It feels like it's sucking in everything around me.
Every event, every emotion, every word... everything just getting sucked into this pit of nothingness and sitting right smack in the middle of my stomach.
It makes me dizzy.
I can feel a weight holding my shoulders down.
I can actually feel it.
It makes breathing feel like a chore.
It feeds off of life.
It sucks the life out of me.
I just want to curl up into a ball and make it go away but curling up into a ball only makes it worse. This is my anxiety.
I don't even know where it came from or why it came here.
I just know it's here, and it wants me to know it's here and it is real.
Usually I'd have a drink to get rid of it. To feed it and make it quiet. But after 42 days I just can't do that...
*******
So much has been happening so fast lately. My whole world is spinning in circles.
At work I was transferred to another store, finally.
I got that news Monday.
I was being sent to the South end of New Bedford.
Closer to home but not that close, but hey anywhere is better then where I am.
On Tuesday I got word that I am not going to New Bedford I am going back to Pawtuckett.
Much closer to home but a very difficult store in the ghetto.
I was there for almost 3 years about 2 years ago.
I know the store and know the people that work there and I also know what to expect from the customers... the awful awful terrible customers.
Wednesday I get a call that I'm not going to be in Pawtuckett I'm going to go on special assignment to set up and run the hiring center in case of a strike... This will be for the next 3 months, Monday through Friday, right down the street from my house. I don't have a say in this.....
Unfortunately I have an interview set up with Harris Teeter in February and was going to take off 3 days and fly down to Virginia. So much for that idea.
It's like they KNOW.
I had to send an email to cancel.
On top of all this, I told my 14 year old step daughter Ashley, that I would take her to New York City for a girls weekend. That was this past weekend.
Ashley had stayed home from school on Friday sick and wasn't sure if she could go.
I had already made reservations at a hotel and it was well past 24 hours notice so I couldn't cancel so I had to scramble for a plan b.
Luckily my little sister Stacey was free and agreed to go if Ashley couldn't.
Miraculously she was better Saturday morning and so we went on our road trip.
It was a three and a half hour car ride and we were in New York by 3pm.
We were one block from Broadway.
Awesome location.
The whole car trip down we sang and danced and joked around, it was fun.
I think she was sick Friday from nerves. She wasn't sure how it would be going away with just me... this is the first time it's been just her and I and it was her first time going to New York City.
Lots of things a 14 year old can worry about.
Once we got checked in we hit the town. It was almost 60 degrees out in mid-January.
Couldn't have asked for better weather! The Patriot's were playing in the AFC championship game at 4:30p so there were (slightly) less people out then a typical Saturday.
We walked up times square, I wanted to take her to Madam Tussouds wax Museum.
As we were walking down the street, out of the hundreds of thousands of people, these two British guys come up behind us and start harassing her. Seriously!!?? Why am I always being tested!?
They were trying to take her hat off and saying they wanted to wear it. I had to transform into angry mama bear and basically told them to fuck off and threaten them with my pepper spray.
One of the Brits says "Oh, she was quite beautiful!" and the other replies "I wouldn't go that far..." and they scamper off.
Ashley immediately says "I hate New York, I want to go back to the hotel" and she turns almost catatonic.
I tell her "We are not going back, you can't let two idiots ruin our trip! They were probably just drunk. Let's go to the museum and if you still aren't having fun we'll go back. Ok?"
She says "Okay. Fine, Whatever. "
We get to the museum and the line is fairly long.
She is not happy.
She stands there and stares off into nothing.
I try to get her back to earth but she's not really responsive.
Then we get to the entrance and it's a picture spot with King Kong. She says "We are not doing that." I grab her and pull her into King Kong's oversized fist "Oh yes we are!!! Come on Ashley look scared!!"
She rolls her eyes at me and makes a cheesy face. Hey, whatever, at least she made a face... progress!
Then we get into the wax figures and she starts to loosen up a little more.
I start snapping selfies left and right.
"Ashley, you need to get in some of these with me, people are gonna think I came here by myself!" And so she does.
Then we see Spongebob.
Enough said.
"Oh my God, Spongebob!! This place is Awesome! I love New York!!"
(Praise the Lord, there is a God!) Now she's back to herself.
We saw the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, the Spice Girls, Abe Lincoln. She got to stand with Frankenstein, Dracula, and the president. Now we're snapping pictures left and right. Thor is the one that sealed the deal. She threw her arms around him and her leg up in the air "My herooooo! Take my picture with Thor!!"
That's my girl.
At the end of the museum she was thanking me for such good time. She then asks if we can go back to the hotel and order room service. Sure, why not.
So we get back unharmed and she jumps in the shower. Only problem is the hotel we're in doesn't have room service.... hm, shoot. I tell her this and tell her she needs to get dress. There's an Irish Pub right next door we can go to.
After we sit down and order she asks me, "Did you hear what those guys said afterwards?"
I say, "What guys? The idiots from earlier?? They were just being stupid because I made them feel stupid Ashley."
"Yea but did you hear what they said??"
"What, about how 'she's so beautiful' and then the other saying 'no she's not'?? Ashley, did you see them? They were ugly!! Not us."
"No, one of them turned around and said 'Lumpy' to me. He called me fat."
"I don't think that's what he said at all, if anything he probably called you lovey. Want me to go find them and beat them up?"
She laughs, "No, but that wasn't nice at all. I hate people."
"Me too Ashley, me too. But you know what I do love? Animals. Have you heard of the Central Park Zoo? It's right down the street."
"Oh my God we are so going to the zoo! I love the zoo! High five!!"
We high five. "So I hope you still plan on getting dessert with me because that Mississippi Mud pie looks TO DIE FOR! What do you say we take that to go, head back to the hotel, and watch stupid movies and tell ghost stories??"
"Yes!"
And so that's what we did.... It was a good time but my God while we were at dinner I was SO freaking tempted to have a drink, or two... I even had a battle in my head. No one would ever know. I can just have one drink. A really really strong drink. But you stopped drinking for you and you would know. I know but it's just one. I can have ONE drink I'm an adult after all. Is it ever just one drink? You're right. But it would totally help me get through this night. No. No, ok. No drink.... where's the dessert menu....
The next day we got up, had breakfast, and planned the day. The Central Park Zoo was 0.9 miles away. A 20 minute walk. It was colder today, about 35 degrees. I tell this to Ashley and tell her to dress warm. She comes out of the bathroom wearing sSperry topsiders with no socks.... Not exactly warm. She says she'll be fine.... ok, don't say I didn't warn you.....
The walk wasn't that bad. Less people today. Still just as many street peddlers trying to shove flyers in our face. I teach Ashley how to avoid them.
I tell her to just growl at them.
She thinks this is funny.
I growl at the next one.
She thinks it's even funnier. She didn't think I was being serious. Oh, I am.
Finally we see a Starbucks. Coffee! As we approach, two homeless men are outside. They start hollering at us. "Hey sisters, hey twin sisters! You two are beautiful twin sisters! You have a penny to spare!"
I smile and say "No, sorry." and we walk away.
Ashley says "That's funny they thought we were twin sisters." And she smiles to herself.
Hopefully that comment erases the idiot comment from the previous day.
I smile back and say "Come on sister let's head to the zoo!"
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