It's like you can't enjoy the beauty of the heavens without giving up something. That's how it feels anyway. Standing outside in nine degree weather and looking up at the sky thinking, "Wow, what a breathtaking view. Holy shit my nose is freezing off."
I wonder why that is.... I mean I know that it's cold so that means we are further from the sun. But it's the same stars above so has the sun moved away from us? If that were the case then the stars would have less light pollution and be able to shine their brightest.... but then again, we revolve around the sun. So do our stars revolve with us? I have no idea. No scientific approach to this, just thinking out loud.
With anything in this life, to gain something you have to give up something. That is one fact that is tried and true.
You want to be skinny, you have to give up eating awful foods.
You want to be smarter, you can't go out every night.
You want a different job, you lose the years you have already put in to your job. You lose security.
The grass is not always greener on the other side. We all want and want and want until we get what we want and discover it was never what we actually wanted.
I have run into this at this exact moment.
What do I do? Isn't there anyone that can just TELL me.
Tell me what to do!
My road at Go n Save has been very bumpy. This last 6 months has been terrible. But do I hate my job? Do I hate my company? Or do I just hate the store I'm in?
I don't know. I am so confused right now.
What do I do?
I just had my interview for Block Island, today is January 5th. Not exactly mid January like they had said. It was only to go through the motions. I know I'm a shoe in. But do I take it?
Is the grass going to be greener if I move to Virginia? Do I give up all my knowledge and connections to give ANOTHER retailer my time?
It's so easy to make a decision when you're angry. I'm not angry right now.
I'm so confused.
One thing that has been weighing on me is the kids. I know Seth wants to make me happy and he would do whatever it takes to help me get happy. But I feel like he's not telling me the truth. I keep asking him if he's ok with moving away from his daughters, his parents, his grandmother... he says yes. I don't believe it.
Then I have to ask myself, am I willing him to tell me he's not ok so it makes the decision easier?
I think that may be the case. I don't think I'm ok with moving away.
I don't know what to do.
****
This morning I woke up with a terrible pain in my stomach. I have been getting that a lot lately. The other day I went to walk into the house and was struck by this awful pain. It made my legs give out.
I got up to attend to my business and as I was in the bathroom I was overcome by tingles from head to toe followed by cold sweats and the fuzzy twinkling light vision. I thought I was going to pass out. It was scary. I was so cold. I finished up real quick and dragged myself back to bed. I slept for another half hour and woke up a little better. Just dizzy. I'm always so dizzy.
I don't think somethings wrong but at the same time I feel like I know something is wrong. Every time I go to the doctor I just wait for the bad news. It hasn't come yet.
It's not right to feel this tired all the time. Tired and dizzy.
Maybe I can add hypochondriac to my list of ailments. Do they make a pill for that?
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