There's this hole inside us all.
For some it could be a pin prick, for others it could be all consuming blackness.
This hole is self doubt, self loathing, self pity.
When this hole grows all I want to do is fill it with anything that will make me not feel it's existence.
Today, my dark hole has grown.
I want to curl up in a ball and just disappear.
Or drink a bottle of whiskey and fill that hole right up...
It has been 22 days since I last had a drink.
That's over three weeks... All I keep thinking is you have got to prove them all wrong. How many times have I said I would quit drinking? The longest I've ever gone is three months. That ended fast, "three months see I told you I don't need a drink, now let's celebrate with drinks!"
I have made it through a nervous breakdown at work, work Christmas party, a huge blow out with my boss, my in-laws Christmas party, and my parents Christmas dinner all without a single drop of booze.
The best part is I didn't even want any.
The other night Seth and I were spending the night on the couch watching Train Wreck. He had a couple drinks and I was perfectly content just sitting here... I may or may not have been sucking on some pot candies but that's neither here nor there...
****
This past summer I went to a concert and was introduced to little hard candies made from weed. I was hesitant at first, I really do not like being stoned. I like things that make me more social, hence my love of alcohol. I tried two of the candies and just sat back and felt a wave of contentment wash over me. It took away any anxiety I was feeling and dulled my need for "just another drink."
When I stopped drinking my anxiety grew worse. I have a big problem with sitting still. I get very restless, especially when I'm alone. I didn't want to constantly rely on my Xanax so I acquired a bag of these little gems. Now when I get restless I pop two candies and sink into comfort. The comfort of my couch, the comfort of being in my own skin.
****
Back to the other night...
The thing is the desire to fill that hole was gone.
My dark hole had shrunk back down to a pin prick.
Christmas Eve is always a big deal at Seth's parents house. We go to a family party at his grandmothers and then we head to their house. His mom does a big spread of finger foods and she always makes sure everyone has their drink of choice readily available. My drink of choice was cranberry juice.
It was actually amusing to watch people disappear under the pull of alcohol. My sister in law was absolutely trashed, so was my brother in law... and my husband. I sat there, sucking on my candies, sipping on my cranberry juice just taking it all in. This is the first Christmas Eve that I actually remember in a long time. Usually we head over there and hit the booze pretty hard. Not this year. This year I would be the one to wake up Christmas Day with a smile on my face and stories to tell of the night before. This year I wouldn't wake up with the "Oh my God what the hell happened last night?" hangover.
Now today comes and I have asked to meet with HR. He has finally gotten back to me and we have arranged to meet at Chili's. We met over lunch and I just let out all that I had been holding in and all my thoughts and concerns over the last 6 months. He listened and empathizes. We talked for over an hour. He was already aware of HALF the stuff that had been going on. Of course Earl had called him.... and left out the part where he was a complete asshole. But now I was able to fill my HR manager in on why this Christmas debacle occurred. I told him about Earl's complete lack of respect for anyone including a dead woman. I tell him about how I feel discriminated against for being a woman. I tell him everything. Once I started talking I couldn't stop.
Now I feel, empty.
Unsure.
Lost.
I thought I would feel better.
Happier.
Lighter.
But I just want to curl up inside the bottom of a bottle.
But I won't.
I will just sip on a cup of chai tea and enjoy the miserable cold snowy day outside.
I have three pot candies left...
I pop those and fade to grey.
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