finger foods and she always makes sure everyone has their drink of choice readily available. My drink of choice was cranberry juice.

It was actually amusing to watch people disappear under the pull of alcohol. My sister in law was absolutely trashed, so was my brother in law... and my husband. I sat there, sucking on my candies, sipping on my cranberry juice just taking it all in. This is the first Christmas Eve that I actually remember in a long time. Usually we head over there and hit the booze pretty hard. Not this year. This year I would be the one to wake up Christmas Day with a smile on my face and stories to tell of the night before. This year I wouldn't wake up with the "Oh my God what the hell happened last night?" hangover.

Now today comes and I have asked to meet with HR. He has finally gotten back to me and we have arranged to meet at Chili's.  We met over lunch and I just let out all that I had been holding in and all my thoughts and concerns over the last 6 months. He listened and empathizes. We talked for over an hour. He was already aware of HALF the stuff that had been going on. Of course Earl had called him.... and left out the part where he was a complete asshole. But now I was able to fill my HR manager in on why this Christmas debacle occurred. I told him about Earl's complete lack of respect for anyone including a dead woman. I tell him about how I feel discriminated against for being a woman. I tell him everything. Once I started talking I couldn't stop. 

Now I feel, empty.

Unsure. 

Lost. 

I thought I would feel better. 

Happier. 

Lighter. 

But I just want to curl up inside the bottom of a bottle.

But I won't.

I will just sip on a cup of chai tea and enjoy the miserable cold snowy day outside.

I have three pot candies left...

I pop those and fade to grey.