A man that helps me see my self worth; see the beauty in my disaster.
A man that would make me want to be a better person.
I met Seth at work. We just so happened to be working in the same store one week and we were drawn to each other. I wasn't looking for anything and neither was he. We started eating lunch together and I found myself looking for him.
On our last work day together I popped in to say hello while he was eating lunch. He was eating shrimp and corn chowder and offered me a bite. I took it.
He then passed me a piece of paper and told me that if I was interested in having some scotch and watching some football I should call him.
It was his number, he had written it down earlier in the day and planned on passing it to me.
I hadn't gotten a note passed to me in years. It was cute.
It wasn't long before called him.
We dated for a couple weeks. Usually me going over his house and us having drinks and watching movies. He and his wife had just split up so he was lonely, I was all by myself and I was lonely. We were two lonely people keeping each other company. Then he started to seem attached. He would text me in the morning just to say "Good morning beautiful" and text me at night to say "Good night hope to see you soon."
This was moving way too fast!! In typical fashion, my self destruction resumed it's normal pace.
I would show up drunk at 2 am, I would be absolutely unattractive and send out all the red flags. I wanted to chase him away. This was no good for me.
Stay away from broken people.
After about a month of dating, I left him.
I decided he was too much stress for me. He had just split from his wife of 17 years and had 3 kids. Not to mention he had ten years on me.
He was not for me. I had ENOUGH drama in my life.
Right after we had stopped seeing each other I went to go hang out with two of my friends.
We went out to a bar, did karaoke, drank... We had a good time. But I had to go home. I have issues sleeping anywhere but my own bed and plus I had my dog, Toby, at home.
I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving my car died, I blew a fan through the oil pan. And by died I mean the engine just shut off. Completely. I pulled over to the side of the highway.
It was snowing but I wasn't far from where I had just come from so I thought I could walk. I couldn't find my phone and I was drunk. I tried to climb down the embankment and get to the road below. I slipped. That's the last thing I remember.
Have you ever seen warmth?
I have. I was floating above the clouds with the sun rising at dawn.
The color was such a warm yellow mixed with a deep orange. It slowly rolled over the clouds and onto my face. Just the sight of it spread warmth through my entire body. I thought to myself, I could stay here forever.
But then I felt cold, cold flakes hitting my face and then the warmth was taken from me.
God I wanted that warmth back. Instead I opened my eyes and was completely disoriented.
Where the hell was I? I was laying on my back, and I was cold, outside somewhere. I moved to stand up and was met by soaring pain everywhere. I was laying in a brier patch. And then I remembered the fall.
I had slipped, bumped my head and knocked myself out. I have no idea how long I was out, all I knew is that I woke up in a brier patch flat on my back. The only way to get up was to shove my hands to the ground through the briers, through the pain. Every movement sent shooting pain through my entire body. I was entangled in thorny arms.
My head hurt, my body was bleeding, I had to do it so I took a deep breath and shoved my hands through the briers, to the ground. God did it hurt!
I made my way back up the embankment and started walking down the highway. My phone, I had no idea where it was. I had no choice, I had to walk.
About a minute or so into my trek a guy pulled over and offered me a ride, I said no way.
He convinced me that it was snowing and I was going to get hit walking down the highway. He was right, so I skeptically got in. He tried to ask me what had happened but I was still disoriented and all I could say was my car died and I had slipped and fallen.
He gave me a ride back to my friends but once we were there he tried to get 'payment.' Saw that one coming... He tried to hold my head down and force me on him. I had to fight my way out of the car and finally back to my friends.
They were astonished by my state, bloody, torn up, and crying. We called AAA and headed back to my car. It was gone. Apparently the state tows any car in a snowstorm. I got a ride back to my house and sent my sister a Facebook message in hopes that she would show up the next day and help me. She did. She came over first thing in the morning and woke me up, took one look at me, told me to get in her car, and brought me to her house. Luckily I was off from work that day. Together she helped me sort it out. This is one of the first times I had let anyone in my family see this side of me. I was a disaster. Embarrassed, ashamed, lost, confused. I was an emotional wreck.
It was almost Christmas. I was all scratched up and I felt so alone. It was just me, my dog Toby, and my wine.
I was talking to Alice on Facebook one night and was telling her my story about ending up in a brier patch. She asked me to see a picture.
Back then we couldn't message pictures so I posted it, briefly, on Facebook. I had these awful deep cuts all down my side, across my face, everywhere. After about 10 minutes she said she had seen it and I took the picture down.
About 20 minutes after I had finished my conversation with Alice I got a message from Seth. He asked me how I was doing.
I actually told him the truth.
I said I wasn't doing so good.
He never responded.
I thought it was because he was just being polite trying to make conversation and I had gotten too serious.
I had told the truth and he turned his back on me. Again, I felt alone.
A half hour later there was a knock at my door.
It was Seth. He had brought me some chamomile tea. With tears in my eyes, I let him in.
That was probably the first right thing I have done in a very long time.
I cried and told him I was sorry for treating him the way I had. He let me cry. He hugged me and consoled me. He asked if he could see me tomorrow.
I said yes.
We were back together and I was OK with that. I needed this. I wanted this.
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