It's been 99 days since I last had a drink.
My great Aunt Betty passed away on the 10th.
I hadn't seen her in ages. She was 90 years old
.
This got me thinking about the past. About my grandmother, her sister.
It brought back some fond memories but also some not so fond memories.
I thought of when she passed away, how I was feeling then.
The people I had in my life then.
The people that are in my life now.
I have come a far way.
Death always gets me feeling a bit lonely.
I'm sure death doesn't make anyone warm and fuzzy on the inside but it really scares me.
When I think about growing old, with my husband... I always think...who's going to be there?
Sure I have my brother and sisters. I have my parents, now.
Seth always says, "the girls will be there for you."
But I'm afraid that they won't.
Seth always jokes that he'll be the first to go and I'll find someone else.
I don't think it's funny. Statistically he will be the first to go.
The future I have chosen is a very lonely one. It's like I'm destined to be alone.
I have done a fine job of pushing everyone away.
I don't have very many close friends, asides from Alice.
Clearly I don't do very well on my own.
The thought is terrifying.
I can't stop my mind from creating these stories when we are out and I see an elderly person all alone. My heart aches for them. I don't even know if they really are sad or alone, it just happens.
I picture myself as them, going through the motions at the supermarket or at a restaurant.
All alone.
I don't like cats so I can't be a cat lady.
Dogs, I'm sure I'll have several of those.
The girls, will they come visit me? After their father is gone?
Will I be grandma to their children? After their father is gone?
What will I be?
It's hard to say, especially when I don't even know what I am now.
No comments:
Post a Comment