Life was great, but I hadn't stopped drinking.
I tried, but, in true form, I got comfortable with my efforts to not drink and one drink turned into two turns into three... turns into every night.
The problem this time was not between Seth and I. We got along great. The problem this time was his ex-wife, Pamela.
Pamela was awful. She would call him at all hours of the day. She would text him constantly. She would drive by his house and just blow up his phone whenever I was there.
Whenever she called I would hear her refer to me as "she" and "her" and "the little girl."
You see, Seth is ten years older than me, so she was taking it exceptionally bad. I don't know if she had seen me by now but I'm sure with all the stalking she was doing she knew exactly what I looked like.
Seth also has three daughters.
He wasn't ready to introduce me to them.
He didn't want just any girl meeting his daughters.
I was ok with that. I understood.
Seth didn't tell his girls about me either.
Pamela did. She decided that she should tell them that Daddy has a new girlfriend...
I don't understand why any parent does this to their kids.
If their father doesn't think he's ready to tell his kids about his girlfriend, why does the mother feel the need to? What business is it of hers? To gain the upper hand and make it seem wrong?
When she packed up and left saying to him "I love you, but I'm not in love with you... you're going to make a great husband for someone else" she only meant unless he finds someone first? She's miserable so he has to be too and if he's not she'll make the kids hate him? Yep. Sounds about right.
Regardless of how they felt about the idea of me, they are still kids and they were curious about me. Seth asked me to send his two older daughters a friend request on Facebook.
I did.
Then I sent Carissa, his oldest daughter (she was 15) a message just saying hello. Just saying I'm not here to replace anyone and I'd like it if we could be friends.
She responded and we formed a friendship through Facebook messages.
Pamela did not like this.
After a couple of weeks we had decided to take a vacation together.
It was 7am on Saturday when Pamela started texting him.
Seth says to me "Pamela's on her way over, she asked what kind of coffee you like."
He actually told her how I take my coffee.
I told him to lock the door and don't answer it. He said "She has a key still."
I grabbed my stuff and left.
Fuck that. You don't just show up at 7 am at your ex-husbands house so you can talk with his new girlfriend. I didn't feel that I needed to have a 'sit' down with Mommy so she can set some ground rules.
I went home and went back to sleep... After chugging back a glass or two of wine. I was fired up. Seriously, who does that???
Later that afternoon I went back over to Seth's house. He told me he and her fought about me for about 3 hours. She told him the reason she left him, the reason she moved out and filed for a legal separation was because she expected him to come groveling back to her. She also said that she's been trying to get him back since then and how dare he just move on. And how dare I send HER daughters friend requests! What did he want, me to be girlfriends with them? Seth had asked her what she wanted me to be to her daughters? Their new mother? Or their friend? She didn't like that very much. She didn't like a lot of things.
After this, things were awful.
Pamela was sabotaging our relationship. I didn't know how to deal with it. He was a great guy but this was SO much. I drank. I'd go home and then show back up at 2 am drunk. I couldn't believe how crazy things were getting.
After about six months he left me this time.
He told me he had too much stress in his life and couldn't take my added stress.
This was after I showed up at 2am drunk and blubbering about how my ex was trying to get back together with me. I think I was trying to make him feel the way I was being made to feel.
Clearly that didn't work.
I cried the whole way home.
I tried to call Erica but she told me she'd have to call me back later. She didn't have time to talk to me. Great best friend...
I went home and drowned my sorrow.
I was as depressed as ever. I felt.... empty... alone... lost.
I physically could not get off the couch. I could not move.
I just wanted to sleep.
So I slept.
And slept.
And got up to let the dog out and have a cigarette and a glass of wine.
Then I slept and slept and slept some more.
My phone rang, I ignored it. I couldn't even gather up the energy to say "hello."
The hope I had every time it rang, and the deepening depression I had every time it wasn't Seth.
I have never been this low before.
It was April and it was about 90 degrees outside.
Unseasonably warm. I went outside.
I felt the sun on my face. And then something clicked... after about 5 days of being into my depression I got up.
I dusted myself off and threw away all the alcohol I had.
It finally made sense. I need to start taking care of myself.
I'm alone and I'm all I will ever have and I need me.
I deleted Seth's number from my phone.
I erased all the text messages between us.
I started exercising and taking care of my self.
I was... happier then I'd been in ages.
A week after my new found self preservation I went to my friends party with Erica, and DIDN'T drink!
Unfortunately, I was met with "oh I feel so awkward around you because your not drinking" and so on and so forth.
The last friends I had didn't want to be around me when I was drunk and didn't know how to act when I was sober.
So I accepted it and set on my way.
Erica and I had come to an impasse.
We stopped being friends.
I'd already lost everything else, might as well start new. It would have been nice to have someone, anyone, love me enough to slap me when I was being harmful and hug me when I was making the right decision. But I couldn't find that with these people.
I closed that chapter of my life and those characters never resurfaced.
I lost my self respect, I lost all my friends, I lost an amazing man, I lost my reputation, and on multiple occasions I should have lost my life. Lost is the imperative word, and the cause for every single thing that had gone wrong in my life can be boiled down to my demons. It is because of alcohol.
Too bad I don't learn quickly from my mistakes.
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