Actually, I was offered a full time assistant store manager job before I finished my last college course.
I accepted and so began my adult life.
Exactly one day after I accepted my full time job I came home to a newspaper laid out with apartments for rent circled, left for me by my mother. Wow, I thought, I guess they really do want me out. I was 22.
I found a place in a nearby city and moved out of my parents house; just me, myself, and I.
I was alone.
Living alone.
I felt liberated and strong, at first.
I was free to do what I wanted when I wanted.
I was the only person I knew living alone, working a full time job, and with money to spare...
Three years had passed since I had started dating James but now I was in an adult working world and he was still just part time not going to school. Oh and did I mention he treated me like shit?
I had other options.
I started exploring them.
I finally made the choice to breakup with James.
I realized that this is NOT how you treat someone you love and that was it. Over.
James had started to make me feel guilty for making more money than he did and he started taking advantage of the fact that I had more money.
One day he came over and started grilling me about where I was the night before. You see, he had plans with his boys and I went out to the bars. I guess his plans fell through and I was plan b. But plan B fell through because every time he called I hit ignore.
He told me he drove by mt apartment several times and didn't see the light come on until 1am. Who was I with? What was I doing? Why didn't I call him back?
With a straight face I looked him in the eye and said "It's over, please leave."
He yelled and cursed and demanded that I change my mind.
He asked me if I was seeing someone else, I wasn't.
He told me he would change, I didn't believe him.
After the break up, he left me a painting everyday on my doorstep with a poem on the back.
All I could think was, it's too little too late...
Then left me a note telling me some deep dark secret of his... Apparently when he was younger he was molested by an older neighborhood boy. This was his explanation for why he was so fucked up and why he treated me like shit.
I sent him a text saying I was sorry to read about what had happened to him when he was younger. I told him that perhaps if he was honest with me before I chose to leave him then maybe things could have worked but it was too late...
I couldn't believe I had actually stood my ground. But then the solitude set in.
There's only so much you can do before you get lost in your thoughts, especially when you're alone.
After being in a relationship for three years you tend to discover that you burned bridges. People that were your friends don't want to be bothered with you. They feel like you abandoned them and unfortunately they don't always want to rebuild those bridges.
So I made new 'friends.'
One night I had gone out with these friends. They were pre-gaming and I met up with them afterwards. They wanted me to 'catch up' and made me some pretty strong drinks. I was absolutely wasted.
We went to a club and I made the mistake of going to the bathroom alone. After I came out I was totally disoriented and couldn't find anyone. I went outside and couldn't even figure out where the car was parked. I was lost and drunk.
James was my knight in shining armor. Really, I had lost my phone and had to borrow some random guys cell and James was the only number I could remember in my drunken haze.
He came to save me. The funny thing is, instead of driving me home he actually allowed me to drive as he followed to make sure I got home safe.
God, was I naive.
Of course he ended up spending the night and after just a month we were back together but nothing was ever the same.
I had this resentment I held over his head. I knew he was bad for me but I couldn't stay away. I pitied him. I hated him for acting like he needed me. But I still waited for him to change. Good thing I didn't hold my breath.
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