Chapter 43 Double Standards...

It has been quite the week. I feel so up and down. So Strong and weak.

I am a self sabotaging ass. I think I really am just terrified when things are going good.

My life coach says I have abandonment issues. Yes, I started seeing a life coach.

I had bought a Groupon for this belly treatment to help get rid of some of my belly fat. It's called iLipo, a non-invasive light treatment. Just for my lil pooch I can't seem to lose. The Groupon required me to get a consultation first. I made the appointment and I sat down with this woman Sandi. She does life coaching, nutrition planning, and her center offers the iLipo, massage, facials, etc. It's a holistic healing center. She convinces me to sign up with her for three months to get my nutrition in line and life coaching to help with stress management. I am a sucker for any thing that says it will 'fix me.'

It's like going to a counselor. I have told her all my deep dark secrets, well most of them anyway. It helps to talk, but it also is unearthing some pretty powerful feelings. She thinks I may have PTSD as well but I'm not playing into that one. Anxiety, yes. Abandonment issues, yes. Self-Esteem issues, yes. PTSD, I'm not convinced. But she wants me to try this neuro something or other session. Basically hypnotism to help rewire my neuro-pathways to help me deal with  my anxiety and restlessness.
I'm up for anything so I say sure. The first session is scheduled for this Thursday. Can't hurt to try, right?

But like I said, it has been quite the week. I made it past 100 days of not drinking and now I have to start all over again.

Yep, I cracked. It was inevitable. It started with one lass of wine.

I was meeting up with my cousin Kelly to discuss job opportunities and I messed up the time. I texted her at 6:00p to verify that we were still on for our 6:00p date and she replies "yep at 7:00p right?"

Oh no, I was already sat at a table waiting on her. I told her I messed up the time and was already there and she said no worries he'd head right over and be there in 10 minutes. Thank goodness for flexible schedules!

So now I'm sitting alone, waiting on the rest of my party, yes I was that girl, and the waitress seemed to be a little impatient that I was holding up one of her tables so I ordered a side salad.
15 minutes went by and still no Kelly and the waitress kept popping in, you sure you don't want to order?
You sure you don't want a drink?
You sure, you sure, you sure!!
Jesus woman, I told you I'm waiting on someone!
After the 6th time she came over I said fine bring me a glass of Cabernet.
That seemed to get her away from me for a while. My cousin arrived about 20 minutes after I had been seated. We ended up talking more about life than about jobs and that one glass of wine had my face red and my ears hot. I am a lightweight!

After we had talked for about an hour and a half and had finished our meals we said our good-byes.
I went home and, in typical fashion, mixed myself a whiskey and coke... just one.
And then another... at this point I felt so guilty for drinking that I called my little sister Sarah and vented to her about my disappointment in myself.
I stopped at two drinks and I was just MAD.
I was so MAD at me for letting myself down.
Sarah spoke to me and reassured me that it's ok to slip up. She reassured me that I went 100 days and I shouldn't forget that, I should be proud of myself. That helped. So we hung up and I tucked in bed with a glass of water.

The next day I felt like shit. I hate hangovers.

Tuesday I met up with Sandi, my life coach, and I talked to her about how upset I was with myself. She told me I need to stop feeling so guilty. Stop beating myself up. It happened, get over it and move on. Decide if it's going to happen again or make sure it doesn't but either way stop with the guilt!
Did I mention I like her very much.


I've drank on three separate occasions since then.
One was just Seth and me sitting in the living room and I was feeling ansy. He get's up and makes himself a drink and I decide I'm having one as well. He tells me no.
That never works out well, I don't take too kindly to being told what to do. So now I'm adamant and get up and mix myself a vodka and tonic. That was really the extent of that.
Again I woke up with a headache and work really dragged that day...

Then this past Friday I had a comedy show to go to to help support my friend Alice. It was in the same building I've been working in so how could I say no? Seth agrees to go with me and he meets me at work and go to dinner right in the venue.
After dinner we head to the show. My cousin was there and so was my aunt. We say our hellos and then move to find seats. Seth and I found an empty table in the back of the room and sat there.

For the first half hour Seth sat there and complained about how he didn't want to be there, he could be home sitting on the couch, he could be having snacks and taking a shower... Finally I told him if he wants to go he can go, enough! He looks a little surprised that I snapped at him.

I say, "There are 80 year olds more active than us! Do I ask you to go out, ever??"

He says, "No, but you don't like going out either."

"Yes but when I have family to support I'm going to go out and here we are. How about this, PRETEND to have a good time!"

He says, "You actually want me to PRETEND to have fun? So you're telling me to lie?"

I exclaim, "YES! I do it ALL the time! I don't care if you don't want to be here, I don't care that you want to be at home, I DON'T want to hear it! Are we really that couple already that goes out and sits there miserable because we don't want to be here?? Fucking pretend!"

He replies,"Oh so you pretend to have fun when? And don't say at my sisters, you know you have fun there!"

I say,"You mean like tomorrow when you made plans for US to go to your sisters without even asking if I want to go? You would never know if I wasn't having fun because I am GREAT at pretending so I don't ruin your fucking night!"

I let this sink in for a second and his attitude changes and he starts to pretend to want to be there. Then he says, "I think I"m going to get a scotch, do you want anything?"

I say yes, "Get me a gin and tonic." He looks at  me funny so I ask, "Is there a problem?"

He says "No." and walks to the bar

Now we have two older women that have joined our table and I'm talking to them. They are very cute and very talkative. Great company to have.

Alice comes over for a visit and I am chatting with her about her upcoming trip to California, Seth is staying out of the conversation but he's more than welcomed to join in...

Then I get up to talk with my aunt briefly and I return back to the table.
As I sit down I see a friend of mine from about 8 years ago, Kaitlyn, sitting at the table next to me, she waves and I go over to give her a hug and say hello.
I bring her over to meet Seth but the show is starting so we can't really talk. We excuse ourselves and go a catch up in the bathroom for about 5 minutes.
I return back to the table and Seth asks me if I want another drink, I offer to buy him one and I get up and go get them.

We sit and watch the show for about 45 minutes. It's funny and very entertaining and were having a good time. I have to pee so I get up and run to the bathroom. On the way back I run into Alice and she offers to buy us two more drinks. She also introduces me to a couple of the people running the show and we have a quick conversation. All in all probably about 15 minutes I was gone. When I return to the table Seth is pissed.
 He is livid that I left him all by himself and was up talking to other people. I give him a funny like like "are you kidding me?" Now Kaitlyn come and sat next to me to see if we can plan meeting up so I talk with her and we exchange numbers.
The show is over and we all get up to leave.

Seth rushes out and is pissed. He says to me, "Next time you can go by yourself since you felt the need to leave me alone the whole time!"

I am so baffled by this response, he does this to me all the time at softball games and it was my family. I don't understand what the problem is. Then he proceeds to pout, "How many drinks did you have? I didn't realize we were going out partying. What was it five, six??!"

At this point I'm not going to argue with him I just say, "I'll see you at home, are you ok to drive?" And I get in my car before he can answer. Clearly he thinks me being up and about and talking to people must mean I was slamming back drinks the whole time but really I had two gin and tonics and a glass of water within the 2 hour span.

I call him on the way home and tell him I have to stop and get gas. He yells at me to get off the phone and concentrate on my driving. What the fuck is his problem!? Now I'm super pissed, he completely ruined my entire evening because I wasn't glued to his side being the doting wife. Who the hell did he think he married??

I stop at Cumby's and go inside and buy a pack of cigarettes and prepay my pump. My blood is burning through my veins.

Driving home I light up a cigarette and take two drags. That's all I wanted.  I throw the cigarette out the window along with the whole pack. Sometimes you just need a drag!

I get home and he's in bed already. Big surprise. I go into the bathroom and start washing my face, he yells at me through the door, "Are you coming to bed!"

Fuck no. "Nope, I'll be staying up."

"Fine, good night!"

I finish up in the bathroom and pop into the bedroom. I give him a kiss on his cheek and whisper, ""I love you, and for the record I had two drinks and the rest was water."

I stay out in the living room and make myself a vodka and tonic. I call my cousin Kelly and vent to her. It's about 12:30am when i get off the phone with her. I tuck in bed and Seth apologizes for being an ass.
Better late than never right? We kiss and make up.

About a half hour later his phone starts ringing. We are both super confused, and in the middle of something, so he doesn't answer. Shortly afterwards there's a bang at the door. He jumps up and goes to answer the door.
It's Melissa. Her car had broke down about 4 houses from us and no one was answering their phone. Not Seth, not me, not Pamela, not Carissa. She had been sitting outside our house for 10 minutes periodically banging on the door.

We felt AWFUL.

We take her down to her car and Seth drives it back home. She's in tears and so upset about the whole situation.
I talk with her and calm her down but now she's upset that she has to work in the morning and has no car to get there.
I'm scheduled off so I give her my keys and tell her to take my car.  We would bring her home but both of us had been drinking. Plus I have nothing to do but laundry and clean the house the following day. So she takes my car and heads home.

***********

The next morning Pamela texts me.

-Thank you for helping Missy last night!

It was 8am and I was still sleeping, I didn't see it until later.

Following that was another text

-I signed up for planet fitness and I can take an extra person with me, if you want to go and our schedules match up you're more than welcome to come with me!

I had invited her to do Mudderella with me and Carissa and she said yes. Well more like I convinced her after she told Carissa Hell NO so we have kind of bonded over the last couple of days.

I respond around 10a.

-Not a problem, what do you want to do about the car? I'll take it for a test drive to see if it's driveable.

I drive it around the block and it's fine. The blinkers and vents don't work but otherwise it's driveable. We decide that she will meet me at my house and I will drive the car to her house while she follows me.
About 10 minutes later she's there. We talk about what had happened the night before, we all feel awful that we didn't answer our phones!

I start driving and Pamela follows. Everything is fine, the car is kind of loud but it's old and has 130k miles on it. I make it the ten minutes to Pamela's house and as I'm making the left hand turn into the driveway the car DIES. Bye bye power steering So I muscle the car left and park it. Then the smoke comes... Plumes and plumes of white smoke. I pop the hood and make sure there's no fire. It looks like there was but it had gone put. Crisis averted. But now the car is dead...

Pamela gives me a ride home. You would think that it would have been awkward but it's not. I guess I really do have the gift of gab. She tells me she thinks I'm a hot shit and hilarious and she would rather hang out with me than Seth.

Guess we really have turned a corner.

I get home and it's a little past noon. I start the laundry and clean the house. Then Missy calls me and she's out of work. She comes over and hangs out for about a half hour. It's about 4:30p now and I need to get dinner started and finish cleaning, Seth and I have an appointment to view a house in town at 6:30.
I offer to give Missy a ride home or ask if she wants to stay for dinner. She says she'd like to go home if I don't mind bringing her. I drop her off and get home at 5p.

For dinner I make baked stuffed chicken and have it out and ready to eat by 6:15p. Seth get's home around 5:45p and we shower and eat and are getting ready to head out.
 I walk into the kitchen looking for my mascara in my purse and pull a receipt out of my bag I don't think anything of it so I leave it on the counter without looking for it.

I continue to get ready and I hear Seth say, "Hmph..."

I pop my head out of the bathroom and ask, "Did you say something?"

He says, "I said, hmph that's interesting. The receipt from Cumby's from last night. Marlboro's and a Bic lighter?"

OH SHIT.

I say "I know, I'm sorry. I took two drags and through the whole pack out the window."

That's all he says and we don't speak much until we're in the car.

We are on our way to go see a house we could potentially be setting up the rest of our lives in and then we're going to is sisters house.

He says, "I just decided... I decided I'm going to find something you absolutely despise, something that completely disgusts you and do it just to spite you."

Ok, here we go... "Are you kidding me right now? Sure you do that, 6 months into our marriage you're already trying to spite me. Wow, we are really going to make it far."

He says, "You smoke just to spite me!"

"Me smoking has absolutely nothing to do with you!! "

"Oh, that's nice that's real nice."

"Seth, I am not perfect, I have my vices. I work on them but I am no where near close to perfect."

"So now it's a vice, so you do this all the time!?"

"Are you serious? Maybe you should understand what a word means before you try to use it against me!"

"So you leave me all by myself all night last night and make me feel like shit, I would never do that to you!"

I fucking lose it... "Are you serious! This is the story of my life with you!! Every single fucking softball game I have ever been to with you you have done this to me! Every single basketball game, every time I have been anywhere with you you sit there and talk to every single person and I just sit there feeling out of place, feeling like I shouldn't be there, hating every second I am there!"

"I never leave you alone!"

"Are you kidding me??? You go to the bathroom it takes you 30 minutes to come back because you ran into so and so and had to catch up and then the worst part of it is you always say how much you can't stand these people yet there you are talking like they're you're best friend reminiscing about times before me and there I am sitting there not even able to jump into the conversation because it's always about when you were with Pamela! And let's not forget the 2 years I wasn't legally ALLOWED to be around the kids because of the divorce decree or how about the other day when we were at the basketball game and I was standing there, all alone, waiting for you while you were in full bromance with Pamela's brother??? But you're right YOU  NEVER MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I DON'T BELONG!!!! "

"That's so not the same thing..."

"Let's get one thing straight, if you don't get a hold of this fucking double standard that you seem to have... you can drink but I can't, you can talk to everyone like you're the mayor while I just sit there but I can't, you're allowed to make plans for us but I can't, you decide when we go home but I can't. Fuck you! Get this straight or 6 months is the longest this marriage will EVER be."

And now I am in tears and pulling into the driveway to meet the realtor. I wipe my eyes and fix my mascara. I look at him and say, "You think I never pretend. Just watch."

I get up out of the car with a smile and see the realtor, "Jim! So good to see you thank you so much for meeting us! We're excited to finally start looking at houses!"

Then I walk past Seth without even glancing at him to meet the realtor selling the house, "Hi, I'm Eliza this is my amazing husband Seth..."

Afterwards we get in the car and Seth says "We should kiss. I never realized how I made you feel. I'm sorry. But please work on your vices. Work on your problems."

" I do work on my problems. I work very hard on them. It's scary that you cat see that..."


And now we start. All over again. Back to day one. You can only call the first time a slip up, the second time, is a mistake, and the third is back to your evil ways.